Monster Say Goodnight

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Mella

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« on: August 11, 2018, 04:08:14 PM »
Hello all!
Would love your feedback on this one I'm working on. It's a ballad with a piano, I'll redo both if/when I record it for real. Any thoughts or advice is much appreciated!

Maybe you don't think that I remember
The broken tables that we ran behind
Hiding from the demons of your temper
Four years old becoming old and wise

There's no sense believing in monsters
No need to search the closet or the bed
The worst one of them all calls me daughter
The monsters all live inside her head

I owe you everything
you're every reason why I run and hide
You are my everything
the reason I can't look you in the eye
Oh mother can't you see
how good I tried to be
You are my monster
say goodnight

Maybe I could pay someone to tell me
I deserved it all and you were right
But I can't find a doctor who can help me
And you won't let me go without a fight

I owe you everything
you're every reason why I run and hide
You are my everything
the reason I can't look you in the eye
Oh mother can't you see
how good I tried to be
You are my monster
say goodnight

Maybe in a million lifetimes
You and I can both forget
Everything you said never happened
So why haven't I healed yet?

I owe you everything
you're every reason why I run and hide
You are my everything
the reason I can't look you in the eye
Oh mother can't you see
how good I tried to be
You are my monster
say goodnight

Tuck me into bed and say goodnight
Don't check under the bed and say goodnight
You are my monster, say goodnight

https://soundcloud.com/mella-1-1/monster-say-goodnight-writingdemo/s-s7hAj

pompeyjazz

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« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2018, 08:40:56 PM »
Hi Mella. Loved the vocals and The sparcity of the song. Perhaps you could introduce another section as the 2 chord interchange can get a bit repetitious although no real big deal with that as you mix it up well with your vocals. Interesting piece and looking forward to hearing the development of it. I wouldn't mind having a go at a production jobby on this song. Pm me if you're interested  :)

Break.thru

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« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2018, 10:49:32 PM »
Like the piano part, your voice and the lyrics.

Actually really really like these lyrics - powerful. 

Use of word monsters around 0:59 seems like a really good hook to me.

One idea would be setting off the vocals in a portion (e.g. prechorus or chorus e.g. from 1:06-1:23), by including a couple falsetto notes and/or doubling your vocal and/or harmonizing with yourself. 

I could hear some falsetto ahhhs (maybe descending) in the background/reverby possibly behind some parts. 

Anyway, nice song - powerful - really stirring some empathy.

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2018, 11:53:33 PM »
I think you have an excellent lyric here. I'd like to see some musical development as you move through the song. I read this as Verse, Verse, Chorus, Verse, Chorus, Bridge, Chorus, Outro. Based on that my suggestions are:

-Kick it up a little in the second verse.
-Kick it up more in the chorus
-Drop back a bit in the third verse.
-Back up for the chorus
-Drop back for the beginning of the bridge and build until you're rising and crescendo-ing on the last line "So why haven't I healed yet?" By rising (in case that isn't clear) I suggest moving the melody up gradually instead of staying down where the rest of the song is. Like, start the line down where it is and rise until it's up and loud at the end of the line.
-Hit it again for the chorus
-And then drop back way down for the outro.

Just some ideas. I don't know what you usually do for production, but I see pompeyjazz has volunteered to take a crack at it. I've worked with him and I think he does a great job so, unless you have another plan already in place, I would consider taking him up on that. He probably has better ideas than I do.

I'll be looking forward to seeing an update on this one on the Finished Songs board at some point. I hope.

Vicki

cowparsleyman

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« Reply #4 on: August 15, 2018, 07:30:05 AM »
Hi Mella

Nice Vox, piano sounds good.

I'm with Vicki, Pompey and Break, all their comments are spot on...I'm kind of waiting for the change in texture...Love to hear you push your voice, that could work as a change of texture, Monsters are scarey, so sound scared....

Like Pompey I can hear an arrangement in my head, how it could breathe and take the listener for a journey, surprises on the way...things stopping when you don't expect it, things distorted when they shouldn't be....but that's just a personal take on it, you need to be comfy with how you want the piece to be portrayed.

Certainly could do with some BVox, but all subtle like...

...and as Vicki says you might benefit from a change of key somewhere, so the return to the motif is more powerful.

Let me know if I can assist...

cpm



Mella

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« Reply #5 on: August 16, 2018, 01:26:26 PM »
Thanks everyone! I don't know how to reply to individual writers yet (still new here  ;D ) but I appreciate all of your thoughts! I definitely want to add background vocals and the piano is actually a loop. I'm not a good piano player at all but I will definitely hire someone to do an actual piano because I agree it gets tedious to hear the same thing for 4 minutes! I will definitely add different vocal elements to change things up also. I just heard "Twice" by Christina Aguilera and I think that's a good reference for what I'm envisioning. Thanks so much for your input!