Need a little help on a direction for a lyric.

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hardtwistmusic

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« on: May 17, 2018, 05:10:33 PM »
"Horns of a Dilemma"

You pretended to pick up on me,   ---   a stranger in your town. 
But I was on my guard, I saw right through it.   
My Mama didn’t raise no fool,   –-   and I am not a clown. 
Your con job failed cause you don't know how to do it.   

Your job was distracting me,    ---   to keep me occupied,
while your friends picked my    ---   pockets for my money. 
I caught them in the act,     –-   and dealt them misery.
Up til then you thought     ---  the whole damned thing was funny.

I broke three fingers on the hand    ---    I found where it didn’t belong. 
And there are two teeth on the floor    ---   from his accomplice.   
They both "got the Hell out of Dodge"    –-   and left you trapped with me
which leaves me on the horns    –-    of a dilemma.

I’m not one to call the cops,  ---   or to hit a girl you know. 
That isn’t how my mama raised her children. 
But I’m not willing to just let you go,   –   without a consequence 
Your scam revealed a mindset that is chilling.   

I know that what you need    –-    is more than just a talking to. 
But something that you’re certain to remember.   
This isn’t my first rodeo, but this is all new to me. 
I don't want you to be a repeat offender.

FEMALE VOICE: 
Who the hell do you think you are?  How dare you preach at me. 
And no one wants to hear about your mama. 
You talk like you're some big deal, with important things to say. 
But to me it's all just sad pathetic drama. 

You love to hear yourself talk,    --   but I am unimpressed. 
Don't judge me, you're not the Dalai Llama. 
Call the cops, or just let me go,    --  those are the choices that you have. 
Or beat me and I'll just deal with the trauma. 

But don't sit here and bore me to death  --  just choose and then move on. 
It doesn't have to be all complicated. 

MALE VOICE: 
And then she stood up and just walked out.  And I just watched her go. 
Problem solved and dilemma overstated.




So here is the guy's dilemma. . . He can't get violent with her (like he did with her accomplices who tried to pick his pocket) because his internal code of conduct won't allow it.  But he can't just let her go without consequence.  And (again due to the internal code of conduct thing) he won't call the cops and press charges. 

SO WHAT DOES THE POOR GUY DO?????   Can someone find me an appropriate and meaningful act he can perform that will leave an impression on her without violating his code of conduct?  I'm drawing a blank.
« Last Edit: June 25, 2018, 12:06:37 AM by hardtwistmusic »
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Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2018, 06:00:49 PM »
Hey Verlon!

Could he...offer to take her under his wing, pretending he believes she was just misguided? And maybe she falls in love with him and he rejects her??? Seems like a stretch, but all I can think of at the moment.

Wait, or maybe, one of the assailants is her son, and he ends up in jail, and she is devastated and is guilt-ridden because she encouraged him and now he's in jail because of her. And you refuse to accuse her, so she has to stay free while her son is in jail....

Hopefully, someone will come up with something better.

Vicki

Davino

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« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2018, 07:51:16 AM »
I would say he needs to make her need him, THEN jettison her/to the curb....

"you held my heart and pretended to dig me
your duplicitous jive made me hate being alive
you nearly broke my spirit,
now you want to return, I won't hear it..."

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2018, 04:18:02 PM »
Vicki and Davino: 

Thank you both for taking the time to help with this.  I really "wrote myself into a corner" with this one. 
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Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

adamfarr

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« Reply #4 on: June 04, 2018, 08:12:59 PM »
Hey HT, times like this maybe considering a change of point of view could  help. If you told it from her point of view “I was there to distract you, while my friends did their thing, but you caught them and gave them a good beating and now I’m worried that I’m at your mercy but if I appeal to your well raised nature then maybe you’ll spare me”.


Your angle is super interesting but I wonder if hers could be fruitful too - you could leave it with us wondering whether he’d let her go, turn her over to the cops, or do something sinister but invisible to teach her a lesson...

Davino

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« Reply #5 on: June 04, 2018, 08:28:17 PM »
you should sing "what might have been" as a storyline.

Jenna

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« Reply #6 on: June 05, 2018, 02:22:26 AM »
I don't hear an intimate connection between the speaker and the receiver, so this may not be what you have in mind, but my first thought was he could threaten to walk out the door and leave her as a consequence. Maybe a last warning sort of thing.

philbee

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« Reply #7 on: June 05, 2018, 02:52:13 AM »
I know this doesn't answer your question, but I have to say that I'm having trouble with the authenticity of this guy.
First you have him say up front, 'But my Mama didn’t raise no fool,   –-   and I am not a clown.' And then after having been scammed, mugged, disillusioned, and whatever else, he says he doesn't want to let her go without setting her straight. I find it difficult to imagine that somebody would try and awaken someone from behaviour of this kind, rather than walking away from what is most probably an unresolvable situation.

Anyway, there may be people like this character. I've just never come across them - doesn't mean they don't exist.
But good luck with finding a way for this character to sort her out.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2018, 06:27:13 AM by philbee »

diademgrove

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« Reply #8 on: June 12, 2018, 09:39:51 PM »
Hi Verlon,

I haven't been around for a while. My ears were bunged up and I painted instead of playing music.

The first thing that struck me about your lyrics was the difficulty of reading them. It looks like the second part of the line is a Greek chorus and should be sang by backing singers. Also the syllable count isn't consistent and makes it difficult to get a tune in my head. Both things distract me from the meaning of the words.

My tuppence would be to change the first line of the last verse to "I don't know what you need" and finish the verse with "it sure ain't me".

Good luck in finding a solution,

Keith

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #9 on: June 16, 2018, 07:21:41 AM »
you should sing "what might have been" as a storyline.

I love that suggestion.  Thanks to you, (and one other suggestion from here) I might just be unblocked. 
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Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #10 on: June 16, 2018, 07:25:45 AM »
Hey HT, times like this maybe considering a change of point of view could  help. If you told it from her point of view “I was there to distract you, while my friends did their thing, but you caught them and gave them a good beating and now I’m worried that I’m at your mercy but if I appeal to your well raised nature then maybe you’ll spare me”.


Your angle is super interesting but I wonder if hers could be fruitful too - you could leave it with us wondering whether he’d let her go, turn her over to the cops, or do something sinister but invisible to teach her a lesson...

Ahhhhhh.....  A response from the female lead.  THAT really helps.  Don't know if I'll be able to make anything good out of it, but it's an inspired idea.  Thank you so much.  I can at least see a direction "out."    Davino's suggestion about "what might have been" along with yours might get very interesting.
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Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #11 on: June 16, 2018, 07:29:05 AM »
Hi Verlon,

I haven't been around for a while. My ears were bunged up and I painted instead of playing music.

The first thing that struck me about your lyrics was the difficulty of reading them. It looks like the second part of the line is a Greek chorus and should be sang by backing singers. Also the syllable count isn't consistent and makes it difficult to get a tune in my head. Both things distract me from the meaning of the words.

My tuppence would be to change the first line of the last verse to "I don't know what you need" and finish the verse with "it sure ain't me".

Good luck in finding a solution,

Keith

Hi:  Long time no see.   

I can see that this would be difficult to read.  But it's actually got pretty good flow when sung to the vocal melody I've already got for it.  The vocal melody came before the lyric.  Your "I don't know what you need, but I know it sure ain't me," is useful, and I'll probably use it.  Thanks again, and good to see/hear from you again.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2018, 07:31:43 AM by hardtwistmusic »
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Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #12 on: June 16, 2018, 07:33:31 AM »
I don't hear an intimate connection between the speaker and the receiver, so this may not be what you have in mind, but my first thought was he could threaten to walk out the door and leave her as a consequence. Maybe a last warning sort of thing.

Thanks for taking an interest.   I'm now leaning toward giving the female character a voice and some lines as per suggestions here. 
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

Jenna

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« Reply #13 on: June 16, 2018, 05:37:26 PM »
I don't hear an intimate connection between the speaker and the receiver, so this may not be what you have in mind, but my first thought was he could threaten to walk out the door and leave her as a consequence. Maybe a last warning sort of thing.

Thanks for taking an interest.   I'm now leaning toward giving the female character a voice and some lines as per suggestions here.

Either that or something that conveys the depth of their relationships. What are they? Lifelong friends? Lovers? Acquaintances? Family? I need those details to get the big picture, being a tad on the dense side when it comes to inferences.

Davino

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« Reply #14 on: June 16, 2018, 06:17:49 PM »
How about adding these lyrics?:

"I'm not a schoolboy nor a foolish man, I drink in moderation and always have a deep tan,
Since you propelled the game to intensity I looked inside my heart and saw you smiling,
just a fragment of you is so beguiling,
you light me up and then I'm aflame,
I love it when you shout out my name,
even in anger, I can still catch a thrill,
joy overcomes me, I've taken our proverbial love pill, again
I hope to roll the clock back and retry our love,
just simmer down and we'll take it slow
treat me gently and our love will reignite,
there is always room to grow
I remember when hope eluded us, and those days have passed
I just want you near, within my grasp
let's do it, baby, let's do it again
I feel for you, always, we won't relive the past or spin headlong into a twisted disaster,
stick with me, I forgive you, our love is surely built to last...
« Last Edit: June 16, 2018, 06:28:39 PM by Davino »