konalavadome

Whoa. I think I wrote my first love song today. "When I Met You."

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Jenna

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« on: June 12, 2018, 12:55:48 AM »
Let me know what you think. This one definitely came with its own melody. I hope I can get it down before it disappears:

When I Met You

As smooth as a bird soars through the trees
And as soft as the wind on their leaves
Is how your touch affects me
As I drift into a dream.

Your gaze it washes over me like
The steady rain outside our door
I take in the beauty that surrounds me
And my thoughts set to wondering
how I could ever want for more

Reflecting on old daydreams
Inside my weary mind
Reminds me of those faded days
When love existed only for the blind

You've brought to life
The dreams inside me
Given me back some meaning
This precious gift of living life
With purpose and in freedom

When I met you
I met the sunrise
When I met you
A truth came in disguise
When I met you
It healed my deepest wounds
When I met you
I owned the moon.

All our years, they go so fast
As we grow into each other
Grow into this beautiful thing
Between friends and lovers

I close my eyes and breathe your smile
And it lifts my spirits high
It's in this moment that I know
this love will never die

When I met you
I met the sunrise
When I met you
A truth came in disguise
When I met you
It healed my deepest wounds
When I met you
I owned the moon

Paulski

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« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2018, 01:04:56 AM »
Hi Jenna

It's good and so is the concept/title.
But here I go again whining about wanting to see the hook sooner!
I'm such a pain in the ass!  :o :o
Quote
Don't bore us - get to the chorus!
The chorus is really good too!
Don't make us wait!

Paul

Jenna

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« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2018, 01:31:10 AM »
Easily fixed. Good point!

When I Met You

As smooth as a bird soars through the trees
And as soft as the wind on their leaves
Is how your touch affects me
As I drift into a dream.

Your gaze it washes over me like
The steady rain outside our door
I take in the beauty that surrounds me
And my thoughts set to wondering
how I could ever want for more

When I met you
I met the sunrise
When I met you
A truth came in disguise
When I met you
It healed my deepest wounds
When I met you
I owned the moon

Reflecting on old daydreams
Inside my weary mind
Reminds me of those faded days
When love existed only for the blind

You've brought to life
The dreams inside me
Given me back some meaning
This precious gift of living life
With purpose and in freedom

When I met you
I met the sunrise
When I met you
A truth came in disguise
When I met you
It healed my deepest wounds
When I met you
I owned the moon.

All our years, they go so fast
As we grow into each other
Grow into this beautiful thing
Between friends and lovers

I close my eyes and breathe your smile
And it lifts my spirits high
It's in this moment that I know
this love will never die

When I met you
I met the sunrise
When I met you
A truth came in disguise
When I met you
It healed my deepest wounds
When I met you
I owned the moon

philbee

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« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2018, 02:00:35 AM »
It's all good, but I'll just throw in a possibility that may fall into place as you develop the music.
Maybe the title line 'When I met you' becomes stronger if not repeated 4 times.
And starting the lines with 'Truth' and 'Healed' could feel more powerful.
But it depends how the music evolves.

I tend to play around with melody, rhythm and words and don't know for certain until I actually hear it.

When I met you
I met the sunrise
Meeting you
Truth came in disguise
Meeting you
Healed my deepest wounds
When I met you
I owned the moon.

Jenna

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« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2018, 02:05:47 AM »
Noted. Thank you. I see a few other wording changes I'd like to make, too.

philbee

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« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2018, 02:48:20 AM »
Ha - now I'm seeing this as a possibility - bringing 'sunrise' and 'moon' closer and altering where the rhymes fall:

When I met you, I met the sunrise
Meeting you, I owned the moon
When I met you, truth came in disguise
Meeting you, healed my deepest wounds

Just more grist for the mill.........


Jenna

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« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2018, 02:59:41 AM »
I like it. Updated to reflect your first suggestion. Working on the second. Very helpful. Thank you.

When I Met You

As smooth as a bird soars through the trees
And as gentle as the wind whispers on their leaves
Is how your touch feels to me as I drift into a dream.

Your gaze it washes over me like
That steady rain outside our door
Drinking in this beauty surrounding me
how I could ever want for more

Meeting you
I met the sunrise
Meeting you
I own the moon
Meeting you
Truth came in disguise
Meeting you
Healed my deepest wounds

Reflecting on old daydreams
Inside my weary mind
Reminds me of those faded days
Love existed only where I'm blind

You've brought to life 
The dreams inside me
Given me back some meaning
This precious gift of living life
With purpose and in freedom

Meeting you
I met the sunrise
Meeting you
I own the moon
Meeting you
Truth came in disguise
Meeting you
Healed my deepest wounds

All our years, they go so fast
As we grow into each other
Grow into this beautiful thing
Between best of friends and lovers

I close my eyes and breathe your smile
And it lifts my spirits high
It's in this moment that I know
this love will never die

Meeting you
I met the sunrise
Meeting you
Truth shined through your eyes
Meeting you
My dusty dreams came true
Meeting you
I own the moon

philbee

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« Reply #7 on: June 12, 2018, 03:05:48 AM »
Great - the chorus feels strong now.

Jenna

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« Reply #8 on: June 13, 2018, 11:26:45 PM »
The latest rewrite to touch up the imagery and prosody.

Smooth as birds soar
through the trees and
Soft as wind on
Whispering leaves
Caresses warm as spring breeze
Thawing icy mountain streams

Tingles overwhelm my knees
Weaken me to the core
With all this bliss surrounding me
I could never want for more

Meeting you
I met the sunrise
Holding you
heals my deepest wounds
Loving you
I crash into the skies
Wrapped up with you
I own the moon

Reflecting on old memories
Inside my weary mind
Reminds me of cold faded days
Love lived where I was blind

Awakening dead dreams inside
Gifting life with meaning
We walk this road hand in hand
With purpose and in freedom

Meeting you
I met the sunrise
Holding you
Heals my deepest wounds
Loving You
I crash into the sky
Wrapped in your arms
I own the moon

Winding years sail so fast
Braving life together
Our love bursting tight-sewn seams
Between best of friends and lovers

Closing my eyes I breathe your smile
My heart takes wing and flies
Hypnotic and enchanting
Our love will never die

Meeting you
I met the sunrise
Holding you
heals my deepest wounds
Loving you
I crash into the sky
Wrapped up in you
I own the moon

Loving you
My heart takes wing and flies
Loving you
I own the moon
« Last Edit: June 13, 2018, 11:39:33 PM by Jenna »

Paulski

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« Reply #9 on: June 14, 2018, 12:11:35 AM »
Really good!
But now you need to rename it "I Own the Moon" which is a better title anyway  :D

adamfarr

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« Reply #10 on: June 14, 2018, 12:11:51 PM »
It's cool and I think the tweaks have really brought it along. The only thing that really caught my eye was "my heart takes wing and flies... our love will never die" - little bit overused I think and a shame when you have found new ways all through the rest.


How about some Moon related references, e.g. my heart lands in Tranquility... our love lives in Serenity... (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_maria_on_the_Moon)


Just a thought...

Jenna

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« Reply #11 on: June 14, 2018, 09:10:02 PM »
Great suggestions. My biggest worry is that the melody is going to sound cliche. I'll work on the lines in questions. It's in my DAW titled I own the moon. I like that title better, too.

I see so many ways to rewrite it's clogging the mind:

Closing my eyes I breathe your smile
My heart sings lullabies
Hypnotic and enchanting
A love that purifies

 or
My rocket heart flames bright
  or
My heart just liquifies
 or
I see dancing dragonflies
 or
this love song amplifies
 or

unifies, intensifies, solidifies

Decisions, decisions. I must be indecisive today. Maybe not a good day to put my mind to this task.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2018, 09:45:05 PM by Jenna »

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #12 on: June 14, 2018, 09:43:21 PM »
No big long detailed crit here, I'm afraid. This is lovely. Beautiful images painted with words. I agree with all the changes so far, and I think it's wonderful. I can't wait to hear it.

Vicki

Jenna

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« Reply #13 on: June 14, 2018, 09:47:26 PM »
No big long detailed crit here, I'm afraid. This is lovely. Beautiful images painted with words. I agree with all the changes so far, and I think it's wonderful. I can't wait to hear it.

Vicki


<3 Thank you, doll. I can't wait to get through this part and put it to music.

I think I'm going to go with "my heart sings lullabies" and "dancing dragonflies." They seem to fit the rest of the song best. The heart singing lullabies might not be so unique, but I like how it fits the rest of that verse.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2018, 09:55:55 PM by Jenna »

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #14 on: June 22, 2018, 01:54:02 AM »
Could it be I've got Alzheimers?   I'd have sworn that I already responded to this lyric and you wondered if I could do a sample vocal melody???? 

Maybe I accidentally hit delete instead of modify??? 
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.