Please critique: "My High Flying Bird"

  • 2 Replies
  • 238 Views

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Davino

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 86
  • I write poetry and song lyrics
« on: December 07, 2018, 11:31:31 PM »
I think there are several good themes that could be made into their own song when expanded, or somebody has to wield the editing scissors... Thanks for reading!

 "My hiGh fLying bIrd"
 
I saw a cute little sparrow looking confused and unsure,
I don't think she could "take any more"
rejection and pain, the hearts broken, a-gain
and no hope was knockin' on her door
 
her sweet soul was damaged
and broken, and bent
her spirit was shattered and her patience was spent
The shadows were creeping
deeper inside
and she tried and she tried and she tried to not hide
from the hope that "something" would happen
and that a bell would ring
and the little bird would be able to sing
 
but the false hearted bullies and the souless and cruel
popped the bubble, on her wading pool
and she cried, and she cried and she cried
like a lost baby, she curled up and quivered in the night
 the night that lasted all day and all week and all month
I bet she forgot what she thought "love" even meant
We haven't discussed it
It's my instinctual hunch
She was perched on the edge of the greatest divide
one of true love and happiness, the hopeful refrain
would it ever come again? did it even exist?
was it for real or only a myth?
why me? I've been so good and so strong
why me? I put my heart out and it got trampled upon
and torrents of pain and helplessness and building rage
beat the little bird down
and she never felt "right"
for Cupid was never calling her name
boo hoo, aw shucks
oh me
and
oh my
The cold, dark night, and the fallen wistfulness of purpose and optimism were unviewable through the distortion and disingenuous bastards that tainted her pure prism
It was a jumbled basket entwined and ensnared
in solitude and longing, never basking and cherishing
the mornings fresh light.
"In love" and "in pain"
They all sound the same
When you try and you try and you never get rewarded
for your sweetness and grace
the soul and the essence wither, such a disgrace
that people overlook or neglect such a sweet avian beauty
Now, all of the pictures you had in your mind
Like the one's on your walls
they are now aligned
That bird was you, my baby
To say you've been wounded and neglected and hurt
Is an understatement on par with the Hindenburg and Titanic being classified as ill advised flights
"that could have been better"
if captained by someone with a steady hand and a hopeful heart
a "something", unquantifiable, a prince or a knight
someone debonair and inspired and born for flight
a captain with a keen appreciation for cajoling the rudder
to respond in time and on time and to foremost always have a fun time
and, a loving time
And, though I never anticipated your hidden radiance to blossom as fast as it has,
improving every moment and seizing the "come what may attitude", of the fresh and hopeful and unrestrained
I also feared I would never love a-gain...
Thankfully, I never averted my gaze from the sky, in fear of another time of gloom, oh me,
oh why?
Why did I trust that someone was "out there, waiting for me"?
I never gave up, though ramrods of agony roiled time and again and again and, again.
A long train of false friends and shattered hopes
A lot of time treading water and consorting with those with no hope
The greatest virtue in life, I've found, not perchance:
The joy of love, by the seat of your pants
Plenty of time remains, time to align with the stars and the sky
the optimal response, to a shadow of the past, is a smile, a laugh, and another shattered photograph.
one less reminder of the waste that has passed
A drink thrown in angry frustration in rebuke of the futility of the past
are wasted fluids that could quench in the now
A remnant of anger, for the past is advisable, but just a tad
hug me and hold me and love me and trust
forget about the sorrows and the hurt and frustration's gone bye
cast away the memories of the long, lonely nites
and the futile foundry of "love" that had nary a flame
only a conspicuous dearth of warmth and repeated pain
There is hope in your eyes now and the love in your heart is awakened and alive
and tangible and real
bless the heavens, we seized the opportunity to unite 
my little loving sunshine, I am writing a song for you!
 
A tremble of temptation, the time for flight is here
 
My hiGh fLying bIrd
My hiGh fLying bIrd
My hiGh fLying bIrd
My hiGh fLying bIrd
My hiGh fLying bIrd
 
A little kiss of tenderness
a little nip of love!
The toxic, deviant sons of bitches and bitches of bastards and such
could never usurp the love that we share
you know that there is no one more meant for you than me
"out there"
no jaded ear could ever hear what we see
 
My hiGh fLying bIrd
My hiGh fLying bIrd
My hiGh fLying bIrd
My hiGh fLying bIrd
My hiGh fLying bIrd
 
A tremble of anticipation
for the time for flight is here
 
My hiGh fLying bIrd
My hiGh fLying bIrd
My hiGh fLying bIrd
My hiGh fLying bIrd
My hiGh fLying bIrd
 
The petals of the flower moisten with the dew of rebirth as the morning sun arises to light the way
A certain lisp of clarity in the mumbles of the jumbled
The time to reignite & be free
The time to unite & be we
The time to reignite & be free
The time to unite & be we
The time to reignite & be free 
The time to unite & be we
 
My hiGh fLying bIrd
My hiGh fLying bIrd
My hiGh fLying bIrd
My hiGh fLying bIrd
My hiGh fLying bIrd
The time to unite & be we
I am ready to soar to the skies with you
happily in tandemnous flight
the questions of the past were answered with a smile
just hug me, hold back the chill of the now distant night
A tremble of anticipation quivers through our very souls
Together forever, My hiGh fLying bIrd
United and strong, My hiGh fLying bIrd
My hiGh fLying bIrd The time to unite & be we
My hiGh fLying bIrd The time to unite & be we
My hiGh fLying bIrd The time to unite & be we
My hiGh fLying bIrd The time to unite & be we
My hiGh fLying bIrd The time to unite & be we
My hiGh fLying bIrd The time to unite & be we
is happening as we speak
grasp the rudder and let us steer this vessel of love together
My hiGh fLying bIrd.....
 
by Dave Venturella on Friday, 21 January 2011 at 11:12
Copyright 2016 David Venturella
« Last Edit: December 07, 2018, 11:40:37 PM by Davino »

hardtwistmusic

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 2906
  • Central Oregon Sunset
« Reply #1 on: December 11, 2018, 09:09:02 PM »
RESPONSE: 

 "My hiGh fLying bIrd"
 
I saw a cute little sparrow looking confused and unsure,
I don't think she could "take any more"
rejection and pain, the hearts broken, a-gain
and no hope was knockin' on her door
 
her sweet soul was damaged
and broken, and bent
her spirit was shattered and her patience was spent
The shadows were creeping
deeper inside

So far, so good.  This does an excellent job of "setting the stage" and providing a glimpse (from the writer/singer/protagonist's perspective of the sparrow personality. 

BUT.... something has to happen, or this excellent job of setting the stage is wasted.  You can't write a whole song by just keeping on "setting the stage," and describing the perspective already laid out here. 

Several things about "what can happen", "what should happen" and how it can happen. 

1.  Right now, there is a lot of name calling and blaming in the rest of your lyric.  No matter how well it is done, that isn't interesting.  We learn about "disingenuous bastards that tainted her pure prism," but they are never fleshed out (and probably shouldn't be.) 

We learn about "The toxic, deviant sons of bitches and bitches of bastards and such".   Okay. . . we get it.  She's been hurt -- and (from one perspective only) it's evil people who hurt her.  We learn (over and over) from your lyrics that she's been a victim.  Victims aren't interesting.  They are a dime a dozen. 

Which brings us to "what could happen."   Well.  There are several possibilities. 

     1.  You (writer/singer/protagonist) can effectively help her become more than a victim.  You can "make her happy." That would create a conclusion and provide some closure.  Good songs raise a question or issue, THEN RESOLVE the issue.  Music is designed to "question, then resolve" with chords that provide resolution.  Lyrics have to do the same.
 
     2.  You (writer/singer/protagonist) can try, BUT FAIL to help her become more than a victim.  THEN. . . you can "talk about what you KNOW about" -- which is how that makes YOU feel to be frustrated in your attempts to help.  THAT would make an interesting song.  It shares a little of YOUR pain (which is the only pain you can truly KNOW,) and lets people see inside of you (writer/singer/protagonist --  w/s/p for short) 

     3.  You (w/s/p) can overcome the victimization and she still isn't happy.  Your feelings about THAT are an interesting song. 

     4.  She can choose to "become happy" with someone else.  How YOU feel about that is interesting AND relate-able. 

     5.  You (w/s/p) can provide her an "out" from the bullying and "victimhood" which she refuses to accept and embrace. 

The possibilities are endless actually.  But somehow, there has to be a "resolution" or there is no story, and no song. 

I hope that helps.  Feel free to ask me anything you are interested in hearing an answer to. 






www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

Davino

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 86
  • I write poetry and song lyrics
« Reply #2 on: December 18, 2018, 11:08:22 PM »
thanks so much for the advice! I'm gonna prune it way down...