konalavadome

Help for my lyrics

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moraamarolaloba

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    • Mora Amaro La Loba
« on: October 11, 2018, 06:29:28 PM »
Some of you already know that my English is sometimes not correct, so I would appreciate someone telling me what is right and what is wrong with these lyrics.
It's a song I made over a year ago and it's on Youtube but now I would like to make sure it's okay and if it's not, I'll do it again. Thank you very much. Mora

When I become a monster

When I become a monster
I observe myself
from that distance that the foreign gives

When I become a monster
I observe myself
from that distance that the foreign gives

And I plunge in the sensations
of the obscure of myself
when I open the door
in my thought,
of the perverse,
of the abstract of the free will,
the free will, the free will...

When I become a monster
I observe my life
from the flames that Hell gives

When I become a monster
I observe my life
from the flames that Hell gives

And I plunge in the temptation
of the obscure of my dreams
when I let the fire burns
all the words
of those paths
of the abstract of the free will,
the free will, the free will...



I did not know that to live we had to die so many times
My Youtube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAaK7mFK7fUpf1E99I1Qtow

Paulski

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« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2018, 12:39:36 AM »
Hi Mora

Can't believe no-one has commented yet  :D
I think this really good.
It's a bit abstract but I like that it still seems to make sense and it's open to interpretation.
The only line I think needs work is:

Quote
from that distance that the foreign gives

Do you mean " From a distance that a stranger has?" or "from another person's perspective"?

Paul