[Mike67]

This is a lyric I posted a little while back, and Ed's now put a tune and recoding together.  Took a while to get a melody and basic arrangement we both liked, but pretty happy with it now.  It's the story of a young women who get caught up in human trafficking, with dramatic consequences. Any suggestions on how to improve the basic structure, arrangement etc, welcome.



SHIPPED ACROSS THE OCEAN

Sunlight in her eyes
Innocence unbroken
Captivates the moonlight, then taken
Did she realise,
All the words unspoken,
Sunlight casts a shadow? Mistaken!

Desperate in the moonlight
Shipped across the Ocean to play
Captivates moonlight
Shipped across the Ocean' to play

Sorrow in her eyes
Desperation falling
Haunted by the memory, then taken
Did they realise
Under the weight pleasure
Love casts a shadow? Mistaken!

Desperate in the moonlight
Shipped across the Ocean to play
Captivates the moonlight
Shipped across the Ocean' to play

Fireflies in her eyes.
No escape from mourning
No-one left worth saving remains.
Did she fantasise
Scarlet coloured pillows?
Standing in the shadows, untamed

Desperate in the moonlight
Shipped across the Ocean to play
Captivates the moonlight
Shipped across the Ocean' to play


https://soundcloud.com/mike-warnes/shipped-across-the-ocean-draft

[Mikey]

I thought it sounded good as it is, nice haunting sound which deals with the subject very sympathetically, nice guitar playing with a lovely tone, the drums sound a bit mechanical to me, but maybe thats what you wanted, vocals are really good, altogether a good track.

Mikey

[redrhodie]

It's pretty, but I'm wondering about the "shipped across the ocean to play". Why play? Isn't she being shipped to work, or to do something against her will? Maybe "shipped across the ocean, no say, no say."? Just an idea.

[Mike67]

@redrhodie . The shipped across the ocean to play is a reference to prostitution, where, I assume, a lot of men might consider it a leisure activity rather than exploitation. "No say" would work, but it wouldn't be quite so cutting. I'm feeling quite bitter-sweet, and the song kind of sums up my state of mind.

[redrhodie]

@redrhodie . The shipped across the ocean to play is a reference to prostitution, where, I assume, a lot of men might consider it a leisure activity rather than exploitation. "No say" would work, but it wouldn't be quite so cutting. I'm feeling quite bitter-sweet, and the song kind of sums up my state of mind.

Oh, I was seeing it from her perspective.

[dasntn]

Hi

sounds really good to me. Great guitar and vocals, very haunting. Only comment I would make is that the vocal levels are quite varied - sometimes hard to hear the lyrics, but maybe too loud when doubled up on the chorus, but a really powerful song, like it a lot,

cheers
Dave

[Johnnyuk]

Hi Mike,
The chorus lyric is really good but i have a line that i think might help to make it even stronger. It's just a thought,nothing more than that, If you think it works by all means feel free to add it and if not well at least you got some feedback for it.
Ok here is the new lyric line idea...

When you say....Shipped across the ocean... The next line i would change it too.....Sold without emotion.

That line for me would pin point your songs dark message a lot more in my opinion.
Like i said it's just a thought as you develop this terrific song.
Johnny

[Mike67]

Hi @Johnnyuk

Get where you're coming from and we'll see how we can weave it in as the song develops. Really busy at work at the moment, and nailing the finishing touches to the next EP, so not doing much with new songs at the moment. If you're interested, you could review the next cut of the EP? Expecting it back from our producer at the end of the week. 

Mike

[Johnnyuk]

Hi @Johnnyuk

Get where you're coming from and we'll see how we can weave it in as the song develops. Really busy at work at the moment, and nailing the finishing touches to the next EP, so not doing much with new songs at the moment. If you're interested, you could review the next cut of the EP? Expecting it back from our producer at the end of the week. 

Mike

Hi Mike,
I would love to review it for you no problem.
I'm really looking forward to hearing what you've done.
Johnny

[katiewilson1]

Very haunting - I think it gets better as it goes on , I'd find it hard to be so disciplined singing like this  , I keep thinking of the titanic and the mist rolling in - strong subject matter as well .
Well put across - I couldn't always hear the words but it's still a very interesting piece of art - which is a strange phrase but it has artistic qualities to me

[delb0y]

It's very good and sounds pretty much complete to me. Great singing and playing. I'd agree with the previous discussion around the word "play". It doesn't feel like quite the right word given the mood and direction of the song. It's quite a major part of the lyric, too. But alas, I have nothing better. Great work, though!

[Mike67]

Thanks for all the comments, guys. Definately needs some work, and I have an idea to the the "play" reference. Always good to get advice from peers🤓

[Bandana]

I like this. Atmospheric and hauntingly alluring. Limke the way the drums come in on V2.