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Suggestions Feedback Anything Would Be Much appreciated

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Just4kikzz

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« on: August 06, 2018, 10:47:08 PM »
Hello everyone first of all I appreciate you taking the time check
My post out. Im very knew to this type of forum but I'm here because
I love to write and have a passion for music and powerful lyrics
I am learning the Acoustic guitar simply to get to that place where
I see some many musicians go to and the only way I can get there is by practicing
Also I feel music is the only way I can let the things out I wanna say mostly
Express as I feel everything and have so much to get out not really for a crowd
But for me to just get it all out and that place again I'm not sure if
Anyone understands  what I mean about that place but I think most will.
I've never wrote anything on this scale before took me an hour so I'm not expecting to much but any kind of feedback is much appreciated  negative positive it all helps. This particular  song is a bit dark and down but
Layne out of Alice and Chains is what gets me anyways thank you for your time and again much appreciated.




"YOU N ME"

[Verse 1]
NEVER TRUST YES I DO
SHUT YOU OUT NOT U
CUT MY SELF DO YOU 2 
COLOUR BLUE  PURPLE YOU


[Hook 1]
You N Me  Me N You
Me N Me You N You

You N Me  Me N You
Me N Me You N You






[Verse 2]
SLEEP STILL YES U
DREAMS KILLED DAISYS GREW TIME HEALS MAYBE YOU RUST
KILLS PEELS AWAY CLOUDS GREY SAIL AWAY OCEANS AWAY
 


[Hook 2]
You N Me  Me N You
Me N Me You N You

You N Me  Me N You
Me N Me You N You

[Verse 3]
RUNAWAY  BEST FOR YOU HOPE YOU FEEL WHAT IS REAL ME OR YOU RIVERS LOW EYES CLOSED CHOSEN SIDES INCOMING  TIDES

[Hook 3]
Sun Comes Up I Go Down

Sun Goes Down You Go Up

Yes Im High Yes Im High

[Verse 4]
JUDGING ME  ABANDON ME WHO ARE YOU ONCE I KNEW YOUR FREINDS ARE GREEN THE EXCEPTED SCENE
ASHAMED OF ME YES ITS TRUE

[Hook 4]
You N Me  You Not Me

Me N You Me Not You

You N Me  You Not Me

[Verse 5]
 STILL IM MEEEE JUST ANOTHER MEMORY TO YOU YES IM HIGH INSPIRATION SEE STRUMMING C CREATIVY ART OF ME STRUMMING E REMEMBER  MEEEEEEE

[Hook 5]
Remember  Me Remember  You

Remember  Me Remember  You

YOUU MEEEE  YOUU MEEEE


CaliaMoko

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« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2018, 02:01:06 AM »
Hi J,

I hope this doesn't come across as rude...but I couldn't understand what the song was trying to say. Maybe it's just me? I can kind of get a dark, depressed ambiance from it, and maybe that's what you're going for? Much of it seemed so random to me. I am curious about two things.

1. Because of how much trouble I had following what you were trying to say, both in the intro to the song and in the song itself, I'm wondering if English is a second language for you? If so, that could make it challenging.

2. Do you have a melody written for this lyric? Hearing how you sing it might give the song a little more clarity. For me, anyway.

I am far, far from being any kind of expert, so don't take any of this too seriously.

And, welcome to the forum. It looks like this may be your first post? It can be nerve-wracking to put your personal stuff out where anyone in the world can see it, so congratulations on doing that!

Best of luck with your music,
Vicki

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #2 on: August 21, 2018, 05:37:55 AM »
I was like Vicky.  I couldn't tell what you were trying to say with this lyric.    I know the lyric is dark and somewhat despondent because of the reference to "cutting." 

Dark and despondent lyrics have a place, but they have to give some insight into what the protagonist is dark and despondent about.  In the end, all your protagonist communicated that I could understand was "I'm depressed."  And I got that from the first few lines.  The rest was wasted (on me.)  Someone else might find some meaning I missed.  That was all I could get from it. 

To some extent, I got an impression that you (the writer) or your protagonist just wanted to tell us how he/she FELT, but was not willing to share any details about WHY he/she felt that way, or how he/she got into such a state of mind.  The sharing of details IS the lyric in most cases. 
« Last Edit: August 21, 2018, 05:40:20 AM by hardtwistmusic »
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #3 on: August 21, 2018, 05:58:13 AM »
It occurred to me that some of the problem understanding this might have been about how it was formatted.  I'll re-format it and try again to find some meaning in it.  --  HardTwistMusic

"YOU N ME"

[Verse 1]
NEVER TRUST      --     YES I DO
SHUT YOU OUT     --     NOT U
CUT MY SELF         --     DO YOU 2 
COLOUR BLUE     --      PURPLE YOU

[Hook 1]
You N Me       --     Me N You
Me N Me       --      You N You
You N Me      --      Me N You
Me N Me       --      You N You

[Verse 2]
SLEEP STILL      --     YES U
DREAMS KILLED     --   DAISYS GREW
TIME HEALS        --      MAYBE YOU
RUST KILLS       --   PEELS AWAY
CLOUDS GREY      --   SAIL AWAY       --   OCEANS AWAY
 
[Hook 2]
You N Me       --      Me N You
Me N Me       --       You N You
You N Me       --      Me N You
Me N Me      --      You N You

[Verse 3]
RUNAWAY     --     BEST FOR YOU
HOPE YOU FEEL     --     WHAT IS REAL
ME OR YOU     --     RIVERS LOW
EYES CLOSED     --    CHOSEN SIDES    ---   INCOMING  TIDES

[Hook 3]
Sun Comes Up   --    I Go Down
Sun Goes Down    --    You Go Up
Yes Im High      --     Yes Im High

[Verse 4]
JUDGING ME     --     ABANDON ME
WHO ARE YOU?     --    ONCE I KNEW
YOUR FREINDS ARE GREEN   --   THE EXCEPTED SCENE
ASHAMED OF ME     --      YES ITS TRUE

[Hook 4]
You N Me     --    You Not Me
Me N You     --    Me Not You
You N Me     --    You Not Me

[Verse 5]
 STILL IM MEEEE     --  JUST ANOTHER MEMORY   
TO YOU      --     YES IM HIGH     
INSPIRATION SEE     --      STRUMMING C
CREATIVY        --    ART OF ME
STRUMMING E       --    REMEMBER  MEEEEEEE

[Hook 5]
Remember  Me    --     Remember  You
Remember  Me      --    Remember  You
YOUU MEEEE       --     YOUU MEEEE

Formatted that way, I can make some additional sense of it.  But still, all I get is that you (the writer) or the protoganist are despondent over being unappreciated, and probably dumped.  That still isn't enough detail to make it in any way memorable.  You've got to share some of the "why" if you want to reach people.   

www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.