A Little Glue

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adamfarr

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« on: February 12, 2018, 11:01:12 AM »
Hi - started to write a song about a lonely old person, but somehow it wanted to be turned round to become more hopeful and generally applicable. Looking at a Scott Walker style baritone ballad here...
Could it be a little trite, especially that pay off? Is the key thing an unintentional double-entendre? What should the title even be?
Thanks for any comments you may have!

A Little Glue (working title)

V1
Now everybody calls me mister
But I still have a name
A few cracks showing on the outside
But inside I feel the same

V2
This jigsaw's still got all its pieces
Just the picture can't be found
This cassette has all the music on it
Just needs a pencil to be wound

CH
Can anybody see I'm still worth fixing
All I need's a little glue.
Some days it may seem that I’ve gone missing
Though I never leave my room
It's because she
Was the glue

M8
Memories like yesterday’s snow
Fearful of the sun
Who decided that it’s time to stop
Making new ones?

V3
This remote just needs recharging
Don't leave it lying in a drawer
This key still knows how to work
Maybe there's another door

V4
A few cracks showing on the outside
But inside I'm still the same
Everybody calls me mister
But I still have a name

FINAL CH
Someone's gotta see I'm still worth fixing
All I need's a little glue
One day you'll find that I’ve gone missing
Now it's time leave my room
All I need's
A little glue

(c) Adam Farr, 2018

Wicked Deeds

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« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2018, 09:03:20 PM »
The final line in the chorus delivers the key message.  I think some lyric song hit home hardest when we are in the midst of exoeriencing something that they reflect. 

I'd change the last two lines of V2 to read:

"The cassette has all the music
yet the rhythm can't be found"

This is engaging, hones t and heartfelt.

Paul
" We're learning to Quickstep.  You're dancing with me"

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adamfarr

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« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2018, 10:53:12 AM »
Thanks Paul - I was going with hopeless but found some hope that made him want to venture out of his room again...
Agree about the pencil line - maybe what he really needs is a cassette player... I'll have a think!

Neil C

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« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2018, 01:03:28 PM »
Adam,
Lots to like here. The verses are really good, love the fixing analogies.
Just wondered whether you want to repeat the glue line twice in the chorus maybe delete the 2nd line or replace it?
Good luck
 :)
neil
songwriter of no repute..

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2018, 04:47:18 PM »
Hi Adam...I can only think of one thing to add, so far. The chorus line "It's because she was the glue." I think this would come across much stronger if it only said, "She was the glue." I don't know your melody and rhythm, of course, but I think it might be able to be done by pausing for the "It's because" beats and come in on, "She was the glue" part.

Just my opinion, of course. Use it if you like it.

Vintage54

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« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2018, 08:48:52 PM »

  Hi Adam,
    The suggestions from those that posted before me are constructive and worth considering. I won't make any myself, why? because i believe it's pretty good the way it stands. I mess with songs myself sometimes, constantly re-writing when i'm not sure of a particular line. In many instances though, the first choice proved to be the best. You know the old adage "If it's not broke..." well, can't see a lot that needs fixing here, it's a damn good write, and the chorus sings like a dream. Roll on the next one.

                                           Vintage54

Johnnyuk

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« Reply #6 on: February 24, 2018, 08:24:31 PM »
Hi,
I like your lyrics. :)
If your still unsure of what the title to your song should be then i would try this approach.
This is something that i always do before i begin writing lyrics.
I write at the top of my lyric sheet....

1: What is this songs message in one word and one sentence. This really helps you to stay focused on your song title and it's message.

2: How do i want the listener to feel listening to this song? pain.joy.hope fun etc...

3: The title to this song is going to be?? write it down and stick to it unless later on a better title reveals itself to you.

4: Every lyric line i write i will try and point at my songs title, if i can't then every other lyric line. Trust me on this cos the more you write lyrics that point to your title the more colorful and clearer they will be to you and those listening.

5. At no point in my song will i write a lyric line that makes people stop listening to my song because they didn't understand what i was saying. I always think like this... If someone is busy scratching their head trying to workout what i have just said then i have lost them. The song is still playing but now they are not actually listening to my other lyrics because of this one confusing lyric line. So get rid of it and put the simple understandable lyric line back in place at least until you find a stronger line for that section that is understandable.

6: NONE i repeat NONE of my lyrics below are written in stone. Not even the song title! They are ALL open for change at any moment in time as i put this song together.

Have a go and see if it helps you! :)

adamfarr

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« Reply #7 on: February 25, 2018, 12:13:57 PM »
1: What is this songs message in one word and one sentence. This really helps you to stay focused on your song title and it's message...
4: Every lyric line i write i will try and point at my songs title, if i can't then every other lyric line...
5. At no point in my song will i write a lyric line that makes people stop listening to my song because they didn't understand what i was saying.


100% with you on these (and I'm sure I deviate quite often, sometimes deliberately and sometimes not!). But the question is, in this particular song, do you think that this is the case? And if so which lines? Interested to hear your take and suggestions if any...

Johnnyuk

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« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2018, 02:55:16 PM »
Hi Adam,
Thanks for the message.
Yes i can explain what i mean...

In the first two verses you talk about yourself. During those first two verses you never mention that you are in any way a broken man. What you do say is that your still the same person just a little older wiser etc.
That is what i got from reading those two verses.

Then we enter the chorus and you ask to be fixed?
In order to be fixed you first need to be broken.

So i would look back on your first two verses and try to mention that you are broken in someway shape or form cos if you do that then when we get to your chorus the impact is going to be so much stronger all round because you have set the listener up for that great opening line in your chorus. BAM more impact!

Maybe say something in your verses like i'm broken but i'm not blue or my hearts been broken cos of you.
Something needs to be said within those first two verses to allow that great opening line to hit home in the chorus. imo.

Two key elements to your songs message is that you are broken and need fixing.
So when the 3rd verse kicks in you could then move on to talk about how your life has been going since she broke your heart/spirit etc giving more detail to the listener.

eg: 3 rd verse could start like....

i might be broken
but i'm still living etc...

more lyrics like this will help to keep you on point with being broken and needing those listening wanting to fix you etc.

I hope i've explained myself clearly enough Adam.
Please don't take offensive, they are just my own personal thoughts on what i would look at for lyrics like this to get them stronger and clearer than they already are.

Johnny :)


adamfarr

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« Reply #9 on: February 26, 2018, 09:23:47 AM »
Thanks JohnnyUK - it's useful feedback as it's easy to assume people will get what I mean when in fact they may be seeing something different. The point may be even more nuanced as really he's not that broken, it's just that people treat him like he is... Anyhow, one of the things that I already wasn't totally keen on in version one was that there's not much progression in the verses - essentially they just explain the same thing in different ways which I usually try not to do.
So plenty to think about and thanks to you and everyone for the comments.

Johnnyuk

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« Reply #10 on: February 26, 2018, 04:32:28 PM »
Thanks JohnnyUK - it's useful feedback as it's easy to assume people will get what I mean when in fact they may be seeing something different. The point may be even more nuanced as really he's not that broken, it's just that people treat him like he is... Anyhow, one of the things that I already wasn't totally keen on in version one was that there's not much progression in the verses - essentially they just explain the same thing in different ways which I usually try not to do.
So plenty to think about and thanks to you and everyone for the comments.

Hi Adam,
Have you done a demo of this song yet? If so post it cos i would love to hear it. :)
You've got some great lyrics here! I was thinking about what you said about your verses. About you basically saying they are just saying the same thing etc. What about this... This old guy that it's about.... what if his story is that he got married,was successful and rich, had a great marriage with children and love in his life. Then suddenly he lost it all. Became homeless and the song could be about him now clawing his way back into getting his life back together. A story like that should give you tons of lyrical ideas to bring to your song. It could also have a happy ending because he could end up getting back with his wife and his children etc... It would also create empathy for your song from those listening to it. It's just a few ideas etc  something that could work for your song.
Johnny :)

adamfarr

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« Reply #11 on: February 27, 2018, 09:14:32 AM »
Thanks Johnny - that wasn't necessarily the song that I head in my head, but really interesting ideas and I'm sure I will take something out of them.