[Neil C]

Hi,

Really would appreciate ay feedback on this slightly convoluted and dark love story. Inspired in part by some Telly I watched recently about the Cray twins [ notorious London Gangster in the 60's], with interviews with old associates of their who are now in their 80's..

Thanks for reading and I'd love suggestions and comments on this story. It is all singable. But it has 2 x smile and 2 x glove in it, always room for improvement.

  Neil

Please sit down I’ll tell you my story
I promise  it wont take long
About a girl as gorgeous as can be
A girl that had the best of me

Driving for some big shots south of the river
The work was regular, cash in hand
No questions asked, kept my mouth shut
My eyes on the road, leather gloves on hands

refrain

One look in the rear view, I was taken
All smiles and laughter, we both knew the score
Pulled into a lay-by on the, A27
No words were spoken, I never told a soul

Her hair pulled back as dark as midnight
A captivating smile and Dusty’s eyes
Wasn’t thinking about the future
Just the here and now, I’d never felt so alive

Jennifer, Jenifer I love you
Jennifer, Jennifer, we were just passing through

He sent some heavies down from the city
All black moustaches, smelt of cigar smoke
I always knew that it couldn’t end well
And then, the lights, went out

I heard later from a friend her looks were taken
I have to say I still can’t walk too well
If I could have my time again. Would I do same?
And then I’d have another tale to tell

Jennifer, Jenifer I love you
Jennifer, Jennifer, we were just passing through

Jennifer, Jenifer I love you
Jennifer, Jennifer, I was always true

C 2018 Newark/Connor

[hardtwistmusic]

In addition to being a "dark love story" it's kind of a twisted morality tale also.  I liked it. 

I haven't been around for a long time.  Had some health problems.  Did you ever finish the "Cougar" song and the Trump "Legend in his own mind" song? 

[CaliaMoko]

A few ideas that may or may not work for you...offered freely, no strings or expectations.

Please sit down I’ll tell you my story
I promise  it wont take long
About a girl as gorgeous as can be
A girl that had the best of me

Consider: "A girl who had the best of me"

One look in the rear view, I was taken
All smiles and laughter, we both knew the score
Pulled into a lay-by on the, A27
No words were spoken, I never told a soul

Consider: "One look in the mirror; I was taken"

Her hair pulled back as dark as midnight
A captivating smile and Dusty’s eyes
Wasn’t thinking about the future
Just the here and now, I’d never felt so alive

Consider: "A captivating aura and Dusty's eyes"

He sent some heavies down from the city
All black moustaches, smelt of cigar smoke
I always knew that it couldn’t end well
And then, the lights, went out

Consider: "I always knew it couldn't end well"

Vicki

PS: I have a bias against calling grown women "girls", but that's me, ya know...

[Jenna]

I'm going to piggy-back on Vickie's handiwork here with a couple of things that could use some detail . . .

A few ideas that may or may not work for you...offered freely, no strings or expectations.

Please sit down I’ll tell you my story
I promise  it wont take long
About a girl as gorgeous as can be
A girl that had the best of me

Consider: "A girl who had the best of me"

Perhaps something like, "I was struck by her beauty," which can grab interest and beg for more, or "under the spell of her beauty," Which opens the door to how he got caught up in this mess. It doesn't have the same prosody, though, so may not be useful to you. "About a girl of striking beauty," I'm wanting more than 'gorgeous' in this line, something with a little action and/or power.

One look in the rear view, I was taken
All smiles and laughter, we both knew the score
Pulled into a lay-by on the, A27
No words were spoken, I never told a soul

Consider: "One look in the mirror; I was taken"

Personally, I liked the rear view perspective, but wanted it followed by something more impactful, "Hooked me hard" "I fell hard," a more descriptive, action/oriented verb pair. Also, the last line confuses me. What is it he's not saying? Are they together at this stage or is this just him remembering that love at first sight moment? (remember, I'm a bit dense with inferences)

Her hair pulled back as dark as midnight
A captivating smile and Dusty’s eyes
Wasn’t thinking about the future
Just the here and now, I’d never felt so alive

Consider: "A captivating aura and Dusty's eyes"
The first line here could more to paint the picture, "Midnight mane pulled back/up tight, A dreamy smile and (who's Dusty?)  . . . eyes" or "mischievous/devious grin/smile" can add something about her personality to match the storyline of trouble to come.

He sent some heavies down from the city
All black moustaches, smelt of cigar smoke
I always knew that it couldn’t end well
And then, the lights, went out

Consider: "I always knew it couldn't end well"
"cigar-smoked coats" "cigar-soaked coats" . . . . "Something inside knew this wouldn't end well,"
Vicki

PS: I have a bias against calling grown women "girls", but that's me, ya know...
I do agree with this unless they were teenagers or young adults, in which case, I'm of the age that 'girl' could be the accurate description. She could even be called a woman/child, if she's immature and reckless trouble.

[katiewilson1]

Hi Neil i really enjoyed your lyrics I just had a re- write of my own hope that's ok Katie xxx


Please sit down I’ll tell you a story
I promise you it wont take longgg
It's About a girl as gorgeous as can be
A girl that knows the best of me

I was driving  for some big shots - south of the river
The work was regular it was cash in hand
No questions asked, I just had to keep my mouth shut
My eyes were on the road, my leather gloves on my hands

refrain

One look in the rear view and I was taken
All smiles and laughter, we both knew the score
I Pulled into a lay-by on the A27
No words were spoken- I never told a soul

Her hair pulled back as dark as the midnight sky
A captivating smile and Dusty’s eyes flickered
We weren't  thinking about the future
Just the here and now, I’d never felt so -alive

Jennifer, Jenifer I love youuuu
Jennifer, Jennifer, we were just passing throughhhh

He sent some heavies down from the city
All black moustaches they smelt of cigar smoke
I always knew that it couldn’t end well
And then the lights went out.  for me

I heard later from a friend her looks were taken
I have to say I still can’t walk too well, even now
If I could have my time with you again. Would I do the same ?
Yes I would , yes I would , yes I would

Jennifer, Jenifer I love youuuu
Jennifer, Jennifer, we were just passing throughhhh

Jennifer, Jenifer I love youuuu
Jennifer, Jennifer, I was always true
It might have just been one night
but you'll burn bright in my heart forever

Jennifer, Jenifer I love youuuu
Jennifer, Jennifer, we were just passing throughhhh

[PopTodd]

I just think that the entire first verse "Let me tell you a story" thing is entirely unnecessary.
At least from a lyrical point of view. Maybe you need it as padding to make the song long enough?
Not trying to be harsh. The rest of the lyric is good. A really good story.
But really, verses like that say nothing. Add nothing.

Maybe a better first verse might be more of a set-up.
Why were you talking that job driving for big shots? How did you wind up there? Set it up. Give us some mood, and a sense of the character who is narrating the tale.
Not too deep, just a quick sketch in that first verse. Take no more time than your existing verse does already.
Just a thought. But I think that it would make it a stronger lyric.

[Neil C]

Thanks for the feedback guys and girls, really helpful to have a second opinions.

Verlon,

Glad you liked it and hope your health issues get sorted soon. Re the two songs, they're both a various states of completion but need some more work which I will do over the summer I promise. And will pm them over for you to hear.

Vicki, thanks for that, there's a couple in there that work for me. Re "I have a bias against calling grown women "girls", I understand your point. Its a vernacular that sounds right for an ageing London gang member to say.

Jenna, really interesting comments thanks:
What's more powerful? Like beauty its in the eye of the beholder? eg for me 'gorgeous' is a pretty powerful description and suits an old man is telling his story in a matter of fact manner..but that doesn't mean I'm right

You also asked ' Are they together at this stage or is this just him remembering that love at first sight moment? (remember, I'm a bit dense with inferences)' . in my storyline they only made love once and that was it, but I like some ambiguity so the listener can draw from it what there own version.

Katie, thanks for your suggestions, I'll have to see how they sing

PopTodd, I understand your point v1 sets the scene but isn't the story, its sets the context. I'll ponder on that thanks