[adamfarr]

A jolly little one about solitude, fear of commitment, and how we are creations of our past. It started as "I" but I rewrote as "he" because the character felt better as observed rather than confessional. Will be a folky thing with a line from the Spanish lute I think.

What I'm not too sure about are the choruses which seem very long... Also not sure if I should start with the shampoo etc. - would switching verses 1 and 2 add or take anything away?

Any constructive and specific comments welcome as ever!


Travel Size

V1 (set up)
He's got travel shampoo, mini cologne
Toothpaste and shaving foam
Lined up like knights ready to fight
Against the X-ray machine and being tied to a home

V2 (no ties)
No car or land gives him what he needs
They'd weigh him down with their keys
Just plastic cards, a boarding pass
Loose change thrown away, a small price to stay free

CH
Like an airline bottle of wine
His life's made for one
He orders two bottles of Jack
The size of his thumbs
108 sit on the plane
Sharing his space
But he's not sharing nothin’ with anyone.

V3 (why)
Grew up in a house where the only things shared
Were debts and rows and a name
Chardonnay shards, Seagrams smashed in the yard
Thrown back together when the garbage truck came

V4 (locked in)
Relationships left like paperbacks
On motel bedside tables
His whole life in a case for an easy escape
When your heart’s travel size, settling down's fatal

(c) 2018, Adam Farr, all rights reserved

[rightly]

Some nice phrases and images.
Excellent subject matter here.
I hope it isn't autobiographical.

I don't think the verses are too long but that will depend on how they're sung.
I think if you're uncomfortable with singing a specific line you should file it down as much as you can, even if that means hoping the listener will apply some imagination and be able to fill in the gaps.

[CaliaMoko]

I like the verses the way you have them. I think verses 1 and 2 work best as you have them.

The only bit that didn't feel right to me was the 108 on the plane.  Not sure what would be better though. "Everyone on the plane"?

Overall the story comes through clearly for me.

[Martinswede]

Hi Adam!

I think your lyrics has potential. The first verse fits well in the beginning of a song. I think it introduces the way of making details represent bigger subjects in a good way.

The chorus is a bit long. I think a different approach from the aforementioned might give a stronger message.

I hope I could help in someway

Martin

[Sterix]

It's always hard (nigh on impossible actually) to say whether the chorus is too long. As a poem I would have said yes (you do lose the sense of rhythm when reading it thus) but as a lyric - depends on the tune. And only you know that. If it fits to the tune then it's just fine.

As with CaliaMoko, I too am unsure on the "108" - although I understood its meaning straight away so it's probably neither here nor there.

[adamfarr]

Thanks everyone. I was playing this other day and nearly fell asleep during the chorus... I'm thinking (probably I already knew this) that having both the Jack and the wine is overkill (we got the message the first time).
I'll be back with something new!
Thanks for reading and feedback.