Hi Paul
I like these, i do a lot of pop based stuff with students, and this fit with what i usually work with, BUT I'm not a great lyricist!
so, an immediate reaction is:
Dark was the 'day' might be better, (repetition of 'd' sets up a rhythm and is slight more unexpected than night
I think the 4th line is the weakest, it's waiting for the punchline.
I work on the basis of mixinf strong imagery with more neutral imagery. The ideas in the first three lines are all very 'songy', and would sound great, but to be memorable, the 4th line would need to move out of this a little, put the verse into context (situation, location, etc)
Following this then, i like the first two lines of the bridge
I feel that the others are there to fill space?
But I like what the first verse sets up and would love to see this developed
just thoughts
Chris