Seasons (work in progress)

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RealKevM

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« on: October 01, 2018, 02:27:12 PM »
Hi guys, here's an early demo, work in progress of a new song that I wrote the other day. Please let me know what you think. I'm not happy about the last line in the chorus "let's go round again" I feel it needs something catchier or impactful there, any ideas?

Lyrics

It was hell
But you can't tell
A new life, someone's wife
Things are going well
Robbed of your teens
And your childhood dreams
Looks faded, feel so jaded,You just wanna be seen

Chorus
As the seasons change
One thing stays the same
Making a start with a brand new heart
Let's go round again

2nd verse
Tying on your phone
That's all you know
Waiting ages to make some changes
Yeah it's time to go
You just wanna be loved
Live everyone does
Hope is gone if you wait too long
Dont get caught in the rush
&feature=youtu.be

RealKevM

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« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2018, 09:03:41 PM »
I guess this one isn't ding much for anyone lol :)

tfz

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« Reply #2 on: October 06, 2018, 12:35:09 PM »
Hi Kev...like it - very deep, although not sure I entirely understand it.  Ebbs and flows in relationship? I agree with you on the last line of the chorus, and worth taking time to get it right. The last line of the chorus else needs to make sence, i.e. it should explain the think that stays the same in a cycle.  For example, making a start with a brand new heart might lift you up again, like a tonic.


cowparsleyman

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« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2018, 08:44:34 AM »
Whato @RealKevM - This old chap, is another brilliant song, I'm so impressed with your work, It is deep yes, but solo acoustic guitar and lone voice have a great impact if the song is deep.

I rather like the last line of the chorus, implies  a desparate situation.

Kev, I've noticed that you like to establish your songs with a decent intro, why not steam straight in by singiing right from the first note, hit the audience right in the heart/eyes, make em listen.

The 2nd verse could work with a quieter, choked strumming, this'll bring some texture to the arrangment.

Very clever lyrics.

You have a brilliant lyricist's mind.

Hope this helps Special K.

Regards

Rich

RealKevM

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« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2018, 02:04:35 PM »
Hi Kev...like it - very deep, although not sure I entirely understand it.  Ebbs and flows in relationship? I agree with you on the last line of the chorus, and worth taking time to get it right. The last line of the chorus else needs to make sence, i.e. it should explain the think that stays the same in a cycle.  For example, making a start with a brand new heart might lift you up again, like a tonic.
Thanks for taking a listen. It's meant to describe someone who was abused in their teenage years and is now married and settled down but still unhappy with their lot :)

RealKevM

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« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2018, 02:05:25 PM »
Whato @RealKevM - This old chap, is another brilliant song, I'm so impressed with your work, It is deep yes, but solo acoustic guitar and lone voice have a great impact if the song is deep.

I rather like the last line of the chorus, implies  a desparate situation.

Kev, I've noticed that you like to establish your songs with a decent intro, why not steam straight in by singiing right from the first note, hit the audience right in the heart/eyes, make em listen.

The 2nd verse could work with a quieter, choked strumming, this'll bring some texture to the arrangment.

Very clever lyrics.

You have a brilliant lyricist's mind.

Hope this helps Special K.

Regards

Rich
Cheers Rich, good suggestion about just going straight into a song, sometimes what seems obvious isn't so obvious lol i'll try that

RealKevM

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« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2018, 10:05:29 AM »
Hello! Well I played this new song live last night for the first time, i'd love for you to let me know what you think to how the song has evolved :)

EveWilliams

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« Reply #7 on: November 08, 2018, 11:13:13 PM »
Hi, Kev.  Here's my thoughts on Seasons. Just to start off with that is a beautiful guitar!

Lyrical thoughts: you have a killer opening line in 'it was hell '. It would be great if you could expand on that a little more and let us know what has gone on between these 2 characters. A bit more story would make the lyrics more accessible in that you do have quite a strong theme about moving from a previous difficult season to a potentially brighter future and I as a listener would like to be able to engage with that by being given just a couple if details.

I agree with you about the last line of the chorus. When I'm near 'let's go round again' I think of that boy band song with those words .. and also ask what are they going round again? You could get a really great pay off line here to tie all together. Something that encapsulates the relationship as it is now maybe, rather than where it was in the hellish season.'We haven't come to the end' type idea .

**Edited by Boydie - please contact me to advertise on this forum**

You actually do have a clear progression innyoir lyrics but wireframing is just always good for co ing up with story details IMHO.

Looking forward to hearing the finished product as your song has a strong emotional core.
« Last Edit: November 09, 2018, 08:06:31 AM by Boydie »

Furry61

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« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2018, 10:48:02 AM »
I have read the lyric, listened to the song, read the replies, I don't get it! I think I'm a pretty good judge of what makes a good song and I don't see that here at all, sorry.

pompeyjazz

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« Reply #9 on: November 09, 2018, 10:03:23 PM »
Personally Kev, I thought that this was an excellent song and by the sounds of it executed In very difficult circumstances. I think that you have progressed so much as a songwriter since you've been on the forum and a massive thumbs up to you for getting out there and doing it live which I'm hoping to do in at some open mic nights in the new year although I will be sh****g myself. Great stuff man. Im

pompeyjazz

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RealKevM

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« Reply #11 on: November 10, 2018, 09:55:05 AM »
Hi, Kev.  Here's my thoughts on Seasons. Just to start off with that is a beautiful guitar!

Lyrical thoughts: you have a killer opening line in 'it was hell '. It would be great if you could expand on that a little more and let us know what has gone on between these 2 characters. A bit more story would make the lyrics more accessible in that you do have quite a strong theme about moving from a previous difficult season to a potentially brighter future and I as a listener would like to be able to engage with that by being given just a couple if details.

I agree with you about the last line of the chorus. When I'm near 'let's go round again' I think of that boy band song with those words .. and also ask what are they going round again? You could get a really great pay off line here to tie all together. Something that encapsulates the relationship as it is now maybe, rather than where it was in the hellish season.'We haven't come to the end' type idea .

**Edited by Boydie - please contact me to advertise on this forum**

You actually do have a clear progression innyoir lyrics but wireframing is just always good for co ing up with story details IMHO.

Looking forward to hearing the finished product as your song has a strong emotional core.
Thank you Eve. You're totally correct about that last line, infact I have that same boyband song in my head when I sing it ha :) It needs to be changed and i've thought that myself for a short while now too, i'm glad you're reinforcing my thinking on it.

RealKevM

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« Reply #12 on: November 10, 2018, 09:55:41 AM »
I have read the lyric, listened to the song, read the replies, I don't get it! I think I'm a pretty good judge of what makes a good song and I don't see that here at all, sorry.
No worries Furry, each to their own and all that.

RealKevM

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« Reply #13 on: November 10, 2018, 09:57:48 AM »
Personally Kev, I thought that this was an excellent song and by the sounds of it executed In very difficult circumstances. I think that you have progressed so much as a songwriter since you've been on the forum and a massive thumbs up to you for getting out there and doing it live which I'm hoping to do in at some open mic nights in the new year although I will be sh****g myself. Great stuff man. Im
Thank you Sir. I'm really happy that you've recognised my progress, since I started taking my songwriting/playing seriously again this past year i've written maybe half a dozen new songs that I think are really good so i'm over the moon you have an interest in what I do :)
You would smash it at an open mic. Your songs are amazing, really good voice..that alone would offset any nerves that might creep into your performance. Go for it!

mahircankucuk

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« Reply #14 on: November 10, 2018, 01:18:38 PM »
I think an important thing is the chorus doesn't feel like a chorus.
Feel free to imagine "As the seasons change" as "1-1-7-7-1" with a sustaining emphasis in "-sons" and "change", it would give the feeling, And the chords can be "I-V-I-ii".
I see a ton of potential, keep it up!