konalavadome

Wild One - Cardinal sin?

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Yodasdad

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« on: November 21, 2018, 10:22:01 AM »
Hi Lyrical experts!

So here's my problem...I've never been strong on lyrics but I do know that changing tense within a song is a no no. Thing is, my lyrics currently do!

Questions basically are: Does it need changing or can it work the way it is- if so which way do I go, present or past (and how???).

The lyrics are still rough so feel free to chip in on anything else.

Context - 1st verse basically explains where girl is from and what she's about - song progresses with boy getting with girl on the same night as she arrives and becomes present tense.

Any thoughts welcome. Yodasdad.

V1
She came out of a Thunderstorm
No one ever saw where the dark clouds came from
But it seems she was put here just for me

Wide eyes and a hot damn smile
And a look that says (said?) baby I can go all night
And she danced, she just danced in the street

C
All of the red lights turnin green
This girl is a wild one she’s a different league
She’s up on the redline it’s down to me
Can I compete with a wild one – Live it up with a wild one
(Lyrics may alter for subsequent choruses)


V2
Getting late but the nights still young
Cocked and loaded, yeah girl we’re gonna have some fun
Take my hand and we’ll dance till the mornin light
 
Fast feet and those hips that thrill
Like a fever rushin over me you’ll make me ill
But I’m fine, got some time I’m sure I’ll be alright

Mid 8

Tell me in the morning will you know my name
....Next line to be written....

I guess there’s nothing I can really do
But revel in the moment with a girl like you (that I’m spending with you?)
I’m just glad I spent some time with one of the wild ones
« Last Edit: November 21, 2018, 10:29:46 AM by Yodasdad »

Furry61

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« Reply #1 on: November 22, 2018, 12:44:33 PM »
Quite liked the first verse but then it drops into the type of lyric lots of people seem to write on here, you're hot I want you etc. etc. a little too predictable but that's just my opinion.

adamfarr

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« Reply #2 on: November 22, 2018, 02:13:31 PM »
Hey YD - no expert here but I don't mind the changes in tense. What I would do here is go with past consistently in the verses (storytelling mode) and then present tense in the parts where the protagonist is in his own head (thinking to himself mode):


So V1 is fine, except line 3 should be "seemed"
C - you can leave in present tense
V2 - rewrite in past - the night was still young etc.
M8 - can leave


If it's a modern danceable type of track then probably no-one will notice too much anyway! (If a folk ballad then maybe some more thought required!). Just some thoughts...

Yodasdad

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« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2018, 08:55:55 PM »
Thanks fury61 and Adam for the comments...I should have said this ages ago, sorry.

Anyway, the song is finished now. Adam, I found your observations and thoughts useful, and whilst I didn't use them exactly, they did help direct me in finishing the track.

Thanks

Yodasdad

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2019, 12:31:24 AM »
Sorry to not get back to this sooner.  I agree with Adam on each count.  I also did not find ANY of the "tense confusions" to be particularly meaningful or damaging.  I think it's easy to get hung up on Grammar in a lyric. 
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

cowparsleyman

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« Reply #5 on: January 06, 2019, 08:39:01 AM »
Whato @Yodasdad - i thought the lyrics were very good, in my minds eye it was a thumping pumping rhythm, i guess like The Wild One by Lou Reed (not sure about that). Cleverly written.

The important thing would be the melody, great lyrics are lost in boring/predictable melody lines.

Good luck with this.

Rich

Yodasdad

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« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2019, 07:10:08 PM »
Thanks for your comment @cowparsleyman.

It was interesting to read your expectations of the song as it was actually completed before I saw your post

Your description of what you're imaging does sound similar to how it ended up.

It's here if you want to hear it for yourself.

http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=16099.0

Thanks

Yodasdad