Flesh and Flowers (démo)

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Inanité_sonore

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« on: January 03, 2019, 02:08:33 PM »
Hello everyone and happy new year !

I would have a feedback on this rock track. I wanted to do something simple : guitar, voice, drums. I'm open to criticism, even negative obviously. Don't censor yourself, because I want to progress.

Tell me what you think, even about my accent (is it not too "rotten" ?) or my words, because English is not my native language...

https://soundcloud.com/user-24297189/flesh-and-flowers

Thanks in advance for your time !

IS

Lyrics:

I just want to taste this concrete
If you don’t want to taste, just go away
Tell me, are you angry or love sick ?
I can’t make this problem go away

Hey, Red, look at the fire of the sky
It shines as the smile you hide
Something goes and makes your feeling petrified
With the sweet heat of the sun you’ll get by


The skipper’s skull is (very) broken down
All is drifting, all is letdown
Your school’s skip rope is really fare away now
All is floating, start the countdown

All the sailors took the care of be quiet
The frozen words are lost in the waves
Devoured soon by the sun of Red’s riot
‘Cause, her hidden eyes are not slaves

I got It, I got it ! This creeping message !
I keep it, I keep it, I’m not lost in the rage
I got It, I got it ! Your crying message !
I keep it, I keep it, I’m staying on stage!

She just wants to taste this concrete
If you don’t want to taste, just go away
Tell her, are you angry or love sick ?
She can’t make this problem go away

Flesh and flowers made you f...ing die awfully
Just thinking and don’t see
Flesh and flowers dressed your stupid life wrongly
Your anger flows by the sea

I got It, I got it ! This creeping message !
I keep it, I keep it, I’m not lost in the rage …

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2019, 02:55:04 PM »
Hi, I'd like to give you some feedback--you've been doing such a good job of getting involved in the forum and leaving feedback for others!

Overall, I like the sound of the song. I don't know enough about production and mixing to comment intelligently on it, but, personally, I like what you've done with the setting. If I had done it, I would be feeling really proud of myself.

I don't understand the message or story of the lyric, so I can't comment on it too much. There's a few spots where the rhythm of the words doesn't match their natural rhythm. What I mean is, for example, normally the word "message" is pronounced MESS-age, and in the song, in order to match the rhythm of your music, you are pronouncing it mess-AGE.

That being said, I don't know if you should worry about it a lot. I've heard professional singers on television do the same kind of thing. I don't LIKE it when they do, and I think the songwriter could have done a better job. If I wrote it, I would work at fixing it, but that's me. What you do, of course, is up to you.

Other than that, I can't think of anything else to mention. I might have more to say about the lyric but, as I mentioned, I don't know what the message or story of it is. It isn't necessarily the fault of the lyric. I seem to be especially dense about anything other than the obvious, so wait and see what some others say about that.

Nice job!

Vicki

pompeyjazz

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« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2019, 06:11:32 PM »
Hi Inanité,

I think you've got a real good vibe going on here and I like the mixture of instruments that you've got going on

The rhythm is really quirky which I thing works really well. You're vocals are also very unique in a good way.

There are a few minor timing issues I think and I don't know if the kick (batterie) was too loud but overall an excellent piece of work

mikek

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« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2019, 04:14:01 PM »
Great imagery in the lyrics. I dig it. I also really like your vocal approach/style. If you are going for 70s/80s punk congratulations, you did it with that vocal styling.

I'm not a big fan of the production. Too heavy of a guitar and drum sound IMO that doesn't jive with the vocal. I would really like to hear a stripped down version first, starting with a clean but brash electric guitar (think Tom Verlaine), or maybe even an aggressively abused acoustic (think King Buzzo)

Inanité_sonore

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« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2019, 07:20:14 PM »
@Vicki : Thanks so much, Viki, for your nice developed comment ! It is true that my words are often enigmatic. I'm glad you liked it even though writing and pronunciation are not perfect. It reassures me. Thanks again !

@pompeyjazz Thank you for your comments and your attention I'm glad you liked the music and rhythm ! The kick is maybe too loud actually.

@mikek : Thank you for your attentive listening and your very specific comment ! I am happy that my vocal style and the images in the lyrics are pleasing to you. You heard very well : I love punk/rock of the year 70/80. I must certainly put more coherence between the voice and the rest, it is true. You have very good references : Tom Verlaine and King Buzzo are very good artists that I also appreciate 😉

Tinitus95

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« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2019, 12:27:56 PM »
I like the guitars a lot great tone :) And your singing is hilarious  at 1:50 in the best way. Keepit up.

Inanité_sonore

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« Reply #6 on: January 07, 2019, 10:45:13 AM »
@Tinitus95 : Thank you for your comment and your attention!

RealKevM

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« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2019, 11:32:18 PM »
Bit of hiss going on in your recording it's really noticeable at the beginning. Decent guitars love a bit of loud rock n roll. Yeah you can tell that English isn't your first language but keep on mate you're clearly having fun and it's a decent song all round.

alcapone_dudu

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« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2019, 03:27:55 PM »
Hey Inanité, powerful song man. Thanks for sharing. I'm still trying to figure out what to think of it but you got my attention. And that's good.

This remind me of some Clash's song. I'm very into punk from the 70's. Anyway, good job!

Inanité_sonore

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« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2019, 06:36:46 PM »
@RealKevM  :

Hi RealKevM,
Thank you for taking time to listen carefully and thank you for your advice. I'll take note of that. You're right, the important thing is also to have fun, I agree !


@alcapone_dudu
 
Hey alcapone_dudu,
Thank you very much for your comment! I'm glad you enjoyed it, especially if you like the Clash, because it is a group that I adore. This comparison is a compliment that pleases me very much !
« Last Edit: January 13, 2019, 01:28:18 PM by Inanité_sonore »

Martinswede

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« Reply #10 on: January 20, 2019, 08:33:35 AM »
Hi Inanité!

I think it's a good song. Don't get so hooked up on pronunciation and broken English, I find no faults there.
I think the vocal style varies a bit too much over the song. The verses sound very decadent and lack a bit of the energy that's found in the other parts. Maybe add a little more anger over all.

Anyway, a good song! Keep writing, recording and posting. I look forward to it.

Martin
I love the smell of Donald Sutherland in the morning

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #11 on: January 21, 2019, 02:26:20 AM »
If anything, I felt the accent was a positive for the  performance.  A little touch of "exotic" doesn't hurt - particularly for a driving metal kind of song. 


www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

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Inanité_sonore

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« Reply #12 on: January 21, 2019, 07:13:10 PM »
Hi Martin !

Thank you very much for listening and for giving your opinion! I'm glad you think it's a good song. I should put more unity  or cohesion (I don’t know the exact word…) in my singing, I think you're right, that's a very good advice. I'll try to work on that.

Thanks again !

IS

Inanité_sonore

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« Reply #13 on: January 21, 2019, 07:19:29 PM »
@ hardtwistmusic : Thank you for your opinion! If the accent adds something special to the ears of an native Engligh speaker, that's great for me 😉

cowparsleyman

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« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2019, 04:57:39 PM »
Whato Inanite - Interesting indeed, I really dig your voice, I like the rhythm of your words, I think the bass Gtr would have been worthwhile in more of the song.

I like the intro.

The alignment of the opening lyrics was a bit a rye.

I love the tremolo voice, a different kind of hook.

The Gtr arrangement didn't do it for me, it was a bit disjointed...my ears should be not majoring on that.

A good effort indeed.

Your non English is no issue at all, in fact you can get quite a bit of cool from it.

The moving of the Toms from L to R was a bit un nerving, better to have each tom located in it's own place in the Stereo stage.

As a song I really like it, could be another 10 bpm faster, the whole thing sounded a tad 'muddy'

But very nice.

Hope this helps

Rich