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"Love Me A Little More"

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Davino

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« on: August 05, 2018, 01:56:37 AM »
"Love Me A Little More"

Lullabies, float upon the breeze to me, I hear sweet melodies
cast a line and return yourself  back to the seas
with whispered tendrils of hinted abandon
a carnival in full bloom does await
no need to further ruminate on details so minor
love me a little more, nothing is finer

Oh, the storm is finally passing
it drenched the land for too long
a prayer answered,
the dark clouds just scooted away like a figment of a dream
or, so it does seem...

It seems to me a doctor could easily cure our ills
with reassurance, understanding, and without any pills
you whisper softly "it's good to be alive"
you kid not, hallelujah, though hornets still patrol the hive 
savory flavors waft up the midway at a carnival in memory
In the darkest moment of the night a bell may chime a noonday call
and with the right ears I could hear it cry out and rescue my soul by pointing the way, a tad nearer to whole.

Love me a little more, with the tenacity of a soldier,
a little more each and every day
I yearn for your chuckle
and I often dream of you
though right by my side you cocoon
ensconced as we are in our cozy bedroom,
enraptured by the pall of the
deep in dreams, everything is as it seems
We get closer to heaven each and every day
so, Love Me A Little More, just fall into my outstretched arms and beguile me with your joy, spirited uplifting with no effort at all, natural inspiration, yes baby, oh joy! 

Imaginations, run free
more good news and, perhaps a child to love soon may be delivered to us
yet, for now there is only you and me
You and me
and the memories of laughter and joy,
at the cusp of the shimmering sea...

Love me a little more,
as If I'm a sightseer
take me on a guided tour
Love me a little more

Davino

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« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2018, 01:38:11 PM »
bump for feedback

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2018, 03:01:48 PM »
Hey Davino! I don't know if I'll be of much help to you for feedback. I've read through the lyric a few times, but I can't get it to flow like a song. I don't feel a rhythm to it that would lend itself to a melody. Do you have any idea for a rhythm and/or melody for this?

As poetry, it comes across to me like a crazy quilt of metaphors--a collection of images that are not really related to each other but connected to each other by the "stitching" of "Love Me a Little More".

I have a few specific recommendations that may or may not work or be useful for you, as they are merely ideas based on my opinions and preferences.


Lullabies, float upon the breeze to me, I hear sweet melodies
You don't need "to me" as the point of view is yours, plus you finish with hearing the sweet melodies

cast a line and return pull yourself back to the seas
with whispered tendrils of hinted abandon

To me, this is the border between two patches of the quilt. The first patch or block is the image of casting a line to the seas and then being pulled by that line into the sea, rather than pulling a fish (or whatever) from the sea. The next patch is "a carnival in full bloom"--totally a different image, which ends with your theme of "love me a little more".
a carnival in full bloom does await
no need to further ruminate on details so minor
love me a little more, nothing is finer


Next we have another patch--an image of a storm, drenching the land and then passing.
Oh, the storm is finally passing
it drenched the land for too so long

Replacing "for too" with "so" shortens and strengthens the feel of the line. But may not convey the feel you want; I can't tell.

a prayer answered,
the dark clouds just scooted away like a figment of a dream

I don't think you need "just". In fact, you could tighten it even more with something like "the dark clouds vanished like a..."

or, so it does seem...
I personally don't like phrases like "does seem" and would likely be more direct and say "so it seems". Also, you end this line with "seem" and start the next line with "It seems" which is (I think) unnecessarily repetitive:

It seems to me I believe a doctor could easily cure our ills
with reassurance, understanding, and without any pills
you whisper softly "it's good to be alive"

That was a patch with a medical metaphor

you kid not, hallelujah, though hornets still patrol the hive
Here we move to hornets and a hive--with a hallelujah thrown in, and then we're back at the carnival
savory flavors waft up the midway at a carnival in memory

The next two lines have me baffled, I'm afraid. Perhaps the only metaphor is the bell itself? Or maybe this is an image taking place at the carnival...
In the darkest moment of the night a bell may chime a noonday call
and with the right ears I could hear it cry out and rescue my soul by pointing the way, a tad nearer to whole
.

Unfortunately, I don't have time to finish analyzing the whole thing, but this much will give you an idea how my mind works with this kind of writing. I hope something here has been helpful but, if not, no worries. I kind of enjoy trying to analyze words.

I have a hint for you. I've noticed you haven't been getting much feedback. When I first became active in the forum, it took me a little while to figure out (someone gave me a nudge, actually) that I would get more feedback if I handed out as much feedback as I could. I didn't feel qualified to give feedback, so that had been holding me back, but when I realized I could just give my opinion--and make sure I pointed out it was just my opinion because, really, I am no expert!--I could provide a lot of feedback. After that I started getting more feedback on my stuff. I tend to think of the feedback I give as my "payment" for the feedback I get. :D

So, best of luck with your lyric. I hope it all comes together for you. Do you write music too? When you write a lyric, do you try to make the rhythms and words match some kind of melody or rhythm in your head? I always used to write words and melodies together, but the past couple years or so I've sometimes totally written the words first. I always have a musical kind of rhythm in mind at a minimum, though.

Davino

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« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2018, 03:27:31 PM »
Thanks very much for your help! I don't write lyrics with specific musical cadence, I just write them.

Furry61

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« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2018, 04:00:55 PM »
That is probably where you are going wrong then.

Davino

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« Reply #5 on: December 18, 2018, 11:10:10 PM »
yeah, I've got a lot to learn.

Davino

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« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2019, 02:17:00 PM »
Hey Davino! I don't know if I'll be of much help to you for feedback. I've read through the lyric a few times, but I can't get it to flow like a song. I don't feel a rhythm to it that would lend itself to a melody. Do you have any idea for a rhythm and/or melody for this?

As poetry, it comes across to me like a crazy quilt of metaphors--a collection of images that are not really related to each other but connected to each other by the "stitching" of "Love Me a Little More".


Your analysis is VERY revealing to me that I need to carefully edit my writings. Be on the lookout for another poem!