konalavadome

Under the Weather (explicit)

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Jack_Diamond.

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« on: April 14, 2018, 10:09:52 PM »
https://jackdiamond.bandcamp.com/releases

Hey everyone. I know the productions not great but im still in the learning process and have pretty shitty equipment atm. let me know what you think :)

I wrote the majority of this song quite a while ago when I was dealing with some very difficult personal issues. The song is my attempt at conveying the very numb and emotionless state i ended up getting myself into during these difficult times.
Im looking for general feedback on lyrics, and just want to know what you think to the style of it.


Lyrics:

What will it take, to make my blues go away
I wanna feel, feel something instead of nothing
I swear for a second, i felt my heartbeat through my chest
Probably not for love, but for all the drugs in my blood

Pretty flowers and sunshine, wont make me smile honey
Grey clouds and rain drops wont make me cry honey
Pretty flowers and sunshine wont make me smile
Grey clouds and rain drops wont make me cry, now honey

What will it take, to make my blues go away
I wanna feel, feel something instead of nothing
I swear for a second, i felt my heartbeat through my chest
Probably not for love, but for all the drugs in my blood

Pretty flowers and sunshine, wont make me smile honey
Grey clouds and rain drops wont make me cry honey
Pretty flowers and sunshine wont make me smile
Grey clouds and rain drops wont make me cry, now honey
« Last Edit: April 14, 2018, 11:44:22 PM by Jack_Diamond. »

PaulyX

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« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2018, 10:37:24 PM »
Hello Jack
Can you post the lyrics please?
I like the mellow soporific feel to this a lot. Nice chord progressions and I dig the tone of your voice.  At 4 minutes I felt it could build a little bit more during the song or you could vary the strumming pattern a little so it doesn't get 'samey' but then again, the stripped back feel certainly has charm too... maybe just trim it back in length to 3 mins or so if you want to keep it that way?
Hope you get involved and enjoy the forum.
It's all too beautiful.

Jack_Diamond.

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« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2018, 10:51:32 PM »
Yeah sure. Thanks mate! Yeah that's a really good idea i'm definitely gonna try and build it up more. maybe add a few more instruments as it progresses.  Im not sure how i could trim it back although i do want to. Im gonna get more involved for sure, only just found this place :)

adding lyrics to post.

PaulyX

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« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2018, 11:09:35 PM »
Thanks - interesting lyrics.  I like the ambiguity of the second and last lines of the chorus (saying the opposite of each other).  It's certainly not too conventional lyrically which is a good thing in my view.
It's all too beautiful.

Jack_Diamond.

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« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2018, 11:13:58 PM »
Im happy you like them but i wasn't going for ambiguity i was trying to describe a state of emotionless, if that makes any sense?

PaulyX

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« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2018, 11:21:15 PM »
Hi again
I listened to your song again and actually I think there's a small typo in your lyrics above - you missed out 'won't' from the last line of the chorus (which is why I got the ambiguity from it...).  With that word back in (as you sing it) though, then yes certainly I get the message of emotionlessness... striving to feel something, either way, which is also an interesting topic.
It's all too beautiful.

Jack_Diamond.

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« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2018, 11:26:05 PM »
Ah you're right. Thanks for pointing that out.

Movin Flavour

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« Reply #7 on: April 15, 2018, 09:13:22 AM »
A real dreamy song.

Good vocals, don't think the song is totally complete yet.

Would like more instrumentation, perhaps horns or strings.As it stand the guitars are too prominent and I think your voice should be more in the mix.

Overall a good listen, but I think you really can add more in the mix.

Thanks for sharing.

Sandeep

Sterix

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« Reply #8 on: April 15, 2018, 12:13:39 PM »
Nice effort. I think the vocals need to be a little louder/stronger. I found myself straining to listen to them so much it was detracting from the music.

Jack_Diamond.

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« Reply #9 on: April 15, 2018, 06:13:32 PM »
Thanks to both of you. I do want to work on it more but the for the time being its "finished" just because im having to put music on hold for the time being with exams on the horizon.

redrhodie

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« Reply #10 on: April 15, 2018, 06:24:07 PM »
Pretty, sad Jobim kind of feel. I think it all works really well. Nice melancholic vibe. Perfect for those days when you don't want to get out of bed. Nice!

Jack_Diamond.

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« Reply #11 on: April 15, 2018, 10:47:52 PM »
Thank you kindly :)

AntManB

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« Reply #12 on: April 15, 2018, 10:57:29 PM »
Really nice feel to this.  As others have said, it would be nice to bring out the vocal a bit.  I personally wouldn't go too far with other instruments -  I think it suits the lyric to be simple guitar and vocal.

One thing I might suggest is changing up the second verse a bit rather than just repeating it.  It doesn't necessarily have to be completely different - but you could change some of the lines just for variety.

AMB

P.S. GL with the exams

Jack_Diamond.

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« Reply #13 on: April 15, 2018, 11:00:02 PM »
Cheers for the nice comments and thank you for the wish of good luck. I'm gonna work on new lyrics for the second verse.

Neil C

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« Reply #14 on: April 16, 2018, 10:29:13 AM »
Hi Jack,
Welcome.
Nice down yet dreamy feel. You've a good voice, neat lyrics and nice chord progression.
Thoughts think you essentially repeat the same chorus and melody, so maybe some variation around how you sing it would add a little light and shade. I always think of a song as a journey and you want to build a song, take people somewhere rather than just get stuck on the motorway, if that makes sense.
Towards the end your vocals sound more confident, more of that please.
Enjoyable
 :)
neil

 
songwriter of no repute..