konalavadome

Help for the lyrics of my new song

  • 3 Replies
  • 378 Views

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

moraamarolaloba

  • *
  • Open Mic
  • **
  • Posts: 167
    • Mora Amaro La Loba
« on: September 27, 2018, 01:37:14 PM »
I am preparing a new song but this time I will begin asking for your help to achieve well my lyrics... so I will avoid saying things in English that are not correct!!!!
Thank you.

"Everything happens inside

I refuse to the sadness
and I look for the door of the other side
but pain is a key that everything hidden opens.

Nothing resists its push, nothing,
it even sifts the light of the sun ...

Sadness made of facts that move in memory
putting in my retina
a myriad of pale colors with a taste of salt.

And despite my smile that becomes independent,
staying on my lips with the pride of the crazy,
everything happens inside,
slowly, without haste."
« Last Edit: September 27, 2018, 02:05:16 PM by moraamarolaloba »
I did not know that to live we had to die so many times
My Youtube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAaK7mFK7fUpf1E99I1Qtow

CaliaMoko

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 2641
  • Do It Yourself!
    • Late Bloomers Rock
« Reply #1 on: September 28, 2018, 02:29:42 AM »
Hi moraamarolaloba,

I like messing with words, so I'll tackle this. Keep in mind I don't know what you were thinking while you wrote it, so my suggestions might be way off the mark. If you find anything here that is helpful, feel free to use it. Perhaps something will trigger an even better idea for you. If nothing works for you, no worries. It was fun to work on it (I'm writing this part last, even though it's at the top).

Thanks for letting me play with your words.


I refuse to the sadness

I'm not sure what you mean here. It could be  "I refuse to give in to the sadness". You know, "I refuse to let sadness get the best of me" type of thing. Is that it? If so, maybe you could say something like, "I am stronger than sadness."

and I look for the door of the other side

I think maybe changing "of" to "to" would work for this line. If you're looking for a door to the "other side".

but pain is a key that everything hidden opens.

Okay, this line is giving me trouble. I get "pain is a key" but not "that everything hidden opens". Do you mean "the key opens everything hidden"? If you do, maybe you could simply try, "But pain is a key that opens everything hidden". It doesn't look like you're using any rhyming scheme at all, so I don't think it matters which word is at the end of the line.

Nothing resists its push, nothing,
it even sifts the light of the sun ...


I put these two lines together, because I think the first line is okay as is. I can't decide, though, about the use of the word "sifts" in the second line. I assume you're saying it gets in the way of the light of the sun, or creates shade, obscures the light of the sun...something like that? "Sifts" is an unusual approach and, therefore, maybe pretty creative. I can't decide if it's TOO different or if it's brilliant. :D Maybe see what someone else says about that one.

Sadness made of facts that move in memory

Here I think you're saying your sadness is caused by memories drifting through your mind, right? Maybe something like "Despair created by the memories floating through my mind" or "drifting through my mind"...something like that?

putting in my retina

By "retina" I assume you're referring to your "eye" and are wanting to use something more original? Personally, I don't recommend "retina'. It feels too clinical. To me, anyway. Maybe you could use the word "view" in some way. "Bringing into view" or something like that?

a myriad of pale colors with a taste of salt.

I like that one just as it is.

And despite my smile that becomes independent,

I would do something different with this, but I'm not sure what it means, I haven't figured out what you're trying to say here. Let me think. What is a smile that's independent? Does it mean you're smiling but you don't want to? Or there's a disconnect between your mind and your mouth--your mind wants to scowl or frown, but for some reason your mouth smiles without your permission? Or maybe it means your smile goes away and you're not smiling any more? No, that can't be it, since the next line says "staying on my lips". Hmmm, how about considering that smile a traitor? Betraying your sadness? Maybe you could talk directly to the traitor smile: "Oh traitorous lips; you betray my sadness"???

staying on my lips with the pride of the crazy,

Of course, if you use lips in the previous line, you can't use it here, so maybe something different for that previous line, or change this one. Let's see...."Oh traitorous smile, you betray my sadness / Flaunted thoughtlessly on my lips...." I don't know what to do with "the pride of the crazy", so I added thoughtlessly in there. Maybe you could use "wildly"?

everything happens inside,
slowly, without haste.


I like these last two lines as they are.

I'm interpreting the lyric as a whole to mean something like "I am sad, but I am strong and I won't succumb to the sadness, no matter how persistently things go wrong or how bad it gets. Slowly, I get stronger and stronger and can resist the sadness more easily." Am I close???  ;D

moraamarolaloba

  • *
  • Open Mic
  • **
  • Posts: 167
    • Mora Amaro La Loba
« Reply #2 on: September 28, 2018, 12:45:26 PM »
Hi moraamarolaloba,

I like messing with words, so I'll tackle this. Keep in mind I don't know what you were thinking while you wrote it, so my suggestions might be way off the mark. If you find anything here that is helpful, feel free to use it. Perhaps something will trigger an even better idea for you. If nothing works for you, no worries. It was fun to work on it (I'm writing this part last, even though it's at the top).

Thanks for letting me play with your words.


I refuse to the sadness

I'm not sure what you mean here. It could be  "I refuse to give in to the sadness". You know, "I refuse to let sadness get the best of me" type of thing. Is that it? If so, maybe you could say something like, "I am stronger than sadness."

and I look for the door of the other side

I think maybe changing "of" to "to" would work for this line. If you're looking for a door to the "other side".

but pain is a key that everything hidden opens.

Okay, this line is giving me trouble. I get "pain is a key" but not "that everything hidden opens". Do you mean "the key opens everything hidden"? If you do, maybe you could simply try, "But pain is a key that opens everything hidden". It doesn't look like you're using any rhyming scheme at all, so I don't think it matters which word is at the end of the line.

Nothing resists its push, nothing,
it even sifts the light of the sun ...


I put these two lines together, because I think the first line is okay as is. I can't decide, though, about the use of the word "sifts" in the second line. I assume you're saying it gets in the way of the light of the sun, or creates shade, obscures the light of the sun...something like that? "Sifts" is an unusual approach and, therefore, maybe pretty creative. I can't decide if it's TOO different or if it's brilliant. :D Maybe see what someone else says about that one.

Sadness made of facts that move in memory

Here I think you're saying your sadness is caused by memories drifting through your mind, right? Maybe something like "Despair created by the memories floating through my mind" or "drifting through my mind"...something like that?

putting in my retina

By "retina" I assume you're referring to your "eye" and are wanting to use something more original? Personally, I don't recommend "retina'. It feels too clinical. To me, anyway. Maybe you could use the word "view" in some way. "Bringing into view" or something like that?

a myriad of pale colors with a taste of salt.

I like that one just as it is.

And despite my smile that becomes independent,

I would do something different with this, but I'm not sure what it means, I haven't figured out what you're trying to say here. Let me think. What is a smile that's independent? Does it mean you're smiling but you don't want to? Or there's a disconnect between your mind and your mouth--your mind wants to scowl or frown, but for some reason your mouth smiles without your permission? Or maybe it means your smile goes away and you're not smiling any more? No, that can't be it, since the next line says "staying on my lips". Hmmm, how about considering that smile a traitor? Betraying your sadness? Maybe you could talk directly to the traitor smile: "Oh traitorous lips; you betray my sadness"???

staying on my lips with the pride of the crazy,

Of course, if you use lips in the previous line, you can't use it here, so maybe something different for that previous line, or change this one. Let's see...."Oh traitorous smile, you betray my sadness / Flaunted thoughtlessly on my lips...." I don't know what to do with "the pride of the crazy", so I added thoughtlessly in there. Maybe you could use "wildly"?

everything happens inside,
slowly, without haste.


I like these last two lines as they are.

I'm interpreting the lyric as a whole to mean something like "I am sad, but I am strong and I won't succumb to the sadness, no matter how persistently things go wrong or how bad it gets. Slowly, I get stronger and stronger and can resist the sadness more easily." Am I close???  ;D


You have interpreted the lyric correctly, that is exactly what I want to say. Many thanks Calia for your time, your interest and your so kind way of telling what do you think. I will introduce some of the changes you suggest to me.
When the song is finished, you will see the result.

Cheers.

Cheers.
I did not know that to live we had to die so many times
My Youtube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAaK7mFK7fUpf1E99I1Qtow

Girawuth

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 2
    • sbo ผลบอล
« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2018, 05:27:10 AM »
I'm also looking for new songs. It's a story I'm studying right now.