Just in case

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AnnaLina

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« on: December 10, 2018, 11:14:45 AM »
I just started writing this song, trying to be very honest. Let me know what you think. I haven't put them to music yet, so you're very welcome to make suggestions!

It was not okay
to occupy your love
That I didn't say
when it wasn't enough

I was partly gone
but I was trying to hold on
My mind was just so dark
couldn't tell my feelings apart

So I carried on
Couldn't stand the thought of moving on
But it wasn't fair
that I kept you there
just in case

I'm so sorry
for my selfishness
for my jealousy
I should have set you free

And I'm so sorry
for my loneliness
It occupied your love
We deserve more than us

I needed to heal
and you gave me something real
I thought I gave it back
I wanted to so bad

You were talking future
I didn't paint a picture
Tried to love with my heart open
but it was just broken

Now all this stolen time
is eating me alive
cause it wasn't fair
that I kept you there
just in case

I'm so sorry
for my selfishness
for my jealousy
I should have set you free

And I'm so sorry
for my loneliness
It occupied your love
We deserve more than us


Davino

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« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2018, 11:12:43 PM »
A little bit sadder than it could be.

Furry61

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« Reply #2 on: December 19, 2018, 04:17:07 PM »
Not bad :-)

Martinswede

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« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2018, 07:39:55 PM »
Hi AnnaLina!

I like your lyric. The way the 'just in case' finds it's way into what might be a pre-chorus. My advice is to work more with how the lines follow each other. Some rhymes tend to dominate lyrics which overshadows the rest of the words. I say, let the music be the continuous part and let the words flow more freely. This is not meant as criticism, you have a good theme for your lyric.

Ps.When I read just a lyric I often make up a song/melody in my head to go along with it. I've made some sketches that I'd gladly share if you'd like some input on chords/melody. Ds.

Best regards,
Martin
I love the smell of Donald Sutherland in the morning

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2019, 12:14:22 AM »
Hi AnnaLina!

I like your lyric. The way the 'just in case' finds it's way into what might be a pre-chorus. My advice is to work more with how the lines follow each other. Some rhymes tend to dominate lyrics which overshadows the rest of the words. I say, let the music be the continuous part and let the words flow more freely. This is not meant as criticism, you have a good theme for your lyric.

Ps.When I read just a lyric I often make up a song/melody in my head to go along with it. I've made some sketches that I'd gladly share if you'd like some input on chords/melody. Ds.

Best regards,
Martin

What he said.  I had the same "feeling" about this lyric.  Needs some repetition.  And "just in case" is a great line which makes a great title.  It needs to be featured more.  I liked the level of "completeness" of your story.   It's easy to provide too much or too little "story" to explain the lyric.  I think you nailed it on this one.  Not too much, and not too little.  You tell a reasonably complete story, but leave us (listeners/readers) a few holes to fill in ourselves. 

It sang well, but not easily.  That's actually a good thing.  Lyrics that are "easy to sing" have a tendency to elicit somewhat generic music.  This lyric demands creativity in finding a viable melody. 

Overall, I really liked this.  With the right music, it will make an excellent song i.m.o.
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

AnnaLina

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« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2019, 06:29:40 PM »
Hey guys
Thanks for the comments, all very constructive! I agree overall, and would also like the "just in case" line to shine through more. At the moment I'm not locked on a certain melody, so @Martinswede I would love to hear your thoughts on melody, chords etc, if you're up for it. Thanks again!

Best wishes
Anna

Sing4me88

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« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2019, 09:03:09 PM »
Can't really add much other than what has already been said. It's a good lyric that flows really easily which should allow for a great melody to match it. In particular there's lots of room to play about with the 'sorry' in the chorus - that could be the 'hook' I guess.

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #7 on: January 10, 2019, 01:35:03 PM »
Let me know if you are looking for a vocal melody.  I have some ideas.  Not necessarily good ones, but possibly places to start.
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.