[Davino]

"Eyes Full Of Stars 2"

And in the morning's mist, we alight
grasping at the dreams that linger of last night
a melody, a phrase
the passing of a phase
the twinkle of iron bells
a memory that sells itself to me, with intensity
But I can't recreate a dream
nor conjure up a brief flash of recognition from afar
when all things related feel complete
I tried to run once but just kept tripping on my feet.

Nothing but time on our hands to reflect
the changes and ranges of the road we travel
making every morning seem fresh
and new
the bond between us is strengthening
minute by minute
hour by hour
treat our love as a work in progress
poised on the verge of success
don't stop swimming in waters so deep
never cast away, go astray
or treat a true treasure like you and our love in bloom
just gotta stay alive and make it to another day.

We got our eyes full of stars
So, open your eyes and your ears
keep your eyes full of stars
like a child on Christmas
treat each hour like a subtle flower,
each day should be like a gift from above,
The light shines for me and you
Making us glow in the dark
Giving us that vital spark
We got our eyes full of stars

Mornings alight
The dreams linger of last night
a melody, a phrase
the passing of a phase
the sunlit majesty
a time to align for you and me
with integrity

That's when we come to life
forget all the trouble and strife
we'll find a new way
we'll climb the stairway
that leads to the freshly dawning day

We have eyes full of stars
and pure wonder,
curiosity is the key
to the right path for you and me
we disregard nothing, for therein lies a lesson in all that we seek
together we will flourish

wherever we are
we keep our eyes full of stars...

Copyright 2016 David Venturella
Revised 5/18/18

[nectar]

This is interesting, but it reads more like poetry than a song.

[Davino]

Do you have any suggestions on how I can craft it into a song?

[CaliaMoko]

In answer to the question about how to craft it into a song...

I don't think it would take a lot of work, really. My recommendation would be to identify and define your verses and a chorus. And maybe a bridge. I can easily get the first section (I'm thinking of it as a verse) to flow into a verse of a song with very few changes.

Then your next set of lines looks like it could be your verse 2, if you rework it as needed so it is rhythmically the same, or pretty close to the same, as verse 1, and can be sung to the same melody as verse 1.

Then decide on a chorus using your "Eyes Full of Stars" hook line. Maybe you could use the third set of lines you have there.

Next you have two short sets of lines. Maybe they could go together and become a third verse? Or maybe you could make a bridge there and finish with another round of the chorus. The chorus doesn't have to have the same words each time, but it should have the same melody, which should contrast somewhat with the verses.

Anyway, some ideas you can take if they do you any good, or discard if they don't.

Vicki

PS: I forgot to mention--I like the words.

[Davino]

Thanks so much, Vicki!!!
If you could easily "chop" the lyrics into a verse/chorus/bridge configuration, I would really appreciate it!!!

This is how the original song(before I just rewrote it), went:

"Eyes Full Of Stars"

Mornings Alight
The dreams linger of last night
a melody, a phrase
the passing of a phase
the twinkle of iron bells
a memory that sells
itself to me, with intensity

a time to reflect
a wealth of beauty derelict
a simple twist of new
that went from me to you
giving us a telescopic view

we got eyes full of stars
reflected in the passing cars
On the highways and byways
The headlights and red lights
telling us to stop or go
Controlling us so

we got eyes full of stars
reflected in the boulevards
On the houses and avenues
Their light shines for me and you
Making us glow in the dark
Giving us that vital spark
We got eyes full of stars

Mornings alight
The dreams linger of last night
a melody, a phrase
the passing of a phase
the sunlight majesty
a time to align for you and me
with integrity

That's when we come to life
forget all the trouble and strife
we'll find a new way
we'll climb the stairway
that leads to the freshly dawning day

we got eyes full of stars
reflected in the speeding cars
On the highways and byways
The headlights and red lights
telling us to stop or go
Controlling us so

we got eyes full of stars
reflected in the boulevards
On the houses and avenues
Their light shines for me and you
Making us glow in the dark
Giving us that vital spark
We got eyes full of stars

Wherever we are
and whatever we do
We know we'll have our eyes full of stars

Copyright 2016 David Venturella

[CaliaMoko]

I can tell you quickly what I would do with the first verse:

VERSE 1
And in the morning's mist, we alight
grasping at the dreams that linger of last from the night
a melody, a phrase
the passing of a phase
the twinkle of iron bells
a memory that sells itself to me, with intensity
But I can't recreate a dream
nor conjure up a brief flash of recognition from afar
when all things related feel complete
Once I tried to run once but just kept tripping on my feet.

and less quickly with the second verse (I actually would spend more time on this and make it better....this is just done quickly to get the lines into a rhythm that will work with the same melody as the first verse):

VERSE 2
Nothing but time on our hands We have endless time to reflect
the changes and ranges of the road we travel
making every morning seem fresh
No matter where we travel, every morning we're refreshed
and new
the bond between us is strengthening
Our bond is new and strong
Nothing can go wrong
minute by minute
hour by hour
Our love will grow and fill the world with song, as we travel on
treat our love as a work in progress
Like the tide, our love will ebb and flow
We'll dive into deep water, let the currents come and go
poised on the verge of success
don't stop swimming in waters so deep
never cast away, go astray
or treat a true treasure like you and our love in bloom
just gotta stay alive and make it to another day.

Okay, I don't think the second verse, in particular, is very good as I've edited it, but it gives you the rhythm you need in order to match verse 1. Of course, you can change the rhythms of both of verses, to make it say more what you have in mind. I mostly just tried to get the rhythms right and have a consistent rhyme scheme from one verse to the next, to make it an example.

For the CHORUS, you could use what you have here:
we got eyes full of stars
reflected in the boulevards
On the houses and avenues
Their light shines for me and you
Making us glow in the dark
Giving us that vital spark
We got eyes full of stars

Except, I suggest simplifying it a little. Maybe like:
Our eyes, so full of stars
Reflect the boulevards
We're glowing in the dark
With a vital spark
Our eyes are full of stars.

Or something like that.

And then maybe you could pull something together from the rest of the ideas you have to make a third verse or a bridge to sing before going back to the chorus.

I'm sorry this isn't more in depth, but I'm really short of time these days. I'm hoping to get on a more even keel in a month or two. Things are looking promising (although I thought that once or twice already, so I make no assumptions).

Best of luck with it. I hope you can find something helpful here.

Vicki

[Davino]

Thanks, Vicki!!! I'm gonna remove the whole second verse and really hone this down, much appreciated!!!

[nectar]

I'm not a massively experienced songwriter, so other people may come in and disagree, but..

One of the important things to remember with a song is that the verses will typically be sung to the same melody and rhythm, so the pattern of stressed syllables should be the same across the verses. Same for the choruses, but the melody and stress pattern for the chorus will be different from the verse (but the same each time). I think it's OK to add or remove an unstressed syllable here and there, but the stressed syllables should remain the same (other people may have different ideas).

In some ways song-writing is more constrained than poetry, because once you have the first verse or chorus you need to fit the subsequent ones to it.

[Davino]

Thanks, Busker! Very informative.

[hardtwistmusic]

I loved the wordplay.   

Also, I wouldn't be in too big a hurry to cut this down.  It seemed long, but it IS important to tell a full story. 

I think the key to getting the best use and value from this forum lies in slowly, deliberately, and (almost) reluctantly taking advice.  Consider all advice.  But consider it all long and hard before taking it. 

You've received what I consider great advice already.  DO label your chorus and bridges as Vicki suggested.  DO standardize the verses, but (in my opinion) do not get all excited about standardizing the flow of the verses. 

But (and most importantly) DO make sure this remains your song. 

Hope that helps.   

[Davino]

Thanks very much for taking the time to look at this song!!! Here is a video for the un-revised "Eyes Full Of Stars"

Here are the original lyrics:

 "Eyes full of stars"
Mornings Alight
The dreams linger of last night
a melody, a phrase
the passing of a phase
the twinkle of iron bells
a memory that sells
itself to me with intensity

a time to reflect
a wealth of beauty derelict
a simple twist of new
that went from me to you
giving us a telescopic view

we got eyes full of stars
reflected in the passing cars
On the highways and byways
The headlights and red lights
telling us to stop or go
Controlling us so

we got eyes full of stars
reflected in the boulevards
On the houses and avenues
Their light shines for me and you
Making us glow in the dark
Giving us that vital spark
We got eyes full of stars

Mornings alight
The dreams linger of last night
a melody, a phrase
the passing of a phase
the sunlight majesty
a time to align for you and me
with integrity

That's when we come to life
forget all the trouble and strife
we'll find a new way
we'll climb the stairway
that leads to the freshly dawning day

we got eyes full of stars
reflected in the speeding cars
On the highways and byways
The headlights and red lights
telling us to stop or go
Controlling us so

we got eyes full of stars
reflected in the boulevards
On the houses and avenues
Their light shines for me and you
Making us glow in the dark
Giving us that vital spark
We got eyes full of stars

Wherever we are
and whatever we do
We know we'll have our eyes full of stars