Since you mention you have a melody, I'm curious as to why you don't post this as a song in progress? I know I would find it quite helpful, as I often can't imagine how other people's words would work with a melody.
And, by the way, I really appreciate how you've jumped into forum activity with both feet. You're an asset to our community!
I've read through your lyric a couple times and have a couple thoughts which may or may not be useful or helpful.
1. The theme is unstable (I've noticed most songs seem to have unstable themes, so that's not unusual). Your verses have five irregular lines each. Perfect for an unstable theme.
2. The rhymes are sometimes perfect, sometimes not. I think enough of them are imperfect to be good support for an unstable theme.
3. You have a LOT of bridges in this. I find that very unusual and am not sure what I think about it. Since it's so unexpected, you could make a case for it being strong support for the unstable theme. I haven't heard of such a technique, but there's a lot I don't know.
4. You have written your chorus in 7 lines, but I would interpret it as 5 lines, like this:
To look beyond your lying eyes
That haunt my dreams still in the night
You can't go on believing I
Would still believe your lying eyes
That's foolish pride...
Either way, it, again, supports the unstable theme, although the first four lines feel very stable to me. The fifth line introduces the unstable feel.
5. First bridge, last line: But to turn and walk away". I would change this to "But turn and walk away" to make it correct grammatically. If you need the syllables, you could use "I just turned and walked away", or something like that.
That's all I see in the brief time I had to spend on this.
Again, I've been enjoying your contributions to the forum, although I seldom comment these days. That may improve by the end of the year. Maybe.
