konalavadome

Still Want You

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mikek

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« on: November 07, 2018, 07:37:55 PM »
It's another song of the broken ❤

Been done before and will be done again

This is the only one I've written though

This is not going to be the final take....just a practice run

I'm going to try and do a home brew album and this is one of the songs I have in mind

Looking for any and all feedback, keeping in mind, I'm aware of some performance issues with this take, and hope to improve on those

https://www.reverbnation.com/thebonanzalunchbox/song/30181234-still-want-you--demo--sketch

edit/added 11.22.18
different recording approach here... single microphone in the room capturing the vocal and guitar all at one go
https://soundcloud.com/bonanzalunchbox/still-want-you-mxl


try to make believe
there's still a you and me
but we both know
we already had to go ~ away
its such a tragedy
like ships that pass at sea
and slowly drift away
with nothing left to say ~ but this
I still want you
oh i do
i still want you
do you want me too

so i spend my time
sipping at my wine
in my easy chair
pretending i don't care to wait
so i wait some more
staring at the door
hoping you'll walk through
eyes clear and true, on me ~ alone
i still want you
oh i do
i still want you
do you want me too?

everybody cries
everybody dies
with our broken hearts
tearing us apart


« Last Edit: November 22, 2018, 04:46:15 PM by mikek »

cowparsleyman

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« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2018, 09:47:26 PM »
Whato @Mikek - Dig the beard...

I really like the lyrics.

First I was was caught a bit off guard with the opening American accent, then it kind of wore off making me concentrating on whether you'll be singing in American or Uk English (We both know), I know that you are from OK, but it's just a

Really like the 'but this' placement

The gaps between the 'I still want you', and 'Oh I do' maybe be a bit long. the 'Oh' sounded a bit forced, maybe don't push it as much, it's the same with the crescendo near the end, don't push it so much, it'll sound better, it's a very passionate song but you have to keep it together

Yeah, nice sad song

Do you think she will walk through that door Mike? and what is the guitar? btw I really like the forlorn loop...is that your own? sounds cool.

hope this helps Mike

cpm

mikek

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« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2018, 11:21:15 PM »
I agree with your criticism on the performance,  and thanks for calling it out. This is completely a practice run at things, and I will keep your comments in mind and add them to my own complaints....there is certainly room to improve.

The guitar is not too special, but I'm very fond of it's tone. It is a recording king ros16. It is short, only 12 frets, which gives to the wooden tone. I have it mic'd with a small condenser.

Yes forlorn loop is my creation. Happy accident that it segways so nicely after the song you critiqued. I was quite into looping, sort of spontaneous, one time song creation, for a while. That is one of the fruits of the journey.

Thank you very much for your time. It is appreciated, and your comments are invaluable.
« Last Edit: November 07, 2018, 11:59:08 PM by mikek »

Lane1777

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« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2018, 03:29:34 AM »
I have a little trouble with the verse in this,,

everybody cries
everybody dies
with our broken hearts
tearing us apart.            to me makes more sense   keeping us apart,  just little things like that. I enjoyed the listen.

mikek

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« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2018, 03:42:45 AM »
My broken heart is tearing me apart. Period.

Like internally...not from one another.

Make sense?
« Last Edit: November 10, 2018, 03:45:39 AM by mikek »

Lane1777

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« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2018, 03:47:35 AM »
yep!   :)

mahircankucuk

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« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2018, 08:34:03 AM »
Super clean recording.
I am a big fan of how the melody complimented and elevated the lyrics. I only desired the chorus words to same more with same amount of words and hit me.
Thank you for the music!

mikek

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« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2018, 04:34:18 PM »
Not sure I completely understand your comment about the chorus, but I believe you are suggesting it needs more words?

I will agree that if I were to make a blueprint of what a song construction should theoretically look like, a chorus construct may have more words, but that is kind of like writing in a vacuum.  Also, not all songs are written with the  intent of 3 minutes of radio airtime...if that were my aim, I might more readily align with a blueprint format.

Thank you for listening and responding.

mahircankucuk

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« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2018, 09:54:51 PM »
Actually I wanted to say not necessarily more words, but making statements with a specific twist, not necessarily super surprising.
I didn't mind the radio airtime, and I don't care about that, it's great music regardless.

mikek

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« Reply #9 on: November 13, 2018, 10:01:50 PM »
Ah, but I said exactly what I wanted to say

mahircankucuk

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« Reply #10 on: November 19, 2018, 01:59:33 PM »
I know what you are saying is truly sincere.

I am looking for a little drama in the chorus maybe.. It's just me :)

mikek

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« Reply #11 on: November 19, 2018, 02:56:32 PM »
And I thought the chorus was hemeraging drama. Go figure.

Jenna

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« Reply #12 on: November 20, 2018, 08:47:37 PM »
I'm absolutely in love with the pace you've set for this, that slowly unfolding the story in dribs and drabs, making us hang for every next morsel of emotion. I think you've dialed in the power of the emotions incredibly well in the climax with the strain in your voice and wicked guitar strums. Very nice.

Do you have a track list on Soundcloud? I'd love to add you to my growing list of favorite artists. I can't stop listening so that I can review the next poster's song here. LOL I keep getting hooked by the next track that comes up at ReverbNation,
« Last Edit: November 20, 2018, 08:53:19 PM by Jenna »

mikek

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« Reply #13 on: November 20, 2018, 09:06:27 PM »
Thanks for listening and for the encouragement, Jenna.
I do have a soundcloud....it is mostly my odd looping project though

https://soundcloud.com/bonanzalunchbox


mikek

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« Reply #14 on: November 22, 2018, 04:47:13 PM »
i went ahead today and made another run at the recording.. just a single condenser mic in the room capturing the guitar and vocal at once... so no flexibility in levels... quite a basic approach.