[dasntn]

Hi
latest song I'm working on.
It's a bit autobiographical, about how I had to move near family, and effects on friends an co-musicians!

The lyrics are below, and I'd be grateful for any view - and feel free to criticise - there are parts I really like, parts I think are OK, other bits I'm not sure about yet, so now's the time to get some input!
You can hear a very rough version here https://soundcloud.com/dasntn/heading-westward - Not sure the key is right for me, might need to change that.

I wasn’t trying to leave my past, I didn’t want to run away
(But) when life deals you a crooked hand, you know that you just cannot stay
Time had come to join my brother, leave my friends behind
Heading west, a new beginning, a whole new life to find
I never wanted to split us up, I didn’t want to say good bye
But I knew that moving westward,  meant leaving you behind


Where the hills roll down to rivers, and rivers flow to the sea
So much rain and misty sunshine, seems a quiet place to be
But there’s always music  playing, pouring out from everywhere
Time to sing our songs alone, ‘cos you’re no longer there 
Things don’t always go to plan, that saying’s so often true
When I learned that things could change, hope began to brew

Chorus
We’re all travelling to the West, the place we need to be
Leave the crowded towns behind, move down  to the sea
Time to find a different voice,  make no apology
Heading westward, our next stop,  join good company   good company


When you said you were moving too, I wondered just what that meant
Heading North to a hillside town,  can’t keep paying London rent
Then you spoke about moving down, to check my point of view
Didn’t know life could be that kind, we’ll start our songs anew
I never wanted to split us up, I didn’t want to  get away
If there’s a chance to  play together, I think you know what I’ll say

[cowparsleyman]

Hi Dastn

Super song, thanks for posting it, here's what went through my mind as I listened to it.

It's a bit on the long side.
I like the way you play the guitar, very effective.
The melody on the Vox was getting boring, so try and move it about a bit
Could be either a tone higher or change the melody so it starts on a different note, your voice sounds better higher, I guess when you are tracking the proper version you'll give the vox some welly.
The chorus could come in at the end of V1
Bridge is great.
Drums don't need to be there from the beginning.

Hope you don't mind my comments...

Nice piece of writing

btw, did you get any more inspiration from moving to the Sea?

hope this helps

cpm

[dasntn]

Thanks CPM, don't mind your comments at all! Far from it, very useful. Just the sort of thing I was looking for.

The chords through the verse are quite repetitive, and I think that does influence the melody to be a bit boring. I will have a go at changing it for the second time through in a verse, and I will see what bringing the chorus in earlier is like. It is over 4 mins as recorded, and I would like to have the chorus in there three times (only in there twice at the moment), so I might compress the verses. Lots of food for thought!

I think I will have a go at either moving it up a tone, or changing the melody - I was singing a bit quietly as my wife's hairdresser was round doing her hair, so I wasn't giving it the full treatment!

And yes, loads of inspiration since moving down to Devon! Lots of songs written, lots of local musicians met - highly recommended!

Dave

[Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra]

I think that verse melody will sort itself out if you sing it a bit higher as has been suggested though I like the very low notes you hit at the end of the lines. It's got a nice folky feel already. I like the way the third line goes up then back down again for 4th line.

Also like the way the guitar kind of follows the melody.

The chorus is a bit weak I think at the moment...just going up doesn't really make it sing.  It's a bit wordy too. Maybe just find a couple of good, telling phrases that say what you want to say, and repeat a line or two....something to make it stick in the listener's head. And...in the verse you're in the first person but in the chorus it's suddenly 'we'.....the family?

Although the lyric is kind of vague - who are you leaving behind exactly...lover, friend - I think also it's a bit too specific where it may benefit from being vaguer. 'Time had come to join my brother' sounds a bit clunky to me....maybe some allusion to being needed or fulfilling obligations in some way.

Er...all I can think of at the moment.

Enjoyed what you've got so far though....tightened up I think it'll be a nice song.

I'll try to keep up with developments...that's the tricky bit about going into the Works In Progress section....you have to engage more thoroughly with the song. I'll try though!

[Johnnyuk]

Hi.
For me i would put this song idea in the idea box to revisit at a later date.
On hearing it i was left confused. You are a very talented musician and imo way better than this. I would consider thinking of writing a song with YOU and your actual FEELINGS in it. This to me is generic lyrics. And when that happens you as a listener just end up feeling very confused. I listened to this 4 times and still i don't know it's message.
I have written songs like this many times before and they are now rightly gathering dust. I thought they were fine at the time but now understand that i am going to write songs that don't make sense. It's all a part of the songwriting process.
Many in here will say nice song well done etc, some will say lower the vocal etc. That's fine but it will not help you imo. The song does not work right now. So store it in your unfinished song idea box for another day.
Like i have said... you are a very good musician but this doesn't work and my honest advice is to leave it and to find something else to put your time into this time.
Please do not take offense to my words. I am just being totally honest with you on this song. It does not work and knowing that is a good lesson in itself if you are open minded enough to hear it and move on from it.
Johnny

[Robbie S]

Hi, like the chords, nice flow.

Yea I think the key sounds wrong in my humble opinion.

I agree about bringing in the chorus in earlier.

Some more instruments might help, even a simple shaker just give it some ore energy.

The melody in the pre-chorus is lovely, where you say :

"I never wanted to split us up, I didn’t want to  get away
If there’s a chance to  play together, I think you know what I’ll say"


It's quite long, can you shorten it?

Keep going!

[GinaEllen]

Hey,

I feel like the chorus needs to come in quicker, maybe after the first verse? It needs sooner. In my opinion your voice is much stronger higher up, it sounds more comfortable and some natural vibrato comes in which is lovely. Maybe up a tone or tone or 2 if that's not too high for you in the chorus?

Love the melody on the last 2 lines of the verse.

Nice work 

 

[dasntn]

Hi everyone

and thanks for the comments. They are all very welcome, even the idea to leave it for a while, Johnny!

I have now taken it up a tone, as it was too low. I've tried changing the chords for the second half of the verse - it was feeling a bit repetitive, but so far haven't got a sequence I like.
Bringing the chorus in earlier makes sense, and the Vicount's comments about the chorus being too wordy are interesting. Less words and more variation might be the answer to that bit.

Interesting that a number of people commented that it wasn't clear what the song is about - or even that the words are generic. I played it last night to a group of friends in a music session who know me and instantly got it. So I need to decide who I am writing for - the wider public, or the local people who will here me play it. No right or wrong answer to that, but maybe trying to hit both audiences is the way to go.

Also, it is too long, you're right!

Lots of ideas to think about, none of which I would have got without you guys/gals on this forum, so thanks very much!!   Maybe I will leave it for a month or two and revisit (good idea Johnny), to get a different view. It's kind of stuck in my head as it is at the moment so it's hard to change. 

cheers

Dave

[Johnnyuk]

Hi Dave,
Remember you have the song idea saved. It will always be there to go back to at any point in time.
So you havn't lost anything. It can get really frustrating when a new song idea somehow doesn't seem to be working out for whatever reason. So your best option is to store it away for a rainy day and come back to it with a fresh pair of ears. The songs message i clearly didn't get it even after 4 listenes BUT your friends did. Those that know you will get your lyrics more than a total stranger because they know you. That's not a bad thing but if you do want to know if your songs message is cutting through it has to be total strangers you take advice from.
I wrote 3 new song ideas in the last few days Dave. One of which has gone straight into my ideas folder for another day cos it just wasn't flowing/working out.
Anyway i do hope that when you get back to this song you get your message clearer and find the right structure and time scale for your song.
Johnny

[dasntn]

Good advice.

I am (sort of) leaving it for a while, but have already thought I will probably drop verse 2, bring the chorus in after Verse 1, add a Mid 8 after the second chorus, and tighten the lyrics.

But we'll see in a while!

[Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra]

Another thing which I didn't say before but still worries me is the title.

Heading West sounds good and snappy (to me). Heading Westward sounds a bit too much. Might just be me though!

[dasntn]

Yes, Viscount - I agree.

The only reason was that I've just left a band where we played a song by a friend called Heading West, and I didn't want to get confused, but that's not really a valid reason!  It is much snappier.

Dave

[cowparsleyman]

It's really cool that you decide how you want it Dave, one gets so much advice, but Johnny's right you need a clear vision, If I get inot a place like this, I stick it on the car stereo and play it alot, without touching it, and have a notepad and  pencil, and jot down ideas as they come, then go back to it after a month or so  with a much clearer view of what you are going to do with it.

keep us posted as to how it transpires.

cpm