[francisandthefox]

Hey all, I've been working on this track for about a week now... I'd like some feedback on melody and lyrics since I'm not 100% convinced, I do like the production though which I could use again for some other idea.

Here's the link:

https://soundcloud.com/francis_bean/my-sweetheart-back-in-kansas/s-W9LjF

and lyrics:

It's been so long since I've been home
crossing half the country on my own
when behind the clouds I see the rainbow
I dream about my sweetheart back in Denver

I spent my whole life beneath an Oak tree
singing all those songs about the hippies
sometimes when I forget the good old days
I dream about my sweetheart back in L.A

The dead of night gives me no relief
can they move on without me
the dead of night only drives me crazy
who knows if they're still waiting?

Pumpkins, Halloween and the country show
I always win the last prize or get drunk
When I lose track of where I'm going
I dream about my sweetheart in Wyoming

Now I have a home south of Texas
I wish I wasn't living all alone
I wonder if I'm wasting all my time
still thinking bout my sweetheart back in Kansas.

The dead of night gives me no relief
can they move on without me
the dead of night only drives me crazy
who knows if they're still waiting?

I'm spending my last days in Boston
trying to give this life a meaning
When I lock back there's too much fog
I'm missing my family down in Houston

I can hear the reaper call my name,
he's trying to haunt me for the past

[philbee]

Hi - I'm an newcomer here, so if the following comments don't resonate with you, it could be because I don't know what I'm talking about. Anyhow here goes:

1. When listening through a song with 6 verses, the melody gets stale pretty quickly when the 1st & 3rd lines are identical, and the 2nd & 4th lines are identical. Now I know that there have been songs in the past that have done this successfully, but the melody has been especially engaging. So you might reconsider the overall melody of those 4 lines if it's going to be repeated over 6 verses.

2. The backing arrangement of the verses fits the lyric content so that aspect is fine, but I think you might consider dropping that approach in the Bridge (The dead of night.....). It feels like it needs a greater change from the verses both melodically and in the arrangement.

I like the idea of dreaming about past sweethearts in different geographies, but still winding up all alone at the end of life. It's a song of transience and drifting without stating, "I'm a drifter......."

I hope this is useful, but don't take it too seriously because I may be wrong.

[francisandthefox]

Hey philbee! that's some really great feedback.

I'll try to work on changing the melodic lines throughout the song so that they are more compelling and engaging because I do agree that they sound quite stale after 6 verses.

What are your suggestions for the bridge? should I change instrumentation or perhaps change chord progression?

Thanks

[philbee]

I'm glad that's been of some help.

In answer to your question about the Bridge, I think in the bridge you need to move away from the multiple note patterns that you have in the verse arrangement. You might play with the chord progression and you might play around with the bridge melody - whatever it takes to create some contrast between the verses and bridge.

[katiewilson1]

Nice enough song- nice melody- I thought you sung it quite well - I like so harmonising and the backing singers .

I think it could be better produced if that's the right word , well not produced but to me your voice seems to be in the background / far away ( maybe that's to do with the microphone , I'd like s more equal balance between the music and your voice to give it more clarity but what do I know I think its got a lot of potential .

Maybe lose a verse have a bit of a riff to break things up ?