[Jenna]

tender heart in a barbed wire world

caught up in a downhill swirl

aching for friend to pull me through



choking back words better left unsaid

endlessly orbiting in my head

waiting for a ray of light for something new



can i have just a little love

can i have just a little smile

can i have just a little hope

for just a little while



This world is empty and gray

I swear I can't go on this way

Can't someone come by and just say, hey.



I'm so tired of being alone

like a dog without a home

Feeling like I'm too far gone

To keep moving on.



can i have just a little love

can i have just a little smile

can i have just a little hope

for just a little while



this life is filled with pain

i swear i can't go on this way

won't somebody stop by or reach out to say, hey

[Oldbutyet]

First of all good to have you back Jenna 

Your first two verses are three liners i'm getting thoughts maybe you have a musician flow with thoughts, I like your four line chorus.

Just a little love, understanding, I think the listener might take time to listen to this, nice one 

[Vintage54]

   Hi Jenna,
      Really like this, the opening line grabbed my attention and made me want to continue. I wasn't disappointed, such a good write. I like the thee line verse format and the four line chorus. It has an emotional quality that transfers to the reader (this one at least) and makes you feel the loneliness of the speaker. That's what a song should do, and in that respect, this is a winner.

                                    Thumbs up
                                        Vintage54

                                   

[Jenna]

Thank you, Pat. It's good to be back.  I was hearing music with this one. Can you hear it?

Vintage, I'm really glad to hear you liked it. Do you think I ought to cut the other verses to three lines as well?

[Vintage54]

  Hello again Jenna,

         No, i wouldn't change a thing. Be proud of what you've written and move on to the next one.

                                                      Vintage54

[Davino]

very nice!!

[nectar]

I like this. The 'little love../little smile../little hope../little while' choruses are great, and you make some unexpected word choices (e.g. 'downhill swirl' and 'dog without a home') which are interesting.

The part that I think works the least is the second verse (the 'choking back words better left unsaid'), because it's not entirely clear who you're saying/not saying these words to and what they're about, and you don't reference this conversation or person that you're speaking to later in the song, so it's like you're introducing a conversation with a new character for a couple of lines and then discarding it.

Anyway, I like it.

[CaliaMoko]

Yes, I can hear the music. In fact, I was hearing it so clearly, I had to write some of it down.

I really like the three line verses, they provide firm support for the unstable theme. And I also like the idea of adjusting all the verses to the three lines. In fact, it wouldn't take very much work to do it. For instance,

This world is empty and gray
I swear I can't go on this way
Can't someone come by my place and just say, Hey

I think at least one four-line verse will already work, just as it is, if you want to move to 3-line verses throughout.

The images painted by the lyrics come to me vividly. I like it a lot.

Vicki

[Jenna]

Love your suggestion, Vicki. Thanks.  I'm going to change it up to include them.   I'm always open to a collab if you're interested.

[Jenna]

I like this. The 'little love../little smile../little hope../little while' choruses are great, and you make some unexpected word choices (e.g. 'downhill swirl' and 'dog without a home') which are interesting.

The part that I think works the least is the second verse (the 'choking back words better left unsaid'), because it's not entirely clear who you're saying/not saying these words to and what they're about, and you don't reference this conversation or person that you're speaking to later in the song, so it's like you're introducing a conversation with a new character for a couple of lines and then discarding it.

Anyway, I like it.

Thanks. I think I'll keep the mystery and leave it open to interpretation.

@ Davino. Thank you, and for taking the time to read and comment.

[Davino]

sure!

[hardtwistmusic]

Brilliant opening line. 

Wonderfully effective use of wordplay to describe and elicit emotion. 

I could "hear music to it" but probably not the music you could hear.  This lyric wants some really unique music.  Some serious thought should go into making sure it (the musical accompaniment and vocal melody) goes in some unexpected directions. 

[Jenna]

Brilliant opening line. 

Wonderfully effective use of wordplay to describe and elicit emotion. 

I could "hear music to it" but probably not the music you could hear.  This lyric wants some really unique music.  Some serious thought should go into making sure it (the musical accompaniment and vocal melody) goes in some unexpected directions.

Thank you, so much, for your truly wonderful feedback. I've got a few more in the pipeline ahead of it, so will get to it when I can.