konalavadome

Wildflowers

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Ramshackles

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« Reply #15 on: March 19, 2018, 12:00:27 PM »
Hi
I also hear a bit of a Jason Mraz 'I'm Yours' influence.
It's a good first effort. The best moment is the 'wildflowers ripped form the cracks in the sidewalk' which is good as it is the 'hook' of the song. The change in tune (sounds like you are switching to a major 6th maybe?) really helps push the line and the lyric stands out more than most of the rest of the songs lyrics.

Overall I think there were too many verses. They are somewhat weaker than the chorus (lyrically and melodically) yet more of the song was given over to the verse. I would've probably removed a verse completely - the song is already >4 mins so you wont lose anything - and then perhaps even lose a second in favour of another chorus, solo or break. You have basically 3 verses before the first chorus (OK you can argue that the 3rd one is a break into the chorus, but the guitar arrangement is largely the same so its not enough of a change to give some movement to the listener). You could cut that to 2. You really want to be getting into that chorus ASAP.

Another 'trick' is what the Beatles used to do - start with the chorus. In this case, I think you wouldn't want to start with the 'full' chorus, but perhaps just replace the acoustic intro with the last 4 bars of the chorus, without vocals. That will mix up the long first minute a bit and give a hint to the listener at what is to come.

It will be interesting to hear your future stuff. Once you have written a song, be cruel to it - mess around with the arrangement, the structure until it is the best it can be.

montydog

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« Reply #16 on: March 19, 2018, 03:56:48 PM »
Hi Sarah,

Welcome to the forum! This is pretty impressive stuff. I love your lyric writing - cliche free and honest. Your singing is lovely too as the guitar playing. Production is simple and clean - it needs no more than what you have here.
If you wanted to present this to a publisher, I would bring the chorus in earlier and make it shorter but as it is I think it's a lovely song. I would be very proud.

I hope the comments from the other members encourage you to write and post more of your songs on here.

M

PS The more you give in the form of listening and commenting on other's work, the more you will learn and the more rewarding this forum will be :-)

Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra

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« Reply #17 on: March 19, 2018, 04:09:12 PM »
Just to add my praise!

Really enjoyed the song and the delivery. Some neat lines and imagery in the lyric. Like the build from uncertainty...hope you care about me...to greater certainty....I know you care about me....to the last two lines.

The use of the weather as a metaphor for state of mind is an old one but you used it in such a way that it felt like it just happened to be winter as part of the story and it worked.

I think the chorus timing is fine myself. Starts at 1.00 which isn't too long into the song I don't think....and everything that came before was so nice that I wasn't desperate for anything else to happen.

Yes, nothing else needed arrangement-wise...keep it simple. You've got the voice to carry it with just the guitar.
Take it easy.

You can check my stuff out here. Mini-album getting bigger slowly. Free download if you're poorer than me.

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Cawproductions

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« Reply #18 on: March 19, 2018, 08:33:26 PM »
Hi Sarah,

Lovely song and the your vocal tone is super nice. The harmonies sounded sweeet.

Well done and welcome to the forum.

Cheers
Andy

sarahlawrence17

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« Reply #19 on: March 20, 2018, 07:05:36 AM »
@mickyplankton @Binladeda @Katie Wilson @montydog @Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra @Cawproductions  Thank you all so much for your kind words of insight and for listening to my song! I think this is a great community you have here and do intend to stick around :)

@Jambrains @LostBoy That's really useful, thank you!!

@Ramshackles Thank you for listening to my song in such detail, and for your helpful comments. Personally, in terms of lyrics I do quite like the extra verses because it gives me more time to flesh out the story, but I definitely see where you're coming from. I will look at making an alternate version with less verse that could be used for more commercial situations.

Jamie

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« Reply #20 on: March 20, 2018, 11:49:00 AM »
Hi, Clearly a talented singer and songwriter.Just need to polish up on the details (like the out of tune guitar and the quality of the guitar tone). But.....an excellent first post,welcome to the forum!
Cheers
Jamie

adamfarr

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« Reply #21 on: March 21, 2018, 05:38:15 PM »
It’s a great song - great percussive guitar, engaging tempo and light and shade in the vocal. The production works well, enough new elements to carry the length.


It’s not pop, so for me there’s no problem delaying the chorus - the verses are supposed to be interesting too! I thought there was a lot of content, and a lot of different ideas that weren’t always totally obvious to me but that also works as part of the message (lots of mingled adolescent thoughts and slight disorientation).


From a writing point of view there were a couple of lines that perhaps didn’t 100% fit the rhythm (e.g. “we talk slow heart”... ) which could be good to avoid if there’s any alternative (sometimes there isn’t!). But that’s being extra picky because this is already so good.


Great stuff and doesn’t get old on more listens.


Movin Flavour

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« Reply #22 on: March 21, 2018, 08:59:41 PM »
A really beautiful song.

Really clever lyrics and sung so beautifully.

I've read all the other comments and they are a true reflection of the quality of this song.

Well done.

Sandeep

tboswell

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« Reply #23 on: March 22, 2018, 10:55:49 AM »
Lovely tune Sarah! Beautiful refrain at the end of the chorus and the image of wildflowers pushing through cracks is really vivid. Catches the ear and the imagination really well.

Production wise, the vocals and guitars are rhymically busy enough that you don't really need to add much on it, it would just get cluttered I think.
I think the piano can be integrated with the guitar better, rhymically getting them to support each other. Also there is an odd reverb on the piano which makes it seem further away than the guitar which feels odd. Would keep it dryer.

Vocals are really nice with super harmonies.
It's really great work!

Tom.

crystalsuzy

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« Reply #24 on: March 22, 2018, 11:39:59 AM »
WOW~Sarah! If you are only 16, what will you be writing as an adult :o this is amazing in every way! Beautiful melody...I agree with the "I'm Yours" vibe. The imagery in the lyrics to so poetic, and to top it off you have a gorgeous voice :-*
I like the dull guitar, because it makes your vocals shine even more :) 
I wouldn't add much to this track, other than tuning the guitar  :) :)

sarahlawrence17

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« Reply #25 on: March 23, 2018, 09:16:26 AM »
@crystalsuzy @Movin Flavour @tboswell @Jamie @adamfarr Wow, thanks to all of you for listening and for the great welcome to the forum from everyone!

@tboswell Yeah, I rushed this track and ignored the timing/tuning issues a bit. I have learned my lesson! I don't think I put any reverb on the piano, it probably sounds further away because it was really badly recorded lol

@adamfarr Thank you for listening to the lyrics, you really got what I was going for. That line bothers me too, I've looked at it before and couldn't think of anything...might have to look at changing the whole couple of lines around it at some point.