[shortwhat]

hiya, gonna leave some mad feedback for people but I figured I'd drop this here first, it's the last song on my debut album and it's about being hopelessly attached to someone but knowing it won't work out, depressi I know but yeah, I'd love some feedback on the lyrics and overall sound of the piece:) thanks! the link is here: http://joshshort.bandcamp.com/track/hopeless-around-you

LYRICS:

hopeless, I'm so hopeless around you
expectant when you're biting your lip like you do
and I can't meet

linger, I watch you linger and ask you not to leave
you contemplate but we both know you've got someplace to be
more important than me

say you'll come back for me
lie if you have to baby
I'll separate myself
choose the parts you like best

I kept my heart strapped to my sleeve
and I travelled far just to see you released
but I won't go on if there's nothing to see

[Katie Wilson]

I found this strangling compelling , it sounded like it was sung with emotion ( most of the best songs are written from personal experiences .

I like the fact that you've got for it and not cared (I don't mean you don't care ) but you've gone for it and for me I like that - even if it means vocally it could be more controlled but what do I know

I just think that it's quite an emotional song xxx

[rightly]

nice song!

I'd have cut back just a little on the lyrics
Stripped them down
but that'd be my style

I think this is very well done
Congratulations.

Reading your name I always do a double take.

[Martinswede]

Nice piece of music!

The music has some slow motion pulse too it that I really like.

The lyrics are a bit direct. They describe well but they don't linger in my mind.

I like your singing.

Martin

[Mikey]

This could be a great song, IMHO I think it would benefit greatly from re-structuring, The last part sounds like a chorus to me, and the 3rd section is a bridge, if you changed the order to

verse 1,
chorus,
verse 2,
chorus,
bridge,
chorus

it would make the song drive along a lot better, the last section is great and would make a great hook.

Just my thoughts, check out the tracks on my youtube link below and take note of the structure, Mikey

[adamfarr]

Yes, this has great potential. I agree that you should have a think about the structure - another idea would be run through as now and then go back to "Say you'll come back" and repeat to the end.


I don't mind that it takes a while to get to the climactic bit - it has a bit of a Radiohead feel and I can hear them doing something similar.


That might mean you need to control the emotion a bit (on the first time around at least).


I did like the lyrics - very angsty and real. The "Say you'll come back section" is especially effective I think.

[MichaelA]

This is a good choice of song for the end of an album, as it sets a ponderous mood, although a bit depressing as you say!  Your singing it with a whole load of angst at the end, contrasting with the more delicate bits earlier. You definitely get across the pain of breaking up and its well composed.

I think I'd just take a bit of the edge tonally or volume wise off those final vocals which kind of jarred slightly for me - but only a minor production issue.

Overall, good job and I'll look out for more of your work! 

[PaulyX]

Nice work... it's rare to hear so much genuine emotion in a song without it sounding contrived (it didn't sound like you were 'acting').
Good indie slow burner.  I've been listening to Car Seat Headrest a fair bit lately and it felt like it shared some DNA with that.  Interesting chords but it's your vocal delivery that really makes it special I'd say.

[SlavaB]

Hi there,

Very quite song with unique vocal. Made me feel like im laying on the field and sunshine just shine on me. Very relaxed and easy to listen. Great effort.

Cheers.
Slava B.

[shortwhat]

thanks a lot for all the feedback! this blew up haha, someone mentioned car seat headrest who are a big influence on me so that's pretty cool! I'll definitely have a look at restructuring this song because I already have another section for it I've been playing at gigs! thanks much xoxoxo

[tboswell]

Great raw feel to the song. I like the direct emotional tone on the lyric, it is definitely convincing.

It all feels like an epilogue to something, like it is summing up what has come before (but I have not heard of course).
it feels musically a little slight on it's own, with the simple and very familiar chords and not much movement.
I do like the chord change right at the end which seems to hint at a moment of "moving on" which is echoed in lyrics for me.

I like it, would like to hear more.

Tom.

[Mutrins]

This song has a lot of potential. Love the music, and the melody. Your voice has a lot of emotion in it as well.

I think the chorus should just be the line "say you'll come back for me". Repeated instead of the other lines.
That line alone speaks volumes and says SO much. And it would be a more powerful chorus, in my opinion.

Overall I love what you've got here. So much emotion in every bit of it.

[RealKevM]

Beautiful song mate, decent voice and quality lyrics.