Songwriter Forum > Feedback on Finished songs
MY FIRST ....
Jennibean:
It has been a while since I visited this forum, but have something a little rough and ready and would appreciate some feeback or a band that will sing it!
22 October 2011
Manic Depression
Up down inside out
Walking the floor and turning around
Good bad and anything
What do I do to get someone to sing?
Going crazy in my own bed
The bells are ringing in my head
Itchy fanny the stress is eating me
Wish I had someone just to love me
Forgotten what I did
Never said what I said
Hate myself today
Tomorrow will come and I will pray
I didn’t mean to hurt anyone no woman no man
Take it with a pinch of salt and understand
Butter will melt if you smile it away
Forget what I said that was forbidden that day
Forgotten what I did
Never said what I said
Hate myself today
Tomorrow will come and I will pray
Human is it human?
Delusion is it real?
Where did it come from?
Surreal is surreal!
Forgotten what I did
Never said what I said
Hate myself today
Tomorrow will come and I will pray
Make me a prisoner
For my belief
Your opinion is noted
And I not the thief
Forgotten what I did
Never said what I said
Hate myself today
Tomorrow will come and I will pray
Take me for granted
I got what it takes
The minute you hold me
I’ll succumb to your shakes
Forgotten what I did
Never said what I said
Hate myself today
Tomorrow will come and I will pray
The garden of Eden is Eve’s paradise
Adam is the man who made the sacrifice
No wonder he caused the river to flow
The snake to bite and the apple to fall
Forgotten what I did
Never said what I said
Hate myself today
Tomorrow will come and I will pray
Make me a prisoner
For my belief
Your opinion is noted
And I not the thief
Forgotten what I did
Never said what I said
Hate myself today
Tomorrow will come and I will pray
Take me for granted
I got what it takes
The minute you hold me
I’ll succumb to your shakes
Forgotten what I did
Never said what I said
Hate myself today
Tomorrow will come and I will pray
The garden of Eden is Eve’s paradise
Adam is the man who made the sacrifice
No wonder he caused the river to flow
The snake to bite and the apple to fall
Forgotten what I did
Never said what I said
Hate myself today
Tomorrow will come and I will pray
She picked it up for the love of him
He led her to water to dine and swim
For the sake of absolution,
and to hold his thing(he he)
Who really hears of those folks anymore?
Unless you go to church and gain momentum on the score
Forgotten what I did
Never said what I said
Hate myself today
Tomorrow will come and I will pray
I feel better now xxxxx
Mr.Chainsaw:
Wow, that's A LOT right there! first up I'd go through your verses and choose the ones you feel the song needs, then save the rest for another project. I know this can feel harsh, but think of it as concentrating the lyrics, not castrating them.
The bigger sections (human is it human, she picked it up...), are they bridges, prechoruses? Have a shuffle around with the structure when the main body of text is slimmed down.
Of course, this is all supposing this isn't meant to be an epic 10 minute song ;)
There's some great lines here. I'd be really interested to see the next draft
Peter
domstone86:
I like it, it's interesting when songs have another side of things you don't normally see.
My only issue, and that's probably just personal is the message it gives out about bipolar (Manic depression). I have type 2 bipolar, which isn't as severe as type one (Just a major inconvenience at times!), and I can't really relate to much of this song. If I am manic and I'm in a mood, if I'm an arse about it, the last thing I'll be thinking of is the consequences the next day. Also unless it's extreme rapid cycling bipolar which is very rare, phases of both mania (Hypomania in my case lol) can last well over a day.
Sorry to nitpick so hard, for all I know you have bipolar and are showing your side of things, in which case I congratulate you for being able to write about it in such an unbiased way!
Keep on writing, you ARE good!
Kafla:
Itchy fanny indeed :o
Sorry but this needs tidied up before I could ever review it, you really need to edit and review this , Sorry ???
There is no structure to this at all
digger72:
Hi Jennibean,
There's an awful lot going on in there. However, it does strike me as being too repetitive. Really just echo the words of the others. But, it's your song. Do you have an idea in mind how it would sound? Is it an epic, or is this just a rough draft where you've blitzed your thoughts ready to do a 2nd version? There's a lot of potential in there to write a good song about a serious subject.
Digger
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
Go to full version