I'd rather wear a skirt than a shirt

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Katie Wilson

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« on: March 11, 2018, 11:56:52 PM »
After the great reviews of my last trans song I thought I'd have another go and just say what it's like for me and if anyone wants to have a go at doing something with it that would be cool
A second one probably isn't a good idea but who knows - this comes from deep



I want to wear a skirt instead of a shirt

V1
Nobody knows the way that I feel inside
nobody knows the years that I've lied
denying the person I am
making me stay a man

Chorus
I want to wear a skirt
instead of a shirt
I can't breathe
I can't breathe

V2
I know that people think it's a game
but I can assure you that I'll go insane
if I can't be the girl in my brain
I'm dying , I'm dying

Chorus
I want to wear a skirt
instead of a shirt
I can't breathe , I can't breathe

V3
If you wanna know it feels
think of giant hands strangling you
and chains upon your soul and mind
I'm dying I'm dying

Chorus
I want to wear a skirt
instead of a shirt
I can't breathe I can't breathe

V4
my name might be Mike
but I stopped being him years go
he died inside, he couldn't breathe no more
I'm dying I'm dying

Chorus
I want to wear a skirt
instead of a shirt
I can't breathe , I can't breathe


Out
I used to drown myself in beer
and cut my arms in frustration
try living in my brain
I'm dying , I'm dying








« Last Edit: March 12, 2018, 08:09:04 AM by Katie Wilson »

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2018, 12:26:41 AM »
First of all, this lyric has feeling; I would expect the setting to be, maybe, hard rock, so the singer could scream out the words. That would be my preferred treatment of this theme, but a dirge-like minor setting would also be appropriate. I just prefer people use energy in their protests. It's more like they're fighting back against what's oppressing them. The dirge approach would feel to me more like giving up. Whichever way it may end up going, I believe it will strike a chord with kindred spirits.

Structurally, it is a little inconsistent. Typically, verses are written to be parallel to each other in rhythm and melody, so they sound pretty much the same just with different words. Your verse 1 has much less to it than the other verses. Now, maybe it could be considered an intro and just repeat a portion of the verse melody. I've heard that type of thing done before.

I can make verses 2 and 3 match each other rhythmically with a little nudging here and there. Verse 4, though, I can't. Someone more skilled than I might be able to, or maybe it would need some rewriting to match. I really like your verse 4, though, the rhyme scheme is so clever. I wonder if you could somehow combine the bridge and verse 4 and make that the bridge? And the outtro could be like another verse with an extra line screamed in between the third line and the last line.

For word flow and phrase structure...I used to spend a lot of time in a writers' forum--of novels, short stories, etc--and one thing that was hammered over and over was not to use extra words. Especially the word "that". Eliminating a few "that's" would tighten up your lyric a bit and make it "cleaner". For instance:

Nobody knows the way that I feel inside.

I know that some people think it's just just a game
but I can assure you that I'll go insane

And finally, there's the line: "like two great big hands shovelling coal". It would match the rhythm of the other verses better if it read something like this: "like two huge hands shoveling coal". Or even "giant", which can be smashed into the space of one syllable easier than "great big" can.

That's all I have. Don't stress over it. It's all just a bunch of my opinions. I'm really picky, and it often shows in my reviews. Take it as meaning I believe your lyric has potential and deserves to be polished. And keep in mind my thoughts are not always correct. See what other people have to say, too.

And best of luck with your new old guitar.  ;D

Katie Wilson

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« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2018, 01:11:01 AM »
Thanks I'll have a bit of a re write xxx

Mike67

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« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2018, 08:02:36 AM »
Hi Katie,

I know you're reworking the lyrics, so I'll hold out for v2. Just to add to CaliaMoko's comments ahead of the re-work; the "I'm dying, I'm dying" line gives a strong message, that kind of loses impact the more you use it.  Personally, I'd use it to close each verse, or the chorus, but not both. The biggest impact would be once, as the last words of the song.

Katie Wilson

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« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2018, 08:10:27 AM »
This is the re write  -I've changed it in the top.post as well


I want to wear a skirt instead of a shirt

V1
Nobody knows the way that I feel inside
nobody knows the years that I've lied
denying the person I am
making me stay a man

Chorus
I want to wear a skirt
instead of a shirt
I can't breathe
I can't breathe

V2
I know that people think it's a game
but I can assure you I'll go insane
if I can't be the girl in my brain
I'm dying , I'm dying

Chorus
I want to wear a skirt
instead of a shirt
I can't breathe , I can't breathe

V3
If you wanna know it feels
think of giant hands strangling you
and chains upon your soul and mind
I'm dying I'm dying

Chorus
I want to wear a skirt
instead of a shirt
I can't breathe I can't breathe

V4
my name might be Mike
but I stopped being him years go
he died inside, he couldn't breathe no more
I'm dying I'm dying

Chorus
I want to wear a skirt
instead of a shirt
I can't breathe , I can't breathe


Out
I used to drown myself in beer
and cut my arms in frustration
try living in my brain
I'm dying , I'm dying







« Last Edit: March 12, 2018, 08:13:48 AM by Katie Wilson »

Mike67

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« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2018, 10:57:46 AM »
Please ignore this post if you feel strongly. I had a go at rewriting this, mainly to give some consistency in terms of rhyme and syllable count. I find it easier than just commenting, particularly as I'm using my phone with fat, clumsy thumbs.

Mike


V1
Nobody knows the way I feel inside
nobody knows the years that I've lied
denying the person, the person I am
making me stay a man

Chorus
I want to wear a skirt
instead of a shirt
I can't breathe
I can't breathe
Denying who I am
Being labelled as a man
I can't breathe

V2
I know people think I'm playing a game
I can assure you I'd go insane
Need to be the girl I was born to be
Why can't I just be me?

Chorus
I want to wear a skirt
instead of a shirt
I can't breathe
I can't breathe
Denying who I am
Being labelled as a man
I can't breathe

V3
If you want to know how it feels inside
Try to run away with your feet tied
Wearing a smile when your heart is crying
I'm dying, I'm dying

Chorus
I want to wear a skirt
instead of a shirt
I can't breathe
I can't breathe
Denying who I am
Being labelled as a man
I can't breathe

Mid 8
They called me Mike
But that was never my name
He died inside
He couldn't play that game
Please let me be
I'm dying I'm dying
Who I need to be
I'm crying, I'm crying.

Chorus
I want to wear a skirt
instead of a shirt
I can't breathe
I can't breathe
Denying who I am
Being labelled as a man
I can't breathe

Outro
I used to drown myself in beer
and cut my arms in frustration
try living in my brain
I'm dying

Katie Wilson

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« Reply #6 on: March 12, 2018, 05:05:21 PM »
That's great Mike - thanks if it works better musically then yes - I'm happy with that - the only line I'm not sure is I'm dying I'm dying - who I need to be

Don't know if that matches or sounds quite right to me but then if you sing it - it sounds ok I think .

Thanks Katie xxx

Mike67

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« Reply #7 on: March 12, 2018, 06:39:19 PM »
Ah yes, should have used brackets: the I'm crying and I'm dying lines would be backing vocals. The main line then would be: please let me be who I need to be. Although that's be rhyming with be, you might bet away with it.

Anyhow's it's indicative. The M8 should really give a change, so you might want use it to give a different perspective, e.g. Tell me what you see? Do you see beyond your own prejudices? Can you see beyond the clothes; the flesh and bones?  Not drafting there. So, questions directed at the listner to make them think about their own view of the world. That might work.

Johnnyuk

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« Reply #8 on: March 12, 2018, 11:23:18 PM »
Hi Katie,
At some point i am gonna use one of your song lyrics and compose something musical to it. So be warned! :)
You write from the heart lyrically and that is great for someone like me.
Johnny :)

Katie Wilson

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« Reply #9 on: March 13, 2018, 12:37:52 AM »
Arghh thanks Johnny I don't really think about my lyrics they come from my very core and please do xxx

jacksimmons

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« Reply #10 on: March 13, 2018, 09:53:55 AM »
I Katie. I also really like these lyrics. I think the rewrites above by others are good in trimming it down structurally so it will fit within the confines of a normal song, but definitely think the loss of the line "I want to be the girl in my brain" is a mistake. That should definitely be kept, for me it is one of the most evocative lines in your original draft.

Calia also mentioned the line "Like two big hands shovelling coal." I can't find that in the OP anymore - was that edited out? I think it's a nice line also.

I would love to do something with these also, perhaps a collab for the EP I am working on. It has a heavy focus on LGBT stuff but, being just a bi guy, it focuses too heavily on that side of things. Would love to have a trans perspective written by a trans person. I would of course give you full credit for the lyrics. That's of course if Johnnyuk doesn't feel I am treading on his toes a little.

Katie Wilson

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« Reply #11 on: March 13, 2018, 10:36:53 AM »
Hi jack I'd be thrilled if you want to,use it for your EP - I'm sure that Johnny won't mind - we will do something in the future - I will add the lines back in and send it to you if that's ok
Mike actually had a big hand in re- structuring the song so,a lot of credit should go to him

If it's ok I might see what melody might work and have some Input in that xxx

But you have free reign to,do as you wish xxx

Johnnyuk

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« Reply #12 on: March 21, 2018, 08:28:53 PM »
Arghh thanks Johnny I don't really think about my lyrics they come from my very core and please do xxx

Hi Katie,
Please keep writing from your core. That is very important when songwriting.
My 3 tips for you would be...

1: Verses is the place to tell your story. So tell it!
2: Chorus tell us your answer/resolution so give it to them!
3: Bridge. Gives us additional information to support both your verses and your chorus. Give the extra thoughts to strenghten both!
Keep those 3 thoughts in your mind at all times as you write your lyrics and your lyrics will hit a home run every time!
Johnny :)

Katie Wilson

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« Reply #13 on: March 22, 2018, 08:38:24 AM »
Thanks Johnny I will keep.that in mind xxx