[Jenna]

I may need to break it into two songs, and I"m searching for a hook or something with an impact to tie it together:

What are you made of?

What are you made of in the middle?
Do you spend your life chasing just a little?
Does that fire that's inside you
Give you one wild ride
Or do you snuff it out with a little tipple?

It doesn't get any clearer
Your problem child is your mirror
The one that you hide
Reflects the shame that's inside you
And you crush that glass whenever it's near.

Why don't you let it go
It's all just for show
Your grip is so tight
That's it's clouding your sight
When you see the light then you'll know

What are you made of at the bottom?
What leads you to bloom into blossom?
Can you keep your head down
Letting the world fall around you
And rebuild a new mansion through the problems?

It doesn't get any clearer
Your problem child is your mirror
The one that you hide
Carries the shame that's inside you
And you paint it up with another smear

Why can't you let it go
It's all just for show
Your grip is so tight
That's it's clouding your sight
When you see the light then you'll know

What are you made of at the top end?
Do you sneer at the others and
Condemn them?
Or can you reach out your hand
Take time to understand
And be a beacon of light worth defending?

It doesn't get any clearer
Your problem child is your mirror
Maybe it's time to decide
Who bears the shame that's inside you
Free the victims you've made with your veneer.

It's time to let it go
It's all just for show
Your grip is so tight
That's it's clouding your sight
When you see the light then you'll know

[MichaelA]

I think it works as one song for sure, the verses and choruses are very clearly delineated.

Without hearing the potential musical treatment, all I would say is that the choruses seem to be very short compared to the more wordy and longer verses. So if I was given these lyrics, then I would try to make the chorus more sustained and kind of anthemic, or else you might lose the balance between narrative verses and killer hook choruses.

Just a thought, although of course you may have already nailed it! 

[GTB]

It’s a very thought provoking set of lyrics and if I’d written it I’d be loathe to remove any to make it shorter - I’m guessing that’s why you’re considering making it 2 songs.

For me it belongs together in one song so I would shorten it by other means. It looks like v pc c v pc c v pc c so could you compress the prechorus and chorus into a repeated chorus plus maybe a bridge? You may find a hook doing that too.
Ha, easy for me to say, not easy to do though!
G

[Jenna]

At 120 bpm it's coming out to around the magical 3 minute mark with this version.

What are you made of in the middle?
Do you spend your life chasing just a little?
Does that passion inside you  (alternate: Does that fire inside you burn the pages your write)
Take you on wild rides
Or do you snuff it out with a little tipple?

It's not going to get any clearer
Your problem child is your mirror
The one that you hide
Reflects the shame that's inside you
You grind that glass whenever it's near.

Let it go
It's all for show

Your grip is so tight
That's it's clouding your sight
When you finally let go,
then you'll know,

(break down to rhythm only)
I was right
I was right.

What are you made of at the bottom?
Does your bloom ever grow into a blossom?
Can you keep your head down
Letting the world fall around you
And rebuild a new mansion through the problems?

It's not going to get any clearer
Your problem child is your mirror
The one that you hide
Carries the blame that's inside you
Don't paint it up with another smear

Let it go
It's all for show
Your grip is so tight
That's it's clouding your sight
When you finally let go then you'll know

(rhythm only)
I am right.
I am right.

What are you made of at the top end?
Do you sneer at the others and
Condemn them?
Or can you reach out your hand
Take time to understand
And be a beacon of light worth defending?

It's not going to get any clearer
Your problem child is your mirror
Maybe it's time to decide
Who bears the blame that's inside you
Free the victims you've made with veneer.

Let it go
It's all for show
Your grip is so tight
That's it's blocking your sight
When you see the light then you'll know

(rhythm only)
I'm alright.
I was right.
Good bye.

I'm thinking of doing this up in an electronic pop style with a thumping beat that makes you want to dance.

[Jenna]

I think it works as one song for sure, the verses and choruses are very clearly delineated.

Without hearing the potential musical treatment, all I would say is that the choruses seem to be very short compared to the more wordy and longer verses. So if I was given these lyrics, then I would try to make the chorus more sustained and kind of anthemic, or else you might lose the balance between narrative verses and killer hook choruses.

Just a thought, although of course you may have already nailed it! 

Ok. Thank you. I've added some more to break it up and get some variation in the rhythm and melody.

[Jenna]

It’s a very thought provoking set of lyrics and if I’d written it I’d be loathe to remove any to make it shorter - I’m guessing that’s why you’re considering making it 2 songs.

For me it belongs together in one song so I would shorten it by other means. It looks like v pc c v pc c v pc c so could you compress the prechorus and chorus into a repeated chorus plus maybe a bridge? You may find a hook doing that too.
Ha, easy for me to say, not easy to do though!
G

Ok. It would be incredibly hard to remove or condense anything, plus you're right, I am loathe to remove anything. Thank you for the input. I ended up adding more! lol Put to a fast tempo it doesn't run too long, thankfully.

[hardtwistmusic]

My first thought reading your lyric is that you have a GREAT beginning for the hook you seek.  You're line "You're problem child is your mirror" is (to my ears) an incredible begging for a hook. 

Makes me think of a song My internet acquaintance, Rivers Rutherford helped write for Chely Wright called "Shut up and drive." 

He writes "Shut up and drive   ---  Don't look in the mirror"  You might listen to that lyric for some idea where than can go.  But with or without that inspiration, your mirror reference is fascinating and ripe with possibilities.  It's easily (to my ears)  the single most interesting and meaningful line in the lyric.

[CaliaMoko]

I have a couple thoughts, based on my own opinions, biases, and past experiences...that may or may not work for you. See what you think.

It's not going to get any clearer
Your problem child is your mirror
The one that you hide

Can you get by without the "that"? "The one you hide"

Reflects the shame that's inside you

And again here, could you get by without the "that's"? "Reflects the shame inside you" or "Reflects the shame inside of you" ??

Your grip is so tight
That's it's clouding your sight

Also here: "Your grip is so tight / It's clouding your sight"

When you finally let go,
then you'll know,

Or..."When you finally let go, / You will know"

What are you made of at the bottom?
Does your bloom ever grow into a blossom?

I think a "bloom" is a blossom, isn't it? How about "Does your bud ever grow..." Or maybe "Will your bud ever grow..."

And rebuild a new mansion through the problems?

I'm sure not everyone agrees with me, but I think semantics are important. Here, "rebuild" implies the result will not be "new" but the original rebuilt. In other words, I would either "rebuild the [original] mansion" or "build a new mansion"

Don't paint it up with another smear

I think this could be stronger somehow. I'm not sure. I think you're saying "Don't hide [something] by smearing paint over it", right? If yes, maybe something about a coat of paint won't make it disappear...I don't know. I might be misunderstanding it....

Hopefully, (sorry, bad grammar) you'll find something helpful here.

Vicki

[Jenna]

Vickie, you're so right. I do have a problem with 'that.' I'm trying to look at it as a placeholder for something more concrete and descriptive. Thank you so much for you suggestions. I'm very forgiving of bad grammar because of my abysmal punctuation. Wait a minute, where's the bad grammar? lol I hadn't noticed! And thank you for bringing my attention back to this song. It's been sitting on the sidelines for a couple of weeks now while I worked on other projects. Truth is, I wrote about seven songs last week that now beg for my attention. I'd completely forgotten I posted this one.

As for the bloom, I was using it as a verb, as the blossom blooms. Maybe it's confusing or redundant. I'll cycle it through a few times later when my head clears up. It was beastly hot here yesterday while we were attending an outdoor concert. It's left me feeling a bit drained and foggy. Hot summer days are my arch nemesis. They turn me into a jumbled puddle of goo.

[Jenna]

My first thought reading your lyric is that you have a GREAT beginning for the hook you seek.  You're line "You're problem child is your mirror" is (to my ears) an incredible begging for a hook. 

Makes me think of a song My internet acquaintance, Rivers Rutherford helped write for Chely Wright called "Shut up and drive." 

He writes "Shut up and drive   ---  Don't look in the mirror"  You might listen to that lyric for some idea where than can go.  But with or without that inspiration, your mirror reference is fascinating and ripe with possibilities.  It's easily (to my ears)  the single most interesting and meaningful line in the lyric.

You're a dear, Verlon. You know someone who helped write Shut up and Drive? How did that come about? Small world. I just listened to that song recently. Thanks for the suggestion. I'll certainly give it a listen/read and see what I can glean from it.

[CaliaMoko]

Regarding my "bad grammar"...the word "hopefully" is an adverb. That means wherever it is used, the phrase "in a hopeful manner" could somehow be substituted. Like "Hopefully, he eyed the pie." Which does not mean "I hope he eyed the pie." It means he eyed the pie in a hopeful manner.

"Hopefully" does not mean "I hope", but most people use it as if it did. And so did I; thus the reference to bad grammar.

[Jenna]

Regarding my "bad grammar"...the word "hopefully" is an adverb. That means wherever it is used, the phrase "in a hopeful manner" could somehow be substituted. Like "Hopefully, he eyed the pie." Which does not mean "I hope he eyed the pie." It means he eyed the pie in a hopeful manner.

"Hopefully" does not mean "I hope", but most people use it as if it did. And so did I; thus the reference to bad grammar.

Krikey, I use it that way all of the time and had no idea it was bad grammar. The day is never complete, unless someone has schooled your linguistic deceit.