Set Go Rest

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CaliaMoko

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« on: October 02, 2018, 07:48:09 PM »
I don't think I've posted this lyric before...and I don't often post just lyrics, but here is one I've done with no melody to it so far. And it appears I wrote this considerably earlier than I thought I had. That's because the years go by so fast, one after the other, with one of those "swooshes" that grabs you and spins you around, and before you totally get your balance, there goes another one...swoosh! I guess that explains why I get dizzy sometimes.... ;)

Set Go Rest

I have a set of dishes that I used to set the table
I set the house afire just for fun 'cause I was able
My actions set in motion some events behind the stable
And I set my mind to learn the score of time

Now I have to go and see what happened to the baby kittens
Then have a go at knitting up a fuzzy pair of mittens
And make sure all my plans will go with everything I've written
And I'll go out back to have myself a climb.

And now I'll put my song to rest, right after I eat dinner
If you want to know the rest, I fear, you'll have to find a singer
I took my hunger from its rest and now I find it's thinner
And I'll take the rest and sell it for a dime.


(c) Vicki

And now, next you want to know what I'm looking for in terms of feedback. Hmmm...does it have any future at all? Should I just file it away or should I try to come up with a melody? Do the words work? I can't recall the motivation behind writing it, but it seems to me it was in response to some kind of writing prompt I read somewhere. It was in 2015, which is too far back for me to remember.

Remember, I have no problem with criticism; in fact, it's more fun to read something critical about my writing, because it gives me something to work on. If it's specific enough, of course. I have really, really thick skin. At least in this area.



Reece!

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« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2018, 09:57:26 PM »
Hi,

I loved the the first two lines. It felt really bold and caught my attention. It took me a while to understand the lyrics as a whole. Probably just because I'm slow sometimes. I've recently just got back into lyric writing after many years of not doing it so I'm a little rusty. But I enjoyed the preamble about the years going so fast that you don't have time to catch your breathe. Once I understood the piece as a whole, I really enjoyed it. You've made the mundanity of the simple things life seem catchy. I applaud the rhyme structure. I'm not particularly good at giving advice but I'm trying.

Reece!

cowparsleyman

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« Reply #2 on: October 04, 2018, 12:29:22 PM »
Whato @CaliaMoko

I think this is my first post in the Lyrics forum. I read them and I found them most interesting, I liked the concept, and I've done a few things lately that were recorded years ago and then I've revisited through an older pair of ears, so I kind of understand the feeling, maybe a cross between deja vu and a flashback.

Anyway...no nits (as you say) no criticism...just ideas....(and by the way I'm into prosody too, i didn't know it until I just looked up what it meant)

Is there some way you can wrap it up with the 3 title words together, something like..

Are you allowed to use words that sound the same like wrest?

I'm trapped by hunger and from it I need to wrest
This feeling that I've grown to know the best,
so now I need to set go rest.



hope this helps

Rich














Furry61

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« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2018, 04:12:27 PM »
Rule no1 when writing a lyric is write something that someone will want to sing it, I don't see that here.

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #4 on: October 06, 2018, 05:15:44 PM »
@cowparsleyman : I didn't even know prosody was a word until I took a songwriting course by Pat Pattison online. I find I like the concept quite a bit and try to apply it in all my lyrics now.

I hadn't thought about something to wrap it up, but I like the idea. Thanks for the suggestion!

@Furry61 : Thanks for the comment! It would be really helpful if you could give me some ideas to indicate how the lyric could be improved. Like, what would make it more attractive to sing? Or do you consider the entire concept impossible to edit into something desirable? I really enjoy working on improvements, but I need some idea where I'm going wrong.

Furry61

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« Reply #5 on: October 06, 2018, 05:52:32 PM »
No comments  to improve the lyric, in my opinion it is not something that someone else would want to sing that is all really.

tfz

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« Reply #6 on: October 07, 2018, 09:58:21 AM »
I think that the lyric has appeal, perhaps better is the style of Tom Waits than Dolly Parton. It's the kind if thing that @Rightly could bring to life, if that makes sence? Music wouldn't be half as fun if we were all painting by numbers. Def worth sticking with, and perhaps write a chorus or refrain.

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #7 on: October 07, 2018, 04:25:43 PM »
Hmmm....chorus. Great idea from @cowparsleyman and @tfz : Inspired by CPM, maybe something like:

Ready...set...go! Set...go...rest!
I'm trapped by hunger and I know it's a test
To inspire me to grow and embrace the best
Ready, set! Ready, set! Ready, set! Set, go, rest!


First attempt. I'll have to think on it some, but kicking it up for a chorus sounds like just the thing. :D

cowparsleyman

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« Reply #8 on: October 08, 2018, 07:43:50 AM »
Whato Vicki

In my opinion this is definitely singable, It wouldn't be one that I would be able to write the melody for, but I've through the rhythm of the words and it's eminently possible.

Rich

Furry61

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« Reply #9 on: October 08, 2018, 10:31:47 AM »
Hi, I want to be constructive and helpful to all here on this forum but I have to say that this discussion is about a piece of prose it is not really a lyric.

cowparsleyman

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« Reply #10 on: October 08, 2018, 10:53:54 AM »
@Furry61 - That's cool Furry - As I'm not a lyricist what is the difference between lyrics and prose?

cpm

Furry61

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« Reply #11 on: October 08, 2018, 11:01:37 AM »
OK, this is of course a grey area, many great people have written in a poetic style but usually when they are telling a story.

I won't go into a big preamble on this post about the differences but this is clearly a poem IMHO. Anyone can disagree and that is perfectly fine.