[adamfarr]

Slowly getting back into forum life, hurrah.

This one is a little story of a former Mafia boss who never wanted his children to get into the business but needs to come out of retirement to deal with his son's messes.

It's has been years in the gestation as I just didn't know what to do with it. Then I discovered my latest favourite band, Jedi Mind Tricks led by earthy Italian American Vinnie Paz, and I found just the style - check out something like Retaliation:

Am thinking I will go full Wu Tang on this with heavy rap and samples galore... Any feedback on whether the story comes across appreciated!


No Business

V1
"No business at the dinner table"
The phrase I prayed I'd never have to say
Now I see you exchanging favors
Guess you thought my way was child’s play

V2
Now I see your business turning dirty
Blood on your shirt you’re burning furtively
Hurtling towards emergency surgery
Don't want to bury you before you're thirty

CH
Money for girls
Money for bars
Money for games
Money for fast cars

Money for guns
Money for bail
Money for drugs
Money for blackmail

Post-CH
I'm your family
I'll do anything for you
The love my family gave me
Is the love I give to you

V3
Felt so virile with my bride down the aisle
They said "may your first child be a masculine child!”
But after a while the smiles became projectiles
And my enemies became your hostiles

V4
So where's that Smith & Wesson I’ve been saving
To protect my kith & kin can't be a sin
And down inside my skin I'm maybe missing the adrenaline
Just when I thought I was out ... you pull me back in

CH
Etc.

(c) Adam Farr, 2018, all rights reserved

[Furry61]

A little too much taken from The Godfather to make it sound fresh and original but having said that it is nicely constructed and the progression of the lyric is quite good. Geoff M

[adamfarr]

Hey Furry61, a very fair point! Of course you'd want to make some reference to the "genre" so that listeners can easily understand what's happening, but too much would obviously be too much.


And the first Godfather was 1972! Even the Sopranos came out in 1999! Are young people even aware of them?


Thanks for reading, I'll probably tinker more. Let's see how it sounds recorded.

[PaulAds]

Great lyric, Adam...

Must have been quite tough getting all those lines rhyming but you managed it to great effect...I look forward to hearing what musical setting you come up with 

[philbee]

It's always good to see songs on themes less travelled.

As an apprentice lyricist, I would like to ask a question (and this is not in any way a criticism).

Perhaps I'm a bit of a structure junkie, but when I write and establish a verse rhyme scheme, I like to keep it constant throughout all the verses.

I see that you have different rhyme schemes in three of the four verses.
ABCB
ABCA
AABB
ABCB

I'm keen to hear your comment on the importance or unimportance of such an approach.

[PaulAds]

Interesting thought, Phil 

I've done the same thing a few times - twice in particular - and nobody seemed to notice...or were kind enough to forgive me... if it fits in and carries the story along and there's not a better alternative... It's fine, I reckon.

[adamfarr]

Thanks guys. Great topic.

This is rap, so my intention is that the end rhymes are only a minor part of the story.

Verse 1 is built around "ay" sounds, Verse 2 is "ur", Verse 3 is "ile", and Verse 4 is "in".

I'll often ignore the unstressed syllables and although there are some imperfect rhymes (table = favors etc.), these are still rhymes, and so for me the "rhyme scheme" is really AAAA, BBBB, CCCC, DDDD !

I do enjoy mosaic rhymes (e.g. "emergency surgery" - where the vowel sounds are identical and the consonants differ), and (where possible) was looking for at least one internal rhyme per line (shirt + burning + furtively) and sometimes between lines (Smith + kith)...

I'm not an expert or natural rapper - but am a huge admirer of the way that hiphop uses sounds and language. The delivery makes a difference too (and perhaps that's the test - will it actually sound good or not?)

Some of the above techniques work well in other genres too. Sometimes perfect end rhymes can sound very "happy" and "nice" which sets a particular mood ... or to give a more off-balance feel, near rhymes and rhymes in less expected places can also be a tool to use. Alex Turner brilliantly weaves multiple rhyme types into Arctic Monkeys songs and I think borrows from hiphop techniques.

We are all apprentices, anyhow! I'm not saying this is great art, but at least you have an idea of what I was looking to do (with lesser or greater success).

[philbee]

Thanks for the comprehensive explanation. I didn't appreciate the rhythmic approach to a rap lyric so read it in a more traditional way.
It made me realise that the rhythms and rhymes in rap can compensate for the shortage of melody and harmony in the overall song structure.
Anyway - I understand what you've done now.