Songwriter Forum > Feedback on Works in Progress

Flesh and Flowers (démo)

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Inanité_sonore:
Hello everyone and happy new year !

I would have a feedback on this rock track. I wanted to do something simple : guitar, voice, drums. I'm open to criticism, even negative obviously. Don't censor yourself, because I want to progress.

Tell me what you think, even about my accent (is it not too "rotten" ?) or my words, because English is not my native language...

https://soundcloud.com/user-24297189/flesh-and-flowers

Thanks in advance for your time !

IS

Lyrics:

I just want to taste this concrete
If you don’t want to taste, just go away
Tell me, are you angry or love sick ?
I can’t make this problem go away

Hey, Red, look at the fire of the sky
It shines as the smile you hide
Something goes and makes your feeling petrified
With the sweet heat of the sun you’ll get by
…

The skipper’s skull is (very) broken down
All is drifting, all is letdown
Your school’s skip rope is really fare away now
All is floating, start the countdown

All the sailors took the care of be quiet
The frozen words are lost in the waves
Devoured soon by the sun of Red’s riot
‘Cause, her hidden eyes are not slaves

I got It, I got it ! This creeping message !
I keep it, I keep it, I’m not lost in the rage
I got It, I got it ! Your crying message !
I keep it, I keep it, I’m staying on stage!

She just wants to taste this concrete
If you don’t want to taste, just go away
Tell her, are you angry or love sick ?
She can’t make this problem go away

Flesh and flowers made you f...ing die awfully
Just thinking and don’t see
Flesh and flowers dressed your stupid life wrongly
Your anger flows by the sea

I got It, I got it ! This creeping message !
I keep it, I keep it, I’m not lost in the rage …

CaliaMoko:
Hi, I'd like to give you some feedback--you've been doing such a good job of getting involved in the forum and leaving feedback for others!

Overall, I like the sound of the song. I don't know enough about production and mixing to comment intelligently on it, but, personally, I like what you've done with the setting. If I had done it, I would be feeling really proud of myself.

I don't understand the message or story of the lyric, so I can't comment on it too much. There's a few spots where the rhythm of the words doesn't match their natural rhythm. What I mean is, for example, normally the word "message" is pronounced MESS-age, and in the song, in order to match the rhythm of your music, you are pronouncing it mess-AGE.

That being said, I don't know if you should worry about it a lot. I've heard professional singers on television do the same kind of thing. I don't LIKE it when they do, and I think the songwriter could have done a better job. If I wrote it, I would work at fixing it, but that's me. What you do, of course, is up to you.

Other than that, I can't think of anything else to mention. I might have more to say about the lyric but, as I mentioned, I don't know what the message or story of it is. It isn't necessarily the fault of the lyric. I seem to be especially dense about anything other than the obvious, so wait and see what some others say about that.

Nice job!

Vicki

pompeyjazz:
Hi Inanité,

I think you've got a real good vibe going on here and I like the mixture of instruments that you've got going on

The rhythm is really quirky which I thing works really well. You're vocals are also very unique in a good way.

There are a few minor timing issues I think and I don't know if the kick (batterie) was too loud but overall an excellent piece of work

mikek:
Great imagery in the lyrics. I dig it. I also really like your vocal approach/style. If you are going for 70s/80s punk congratulations, you did it with that vocal styling.

I'm not a big fan of the production. Too heavy of a guitar and drum sound IMO that doesn't jive with the vocal. I would really like to hear a stripped down version first, starting with a clean but brash electric guitar (think Tom Verlaine), or maybe even an aggressively abused acoustic (think King Buzzo)

Inanité_sonore:
@Vicki : Thanks so much, Viki, for your nice developed comment ! It is true that my words are often enigmatic. I'm glad you liked it even though writing and pronunciation are not perfect. It reassures me. Thanks again !

@pompeyjazz Thank you for your comments and your attention I'm glad you liked the music and rhythm ! The kick is maybe too loud actually.

@mikek : Thank you for your attentive listening and your very specific comment ! I am happy that my vocal style and the images in the lyrics are pleasing to you. You heard very well : I love punk/rock of the year 70/80. I must certainly put more coherence between the voice and the rest, it is true. You have very good references : Tom Verlaine and King Buzzo are very good artists that I also appreciate 😉

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