[Veance]

This is one of the latest songs I try to make.
I'm shure there will be a lot of comments on this one. I hope I can use those to improve the lyrics. Because my english isn't good enough, I think I make a lot of grammar errors.

This story based song is actually derived from a fear I had as a young adult when I had to visit the parents of some girlfriends I had back then. The fear of not being good enough.
It's the father speaking to his daughters lover.

"Some friendly advice"

Hey kid, can I, uhm, give you some friendly advice
It's about my daughter
Well, of course you have friendly eyes
But you're nothing for her

She needs a man who knows what to do
Someone who fits the shoe.
So you see that I don't agree
and you can go…


Hey kid, It's hard but I tell you no lies
It's untill you bore her
Now, I told you to leave no surprice
You will get over her

There's a lot of fish in the sea
So you can quit perfectly
Find another girl in this world
And live forever happily


Now I meant for the kid to have a part in the lyrics but I don't know yet what direction he needs to go in. Maybe...
Anyway the atitude in the song changes when he sings. More distorted guitar and reverb?

Kid:

Wow, Who do you think you are?
You're getting this way too far.
You had your chance in life, my friend
So don't take away what's ours.

She needs a father who knows what to do
Someone who really fits the shoe
So you see that I don't agree
And I won't go...

[CaliaMoko]

Hi Veance,

This looks like a lyric about a young man courting a young woman whose father thinks he's not good enough for her. Did I get that right?

Sometimes, when a person is writing in a "second language" (like you, here, writing in English, which is not your first language), you end up with unusual phrasing. That isn't always bad; sometimes it's unique. I'm trying to decide about "someone who fits the shoe", which you use a couple times. We often say "...fits the bill" or "...walk in someone else's shoes", but in this case it might work the way you wrote it. Like, the dad has already decided on the "shoes" and he knows the young man doesn't fit them. Which means he doesn't meet the dad's expectations for an appropriate suitor for his daughter.

I'll mention a couple things...like the first line: "Hey kid, can I, uhm, give you some friendly advice". Now this dad I see as assertive and someone who knows his mind. I don't see him as someone who would sound hesitant about giving advice to a suitor of his daughter's, one he doesn't like. So I would make that more like:

"Hey, kid, let me give you some friendly advice"

There he's being forthright, kind of in the young man's face, even, telling him what he thinks. Not in a mean way, but in a definite way. That's how I interpret what you're trying to do, anyway.

With that in mind, I tried some options for the first two verses that would get that across, maybe, and came up with this:

Hey, kid, let me give you some friendly advice
I know you like my daughter; it comes as no surprise
And I think you're an honest and friendly guy
But you're not the one for her

She needs a man, sophisticated and cool
Who, no matter what happens, always knows what to do
And I really have to tell you, that guy's not you
Move on, boy, you're not the one for her

Now, that's quite a bit different from what you wrote, and it probably isn't the way you want to tell your story, but maybe you'll get some helpful ideas from it. Feel free to use anything that works for you. Or just ignore me altogether if I'm totally missing the mark.

You'll probably get some good ideas from other forum members, as well. I hope you get it whipped into shape the way you want it!

Vicki

[Veance]

Hey Vicky,

Thanks for the effort you made for me. And you're absolutely right. My english is often a to direct translation of my own language. Your spot on what my goal was in the song.
Sometimes it's the small changes that matter. I can really understand that "let me give you some friendly advice is better because he is assertive.
Maybe I will change it even to 'honest advice' instead. Maybe 'friendly' would be seen by someone as being sarcastic. But that's not neccesaraly so.

I can see that I need lots more practice on my English.
Like 'fits the shoe. It's not my goal to make up my own language, in Belgium we say 'wie het schoentje past, trekt het aan'. So I translated that.

There are certainly some elements I can use in the verses you wrote. But the - how do you call it - metrum? isn't right. Second part in each verse need's to be smaller then the rest.

Anyway , You helped me  a lot. I gives me something to think about.

Should someone else have any idea or opinion, they are welcome too.

[adamfarr]

Hi Veance


Nice song concept!


We do have a similar saying "if the shoe fits, wear it" - though the meaning is more to go along with what feels right. However, I do like the way it's used here - it does show a rigid pre-conceived pattern into which this guy has to fit. Also it could be a reference to Cinderella which was the same kind of idea.


I also like "friendly advice" - I think that gives more of an idea that it's the father's idea and not just the girl's.


Anyhow, good luck with wherever you go with it!

[Veance]

Interesting thoughts. The more one thinks about anything that's written, the more different kinds of flavor it all gets. ( Hope I explain this one right  )

- About the 'friendly' advice. I then use 'friendly two times very close to each other. Isn't that to much?

- When I read these lyrics, I often feel it needs more maturaty. I mean, the way it's written, not the story itself.

Any thought on that?

[philbee]

Original:
Hey kid, can I, uhm, give you some friendly advice
It's about my daughter
Well, of course you have friendly eyes
But you're nothing for her

Vicki's input:
Hey, kid, let me give you some friendly advice
I know you like my daughter; it comes as no surprise
And I think you're an honest and friendly guy
But you're not the one for her

My suggestion:
Hey, kid, let me give you some friendly advice
I see you like my daughter
You seem a decent type of guy
Just not the one for her.

This uses the type of everyday language that a father would use in such a situation.
It also stays with the same number of syllables as your original.

It's important with dialogue for it to sound real and not writerly.

I hope this helps.........

[Veance]

Yeah it does help, thank you.
The lines didn't really feel smooth and that's probably the reason why.