Helpless!

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crystalsuzy

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« on: March 12, 2018, 12:13:40 PM »
Hi guys,
Here's a song I've been working on for a while, so my ears are now numb. Any advice would be most welcome  :P
It's kind of a stream of consciousness thing, so there are 4 very distinct parts, which were challenging to join together smoothly, so don't be surprised if you suddenly feel like you've skipped into another song   ;D
It's a fairly heavy subject, so was a bit of a therapy piece, as I live with a loved one that suffers with drug addiction and mental illness  :'(
Still trying to decide if I should make more than one song out of this track, and if I do, how I should split it up :)

https://soundcloud.com/crystalsuzy/an-endless-train-to-nowhere

We’ve been going round on this burning wheel, for so long
Don’t now how we got here, but I wonder where I went wrong
But maybe, just maybe, it will make me strong
Helpless …helpless

Mary-Jane changed his brain, when he was still young
Then the dragon, singed his soul; and blocked out the sun
Now he’s frozen in crystals; have these drugs won?
Helpless …helpless
 
I say you need some help…right now
You say that you’re all right…for now
But round and round and round we go
Nothing ever changes; you don’t want to know
It stays the same, on this endless train, to nowhere
It stays the same, on this endless train, to nowhere

As Crystals explode into ice; I’m dragged down into his hell
Psychotic nightmares or evil spells? What’s real, what’s not?
Becomes more fragile with each fix and shot
But he doesn’t care; cause he’s way out there, with translucent eyes
And a broken soul, as he watches life through a tiny hole
I can’t get through the broken glass; I feel so helpless, as he
Starts to crash; I can’t break his fall; he’s like a bouncing ball
So I watch him wither, into something very small

I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t take it anymore
My heart is broken to the core. I can’t take it anymore

You say you wanna leave; you wanna get out, right now
I say you gotta go, you gotta go, somehow
But round and round and round we go
Nothing ever changes; no one ever goes
It stays the same, on this endless train, to nowhere
It stays the same, on this endless train, to nowhere

It’s like a loop machine!

We’ve been going round on this burning wheel, for so long
Don’t now how we got here, but I wonder where I went wrong
But maybe, just maybe, it will make me strong
Ya, maybe, just maybe, it will make me strong
« Last Edit: April 11, 2018, 10:59:47 AM by crystalsuzy »

Mike67

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« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2018, 12:53:31 PM »
Hi Crystalsuzy,

Only had a quick listen, so initial views.  I like the idea and the individual component, but the Segways need some work in order to make it flow. Paul McCartney was a master at this.  It is doable, but the segways need careful planning. Love the almost whimsical approach to a very dark subject. Nice work and bags of potential. Wemcome to the Forum.

cowparsleyman

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« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2018, 01:08:55 PM »
Whato Crystal Suzy.

I can imagine that your ears are numb, it's always a big job trying to piece together scenes in a song like this.

The subject matter has spawned loads of songs, and I can imagine that you found quite a bit of calm sea in between the cans.

The first part was a little loose on the Vox, but that can be fixed, really strong 2nd and 3rd phases, reminded me of talking heads, nice vocal harmonies. I also liked the way you separated each Vox track in the mix.

I read the lyrics again without the music, and they are really good, I hope it does make you strong Suzy.

What does He think of your music?

I'm going to PM you.

cpm

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2018, 03:47:08 PM »
Hey Suzy...this is quite an accomplishment. As others mentioned, the transitions need work, but I think it's really a great piece. I can feel the frustration and hope, mainly frustration, and helplessness. The contrast of the different sections is very effective. Transitioning from one section to another seems quite tricky to me; I wouldn't know how to do it. But I can tell it will be important to get them to move logically, though not necessarily "smoothly" from one to the next. Jarring elements would be very appropriate.

I hope you keep developing this one.

Vicki

pompeyjazz

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« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2018, 10:55:45 PM »
Hi Suzy, I always look forward to listening to your work. Your four song concept is great. It's a trippy vibe. Totally unique and original and I absolutely love that so much. It's so lovely to listen to something other than a force fed  3 minutes of nothing  :)

RealKevM

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« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2018, 10:59:03 PM »
A beautiful and personal song. I'm not sure about it suddenly changing, I got a surprise lol.

Skub

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« Reply #6 on: March 12, 2018, 11:54:05 PM »
Hey Suze,I hope all is better with you than the song would suggest.

Man,I don't know where to start with this one.

I think it's an epic piece of work,ranging from singer songwriter territory to Beatles influenced psychedelia. I absolutely love what you've created here and whilst you say it's a work in progress,I'd be very careful what you change.

Personally I'd alter nothing about the structure of the song at all,other than using someone who knows production to spread out the sound and make it even bigger.

It's a damn fine song.  8)
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Cazrolina

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« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2018, 12:30:11 AM »
Fascinating. So many different sides and edges to this, merging very well, if you ask me, musically and lyrically for the background story. Clearly took a lot to do this and is very heartfelt. Everything working really well, the light, shade, rough and smooth, harmonies and psychedelia. Loved the early guitars and interesting percussion and transitions.  it’s another very clever piece, lady. Be proud of yourself and your great strength and love.
Big love cxx
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Jamie

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« Reply #8 on: March 13, 2018, 02:11:42 PM »
HI CS, another piece of interest from you, always trying something out! As others have said the transitions need sorting and smoothing, but I think that could be done. The change to the arpeggios might be a bit difficult. I especially liked the 'I can't take it anymore' section which is way too short, you could nearly carry a whole song with that idea. Took me into CSN&Y territory!
Great ideas (as usual!)
Cheers
Jamie

pnb

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« Reply #9 on: March 13, 2018, 05:12:57 PM »
Hi, as a personal story and message....its faultless. And I wish you and your loved one peace..

However, as a structured piece of music I had some challenges (and I totally accept that I might be the problem)

Anyway...these are the critical comments;

The phrasing and tuning in the first part of the song just needs a little work to sit more comfortably with the backing. Its only slight, but it is noticeable. But I liked the melody and also the whistling was just perfect.

For the second part of the song...I think this is by far the strongest musically and melodically.

The other parts were ok but didn't grab me the same way musically.

I personally would focus on making two very strong songs out of this work using the themes from part1 and part2.

None of this advice/criticism means anything compared to the power and intent of your feelings, thoughts and lyrics..which I totally respect and admire.

They are just the thoughts of a pretty conservative, main stream pop kind of guy.

Hope its ok to both fully admire and yet criticise at the same time!

Much love,

PNB.

Cawproductions

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« Reply #10 on: March 13, 2018, 07:04:23 PM »
Hi

I loved the vocal style on this, really dreamy, I tried not to read through the threads so not to colour my thoughts.

For me it sounded like a few different songs put together but hey, I like the fact that you weren't afraid to step outside the box here.

Vocals need a few minor fixes but the style and sound is spot on. I spend ages tuning mine so I am not the best person to comment on this.

Great work.


Cawproductions

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« Reply #11 on: March 13, 2018, 07:15:15 PM »
Hi

I loved the vocal style on this, really dreamy, I tried not to read through the threads so not to colour my thoughts.

For me it sounded like a few different songs put together but hey, I like the fact that you weren't afraid to step outside the box here.

Vocals need a few minor fixes but the style and sound is spot on. I spend ages tuning mine so I am not the best person to comment on this.

Great work.

Ha, made me chuckle ref the track length, our last one was too long.....lol

LostBoy

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« Reply #12 on: March 13, 2018, 07:46:20 PM »
Suzy!! One of these days you’ll just post a nice simple affair with you singing while playing a bloody triangle!!! ;D ;)

Kudos to you for writing a tough song from the heart. You have done a fab job mate. Your harmonies throughout were lovely. As always, I admire your creativity & originality.

Great stuff!!  :D

Johnnyuk

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« Reply #13 on: March 14, 2018, 08:07:37 PM »
Hi,
I loved it. It's already on my soundcloud playlist. :)
It's gentle and quirky to start off with then it runs into lots of different things.
Personally I'd separate them and let them all shine in their own right.
Great stuff!

Johnny :)

mickyplankton

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« Reply #14 on: March 14, 2018, 09:01:03 PM »
Hi Suzy.

Firstly great respect for writing such a complex heartfelt song with a difficult personal subject matter. I'm writing this review after one listen so this is just based on first impressions. I love each individual element of the song, although the opening and closing sections I think would be stronger with just one lead vocal. The harmonies work well on the other sections but not in these. The second vocal is a bit of a distraction to be honest.
The big big question for me (and this needs repeat listens) is whether the overall song is better than the sum of its parts. I'm not sure it is after one listen.
At present there is a bit of a jolt between sections and this doesn't help the whole for me.
Epic work here regardless.

Cheers Micky