Need a little help on a direction for a lyric.

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Davino

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« Reply #15 on: June 16, 2018, 06:36:24 PM »
Also, there is a Grateful Dead tune called "Victim or the Crime" that has this lyric: "these are the horns of the dilemma."

Here it is, maybe it will inspire you at least a bit!!!



"Victim or the Crime"

Patience runs out on the junkie
The dark side hires another soul
Did he steal his fate or earn it?
Was he force fed, did he learn it?
Whatever happened to his precious self control?

Like him, I'm tired of try'n to heal
This tomcat heart with which I'm blessed
Is destruction lovings twin?
May I chose to lose or win?
Maybe when my turn comes I will have guessed.

These are the horns of the dilemma
What truth this proof against all lies?
When sacred fails before profane
The wisest man is deemed insane
Even the purest of romantics compromise.

What fixation feeds this fever?
As the full moon pales and climbs
Am I living truth or rank deceiver?
Am I the victim or the crime?
Am I the victim or the crime?
Am I the victim or the crime, or the crime?

And so I wrestle with the angel
To see who'll reap the seeds I sow
Am I the driver or the driven?
Will I be damned to be forgiven?
Is there anybody here but me who needs to know?

What it is that feeds this fever
As the full moon pales and climbs
Am I living truth or rank deceiver?
Am I the victim or the crime?
Am I the victim or the crime?
Am I the victim or the crime, or the crime?

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #16 on: June 20, 2018, 06:45:18 AM »
I don't hear an intimate connection between the speaker and the receiver, so this may not be what you have in mind, but my first thought was he could threaten to walk out the door and leave her as a consequence. Maybe a last warning sort of thing.

Thanks for taking an interest.   I'm now leaning toward giving the female character a voice and some lines as per suggestions here.

Either that or something that conveys the depth of their relationships. What are they? Lifelong friends? Lovers? Acquaintances? Family? I need those details to get the big picture, being a tad on the dense side when it comes to inferences.
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Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #17 on: June 20, 2018, 07:25:10 AM »
  JEMMA WROTE: 

Either that or something that conveys the depth of their relationships. What are they? Lifelong friends? Lovers? Acquaintances? Family? I need those details to get the big picture, being a tad on the dense side when it comes to inferences.
[/quote]

She's a total stranger who flirted with him to distract him while her friends tried to pick his pocket.  She's a grifter/con person.   Their relationship is as simple as that.  He just doesn't want to either let her go, or call the cops because of some "code of conduct" issues. 

He's a tough guy with no use for the police.  He probably spends a fair amount of his time on the boundaries between legality and criminality himself. . . thus his exceptional command of physical violence and the distorted sense of honor that won't allow him to call the cops. 

I was hoping all that came through. . . but it clearly did not. 

Still a little work to do.  BTW... I added three more partial verses. 
« Last Edit: June 21, 2018, 07:16:13 AM by hardtwistmusic »
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hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #18 on: June 21, 2018, 07:01:48 AM »


Either that or something that conveys the depth of their relationships. What are they? Lifelong friends? Lovers? Acquaintances? Family? I need those details to get the big picture, being a tad on the dense side when it comes to inferences.
[/quote]

She's a total stranger who flirted with him and suggested a sexual interest to distract her while her accomplices literally picked his pocket.  She's just part of a low level con.  The sum total of his knowledge of her is that she tried unsuccessfully to help con him.  She's a grifter who makes her living off scams and cons. 

His dilemma lies in the fact that he has her in a sort of "custody" and doesn't want to keep her or let her go.  In addition, his own odd aversion to "cops" and his strange set of values suggests someone who lives right near (or over) the boundary between criminal and legit activities. 

He's tough, street smart (and thus hard to con or steal from) and quite accomplished at physical violence. 

I had hoped much of that came through the lyric as I had it, but it's clearly not communicated as well as I'd have liked. 

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Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

Jenna

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« Reply #19 on: July 10, 2018, 09:15:14 PM »


Either that or something that conveys the depth of their relationships. What are they? Lifelong friends? Lovers? Acquaintances? Family? I need those details to get the big picture, being a tad on the dense side when it comes to inferences.

She's a total stranger who flirted with him and suggested a sexual interest to distract her while her accomplices literally picked his pocket.  She's just part of a low level con.  The sum total of his knowledge of her is that she tried unsuccessfully to help con him.  She's a grifter who makes her living off scams and cons. 

His dilemma lies in the fact that he has her in a sort of "custody" and doesn't want to keep her or let her go.  In addition, his own odd aversion to "cops" and his strange set of values suggests someone who lives right near (or over) the boundary between criminal and legit activities. 

He's tough, street smart (and thus hard to con or steal from) and quite accomplished at physical violence. 

I had hoped much of that came through the lyric as I had it, but it's clearly not communicated as well as I'd have liked.
[/quote]

Oh wow. That's incredibly complex to communicate in a song lyric. You've done well so far. There are many options for imagery to convey those details.

Tough and street smart makes me think of leather, chains, fists, grit, hard and chiseled facial features, packing heat, etc.

A stranger flirting makes me think of hot and wild, distractedness, inattentiveness due to some eye-catching beauty employing seductive behavior. Steamy glances. Winking cat eyes. Hair flips. Voluptuous lips and bosoms. Beads of sweat and suggestive, undulating hips.

Con artists and street cons make me think of slippery characters, greasers, polished in the art of deception, grace and poise burying hidden agendas. Urban camouflage and men wearing heavily pocketed attire, hiding their eyes with reflective sunglasses.

Someone not interested in involving police but delivering street justice is a vigilante Sons of Anarchy type who sport shaved heads, goatees and skull tattoos. 

I'm just throwing out what comes to mind as I read through your more detailed account of the story line. Not sure if any of it helps, but maybe there's something in there you can use to build the imagery you're after. Good luck!

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #20 on: July 15, 2018, 05:57:45 PM »

Oh wow. That's incredibly complex to communicate in a song lyric. You've done well so far. There are many options for imagery to convey those details.

Tough and street smart makes me think of leather, chains, fists, grit, hard and chiseled facial features, packing heat, etc.

A stranger flirting makes me think of hot and wild, distractedness, inattentiveness due to some eye-catching beauty employing seductive behavior. Steamy glances. Winking cat eyes. Hair flips. Voluptuous lips and bosoms. Beads of sweat and suggestive, undulating hips.

Con artists and street cons make me think of slippery characters, greasers, polished in the art of deception, grace and poise burying hidden agendas. Urban camouflage and men wearing heavily pocketed attire, hiding their eyes with reflective sunglasses.

Someone not interested in involving police but delivering street justice is a vigilante Sons of Anarchy type who sport shaved heads, goatees and skull tattoos. 

I'm just throwing out what comes to mind as I read through your more detailed account of the story line. Not sure if any of it helps, but maybe there's something in there you can use to build the imagery you're after. Good luck!

It IS wayyyyyy complex.  Probably never going to be a song.  It was fun.  I often get over-ambitious on what I want a lyric to convey.   Sometimes it takes years of simmering before I figure out how to simplify the lyric and make it worth continuing.   I'll file this one away for future reference.  Often, the components of "wasted lyrics" like this one become parts of different lyrics that do work.  So it's not always "wasted" even if if doesn't work. 

Thank you so much for the help on this.  As I said, it was really fun working on this one because it was so difficult.
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Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.