[TopCat]

Hey there folks. I am glad that I found this forum and this community. Will be sticking around for sure.

Currently, I am writing a song for an artist that provided me with the instrumental and the hook. He asked me to write 2 verses and a bridge.

Now in the chorus, he addresses his "love" interest as She. She this, she that.

The problem is that in the verses and bridge I've addressed her as YOU.

I have a question, would that be strange, because the flow of  the song itself is perfect. I tried rewriting and changing it up with She in the verses and bridge, but it's just dull. 

Now, there's the option to add You in the chorus as well, but then I risk too much repetition. It's a fast paced/party song, and it wouldn't be too obvious, but it still scares me a little bit. I also do not wanna break the flow of the song.

What's your opinion? Should I stick to the You and She? Rewrite? What would you do?

[Boydie]

The "rules" of commercial songwriting would dictate the following...

NEVER mix "you" and "she" in a lyric - it is just waaaay too confusing for the listener

I would suggest re-writing with "you" - this makes it much more engaging for the listener as it feels you talking about "them" - hearing a song about someone else is much less engaging

If it is a pop or Country song aimed at a female audience then I would definitely say it should be "you" throughout - women want the song to be directed to and about THEM - if you use "she" or "her" then you are just telling a story and it is less engaging

[TopCat]

The "rules" of commercial songwriting would dictate the following...

NEVER mix "you" and "she" in a lyric - it is just waaaay too confusing for the listener

I would suggest re-writing with "you" - this makes it much more engaging for the listener as it feels you talking about "them" - hearing a song about someone else is much less engaging

If it is a pop or Country song aimed at a female audience then I would definitely say it should be "you" throughout - women want the song to be directed to and about THEM - if you use "she" or "her" then you are just telling a story and it is less engaging

Thanks a lot Boydie. This is indeed a pop record aimed at a female audience. It is a very catchy, upbeat, sexy pop record and I really appreciate the input. I was actually leaning towards using the YOU myself, as it is indeed more personal to the listener, but since the hook was brought to me, and I didn't write it myself, I didn't know how the artist would feel if I change it.

[Boydie]

Keeping your client / artist may actually end up being your #1 priority so tread carefully - but I would definitely suggest that you suggest using the "you" for the reasons we have discussed and hopefully they will agree 

[Sterix]

I've mixed my pronouns a few times (but only when I knew it worked - it occasionally can). Most of the time, however, it doesn't and I'll rewrite to make them uniform.

I wrote one which springs to mind called You Were The One (Next to Me) where the singer sang the verses as if singing to an audience ("She fades with the last breath of wind") but the bridge/chorus changes to him singing to her memory ("You were the one who could make me believe"). It works in my head but maybe it also needs the right artist singing it (who can sell the change in direction).

Difficult to say in your case though without actually reading the lyrics.

[Boydie]

I would still argue that even that example would be unnecessarily confusing for the listener and potentially "break the connection" with the listener - even though I much prefer "you" if you have started engaging the listener by telling a story about "her" I personally think it is not a good idea to risk breaking this engagement by switching to "you"

The listener just needs a split second of "  " and you have lost them

[adamfarr]

Great topic. Never say never, but I’m sure that sort of mixture does risk saying “amateur “, “lazy” or “indecisive”.


In general it’s really instructive to consider most songs from this angle - just because the idea started as “you” doesn’t me he / she wouldn’t be more effective sometimes. Or even switching the you to I and taking the other side all through. Depends on the story or situation we’re trying to convey, and as Boydie says the genre and even target audience.


Decisions, decisions... or actually “tools, tools”...