konalavadome

On The Ledge WIP

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mikek

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« on: November 22, 2018, 03:05:20 AM »
this is pretty new.. i wrote it about 2 weeks back.  this is just a demo so yeah there are performance issues/recording issues..etc... looking for overall composition feedback.. how does this flow for you?  arrangement  tweaking?  lyrically hows it hit you?  what do you think about the omission of the refrain after / in the middle of .. the extra long 3rd verse  ?  does that work ?

i have done another recording of this... just a single mic capturing the vocal and guitar live  (11.23.18 )

https://www.reverbnation.com/thebonanzalunchbox/song/30202715-on-the-ledge

I’d like to know that you’re still there, on the ledge with me
Someone with whom i can share, all this history
A ghost that never goes away
Haunting me from yesterday, remains

I’d like to know that you’re still there, on the ledge with me
Someone with whom i can share, all this history
I’d like to think the boats still sound, sailing on the sea
A harbor that i might escape, anchored memories
A ghost that never goes away
Haunting me from yesterday, remains

I’d like to know that you’re still there, on the ledge with me
Someone with whom i can share, all this misery
I’d like to think the boats still sound, sailing on the sea
A harbor that i might escape, all these meories (this misery?)
The ledge is getting narrow, i’m going blind
Falling doesn’t always hurt, matters what you find
Water seems so cold and dark calling out my name
Hold onto a lonely spark, everythings the same
~ ~ ~
I’d like to know that you’re still there, on the ledge with me
~ ~ ~
Hold my hand in case i leap, out into the sea
~ ~ ~
Water is so calm, calls out my name
~ ~ ~
Hold onto that lovely spark, maybe i’ll remain 
« Last Edit: November 24, 2018, 03:10:57 AM by mikek »

allhurtanimals

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« Reply #1 on: November 22, 2018, 09:57:27 AM »
Really like the feel of this one. My completely subjective idea would be to add either strong strumming, or conversely, an extremely quiet one string note, on this part:
A ghost that never goes away
Haunting me from yesterday, remains

Also the last word in this chorus ("remains"), I would make it a bar long to carry and resolve some melodic tension?

mahircankucuk

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« Reply #2 on: November 22, 2018, 12:32:18 PM »
It flows nicely, the spaces really elevate the song, but some of them (rarely) feels a little long.
I imagine an earthier tone with your vocals, with open mouth belly breathing but silent inhales, it would also cooperate with the guitar better in terms of tonal balance and general ease of listening.

Keep it up!

mikek

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« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2018, 03:54:10 AM »
I updated (again) the recording...just another take...mildly different arrangement...same link in the original post. Thanks

PaulAds

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« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2018, 11:41:09 AM »
Grabbed a listen to this and really enjoyed it, Mike.

The picked main part gives it a slightly disturbed feel which is intriguing. And you do very well to work some great variation into it too...which isn't always easy to do with just voice and guitar...

Cool story too...great job  :)

mahircankucuk

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« Reply #5 on: November 24, 2018, 01:25:54 PM »
I can definitely say I enjoyed this recording more.

Keep up the great work!

adamfarr

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« Reply #6 on: November 25, 2018, 07:42:57 PM »
There’s something really grabbing about this. It should be too long but your variations in the guitar and vocal presence keep it really interesting.


I love the concept of being “on the ledge with you”. But I’d have to say that for me personally maybe it didn’t totally match the water/sea images. Should it just be on the edge? Or something that connects more with the sea (pier / quay / jetty) etc.?


Not sure this was the feedback you were asking for (but felt important for this one listener at least... )

You know I’m only engaging with it because I liked it so much already...
« Last Edit: November 25, 2018, 07:45:12 PM by adamfarr »

mikek

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« Reply #7 on: November 25, 2018, 11:52:00 PM »
Adam, on the edge...yes that does also work...i will play around with that a bit.  thank you !

I've been mulling it over... I see what you are saying...if one goes literal and wants to tie things up neatly with the sea imagery...but I'm not writing a novel... the ledge is a jumping place....this works for me.

Thanks again, I really appreciate it
« Last Edit: November 26, 2018, 03:18:38 AM by mikek »

mikek

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« Reply #8 on: November 26, 2018, 03:25:12 AM »

adamfarr

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« Reply #9 on: November 26, 2018, 09:48:29 AM »
Nice! Yeah, I totally get it and I don't want to mess with your imagery too much - in my head I was immediately seeing a tall office building in a city, but that could just be me being over urban...