November 30th, still seeking feedback. Recordings will come! / Another Night Sky

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mahircankucuk

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« on: November 09, 2018, 04:46:17 PM »
January 2019 edit:

Song will be released on February 8th, so I'm deleting the content from here.
Thank you everyone who gave their feedback on my lyrics!
« Last Edit: January 17, 2019, 08:03:11 AM by mahircankucuk »

mahircankucuk

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« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2018, 11:37:27 PM »
I wish someone gave their feedback, I would really appreciate it.

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2018, 12:49:48 AM »
Because this is such a personal topic for you, I hesitate to give any critical feedback, but I'll give it a shot. Just take it all with a grain of salt and only take from this what is useful to you.

Warning: I am very particular and opinionated about how words are used and about what is musical or poetic or not. I'm sure many people will disagree with my opinions, so keep that in mind, as well.

By the way, I am having trouble understanding just what you are trying to say. I didn't totally understand your opening explanation, and sometimes the lyrics lost me. It's a little confusing because, part of the time it sounds like you are saying YOU want her to let you go and part of the time it sounds like SHE wanted a clean break. I tend to be a little dense, so I am probably just not quite getting it.

So, not being exactly clear what you're after with the verses, I'm just addressing the chorus here. I hope I am understanding it correctly. This is your chorus as you wrote it:

Your anger won’t be eternal   
Maybe you are already cooled down.   
Do you ever wonder         
If I would still feel like home to you?


Now, to me, this sounds like the singer is saying to his ex-girlfriend: "I know you won't be angry forever, and maybe you've already cooled off. Do you ever wonder what it would be like if we were still together?" If I got that wrong, my edits won't work for you. Anyway, this is what I did with your chorus:

I know you won't always be angry
And maybe you're already there
Do you ever wonder, like I do
If we would have made a good pair?


Just one idea and actually not the best, but it is pretty clear, I think, to understand.

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. If I had more time, I would study what you wrote at more length and maybe get more good ideas. I hope someone else will be able to be more helpful.

Vicki

mahircankucuk

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« Reply #3 on: November 13, 2018, 08:28:38 AM »
Thank you so much for your insightful feedback Vicki.

I made a tiny edit, please see if it helped making story clearer.
Regardless I'll wait for another reply to make radical changes.

Kind regards,
Mahir

alcapone_dudu

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« Reply #4 on: November 13, 2018, 12:53:47 PM »
Hello Mahir. Let me ask you something: Do you only write lyrics? I mean, it's quite hard, at least for me, to see a potential lyric by itself. A good song can ''save'' a lyric and vice versa.

Anyway, I liked your sytle and I'm looking foward to see how it will play out when it's ready.

mahircankucuk

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« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2018, 12:58:16 PM »
Hello! I am actually primarily a composer and arranger for some renowned artists in my home, but I want to write my own songs and release them on the side now, to express my feelings.
I completely agree, for example Charlie Puth's lyrics are not really significant in my opinion but his music elevates it very nicely.
But before I compose this song, I just want it to be clear and better than being in the need to be "saved".
I'd love to hear your opinion on that.
Kind regards,
Mahir

mikek

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« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2018, 04:41:09 PM »
Lyrics have potential. If there is music that accompanies this it would be nice to 👂 it all together

alcapone_dudu

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« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2018, 08:21:46 PM »
Hello! I am actually primarily a composer and arranger for some renowned artists in my home, but I want to write my own songs and release them on the side now, to express my feelings.
I completely agree, for example Charlie Puth's lyrics are not really significant in my opinion but his music elevates it very nicely.
But before I compose this song, I just want it to be clear and better than being in the need to be "saved".
I'd love to hear your opinion on that.
Kind regards,
Mahir

In my opinion you are good to go with the music. You'd still be able to make some changes here and there if you want.

Sing4me88

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« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2018, 09:08:44 PM »
Hello! I am actually primarily a composer and arranger for some renowned artists in my home, but I want to write my own songs and release them on the side now, to express my feelings.
I completely agree, for example Charlie Puth's lyrics are not really significant in my opinion but his music elevates it very nicely.
But before I compose this song, I just want it to be clear and better than being in the need to be "saved".
I'd love to hear your opinion on that.
Kind regards,
Mahir

Not so sure about that - IMHO Puth's 'Marvin Gaye' is a very clever lyric with a genius hook line of 'let's Marvin Gaye and get it on'...

mahircankucuk

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« Reply #9 on: November 13, 2018, 09:52:00 PM »
Hello! I am actually primarily a composer and arranger for some renowned artists in my home, but I want to write my own songs and release them on the side now, to express my feelings.
I completely agree, for example Charlie Puth's lyrics are not really significant in my opinion but his music elevates it very nicely.
But before I compose this song, I just want it to be clear and better than being in the need to be "saved".
I'd love to hear your opinion on that.
Kind regards,
Mahir

Not so sure about that - IMHO Puth's 'Marvin Gaye' is a very clever lyric with a genius hook line of 'let's Marvin Gaye and get it on'...
I agree, and I am a fan. But even some of his song doesn't fit in the category of artistically valuable, with his music he makes them work greatly.


Thank you alfa-one_dudu and mike... If you have specific lines in mind which you would recommend me to try to come up other ideas in specific things in mind, please express me :)

mikek

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« Reply #10 on: November 15, 2018, 04:13:11 AM »
There is actually a separate area for lyric specific feedback. I know you are new here so thought I'd mention it. This area is technically for music and lyric WIP.

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #11 on: November 17, 2018, 08:07:22 PM »

I would treasure specific, detailed, honest but constructive criticism. I love the lyrical styles of Billie Eilish and Jordan Rakei.


A little note about "constructive criticism" that took me a long time to learn, and which I pass on to others whenever I can. 

In any "criticism" there is a criticizer" (critic)  and a "criticizee" (criticized person).   

For criticism to be "constructive" means it has to be helpful. 

What this means is that if the criticism helps the "criticizee" then (regardless of the intent of the critic) the criticism is "constructive." 

It isn't the CRITIC who decides whether the criticism is "constructive."  That's outside his/her control.  It's the person who RECEIVES the criticism who decides whether to seek (and maybe find) something helpful in the criticism.  The person who RECIEVES the criticism can render the best intentioned and valid criticism completely "unconstructive" simply by dismissing it. 

The person who RECEIVES criticism can take the most ill intentioned (and even mean) criticism, find a kernel of truth in it and help him/herself as a songwriter/artist. 

My advice is this.  NEVER leave it to the critic to determine whether his/her criticism is valuable.  DIG HARD to FIND value in it.  It can be helpful even when it is hard hearted, blunt, or even intended to  hurt.  The person being criticized has near-complete control over whether criticism is "constructive."  Don't automatically reject ANYTHING.  That's my well intentioned advice.  It's up to you to make said advice constructive or not.
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #12 on: November 17, 2018, 08:16:07 PM »
A few (very few) criticisms/suggestions.  I did not feel that this was lacking anything as a lyric.  It sang easily and well without any real effort to "find" a vocal melody.  It would easily and quickly fit numerous vocal melodies.

[Verse 1]
I wish you had   
let go of me       
When I deserved     
to be given up.   

Back then I closed my eyes
To your suffering
Now I read your old  letters
To feel you breathing

[Chorus]
Your anger won’t be eternal   
Maybe you are already cooled down.   
Do you ever wonder         
If I would still feel like home to you?  No suggestion - just feedback -  this line is wonderful.

[Verse 2]
I miss your warmth
The shine in your smile
No one can replace
Your place in me      another wonderful line.

If we ever live   
In the same city       
With all that I can could give   
It will would feel so easy

[Pre-Chorus]
(Instrumental)

[Chorus]
Your anger won’t be eternal
Maybe you already cooled down.
Do you ever wonder
If I would still feel like home to you?

[Bridge]
(Instrumental)

[Chorus]
Your anger won’t be eternal
Maybe you already cooled down.
Do you ever wonder
If I would still feel like home to you?
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

mahircankucuk

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« Reply #13 on: November 18, 2018, 09:05:36 PM »
Dear hardtwistmusic,

I found peace in your reply. I appreciate this so much... Thank you...

Greetings to Oregon!

Mahir

mahircankucuk

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« Reply #14 on: November 22, 2018, 07:38:18 PM »
Hello everyone,
I made some radical changes, the name of the song changed too. I am hoping I am almost done, I hope it will touch your hearts, and I hope to start composing.
Looking forward to hearing your feedback!
Thank you in advance!

Happy thanksgiving!