[Mike67]

Toying with this one. Inspired by my uninspiring commute to work on a cold, grey morning. Feeling old and cold, but holding out for spring. All thoughts and ideas welcome.

A name on a wall
Painted in blue
Worn by the weather
Drifting from view

The sound of the wheels
As they ride the rails
Sound like blood
Rushing through my veins
Everyone dreaming
The train pulls away
Hope and desire
In the cold light if day

Cold light of day
Cold light of day
Hope and desire
As the train pulls away.

Out of the window
A world in decay
I see the reflection
Of what I became
Silently waiting
For heaven to call
No sence in waiting
No sence at all

No sence at all
No sence at all
No sence in waiting
For heaven to call

[Katie Wilson]

Hi mike I really enjoyed this , it really paints a picture for me , of trudging to work on a cold Monday morning , depressing , everyone looking miserable - maybe having to stand on a full train , nobody wanting to make eye contact .

Graffiti along the Walls of the track ,  everyone wishing that they were some where else 

My only thing is the no sense part - didn't really work for me personally thought you could do something stronger but that's just me , apart from that I think that it's great and paints  a picture and feeling very well .

I was going to say I didn't like the title but actually thinking about it I do

How about finishing with something like

Is this it ?
Is this it ?
Is this what I've become ? - just an idea


Katie xxx

[adamfarr]

Interesting stuff - I like short lines (and find it hard to be so concise).


It does have that train-track, repetitive rhythm to it which sounds spot on for the theme.


The blood in the veins is a great image, I really like that "internal awareness" idea. In my head, "rushing" sounds like one syllable too many and maybe a bit overused? Maybe something like "straining my veins" could work (also rhymes with train!). Or a different form - "sprayed in my veins" (brings back the graffiti idea)...


Just some small quick thoughts, and whatever you do I'll be interested to hear how it comes out.

[Mike67]

Katie: thanks for the thoughts, which we explored further via PM.

Adamfarr, thanks and taken on board. I have a melody, which I used to write it, and it scans ok, but I'll offer it up to Deadwood (twofromzero co writer) and see where we go from there. Revised version below.

A name on a wall
Painted in blue
Worn by the weather
Drifting from view

The sound of the wheels
As they ride the rails
Sounds like blood
Crawling through my veins
Everyone dreaming
The train pulls away
Hope and desire
In the cold light if day

Cold light of day
Cold light of day
Hope and desire
In the cold light of day

Out of the window
A world in decay
I see the reflection
Of what I became
Silently waiting
For heaven to call
No sense in waiting
No sense at all

No sense at all
No sense at all
No sense in waiting
For heaven to call

[M8]
Light on the window shining
Brighter than gold
The sound of a siren calling
Coming in from the cold
Sitting in silence
Down on our knees
A promise of something better
That no-one believes

The smell of a rose
The cut of a thorn
A kite on a wire
All tattered and torn
No sence in pretending
Resisting the game
Dreaming of something better.
Dreaming of something better.
Dreaming of something better.

A name on a wall
Painted in blue
Worn by the weather
Drifting from view