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Lullaby

(1/1)

Paullennon:

Hi

Could you good people give me some opinions ofmy new song?

I need another verse to complicit but it's getting there:



Verse

The sun is high and the sky is blue,
Heaven would wait for a girl like you
Dark was the night till I saw your face
I'm gonna sing my song to you everyday

Bridge

Please don't cry
I'll chase the stars from the sky
The morning sun
Is gonna shine on and on

Need another verse

Bridge

Close your eyes 
Watch the pictures in the dark
Relax your mind
Let the worlds drift apart


Chorus

Let the Night lay you down x 4


Outro

I'm hoping from the start, that I can win your heat

chrislong170273:
Hi Paul

I like these, i do a lot of pop based stuff with students, and this fit with what i usually work with, BUT I'm not a great lyricist!

so, an immediate reaction is:

Dark was the 'day' might be better, (repetition of 'd' sets up a rhythm and is slight more unexpected than night
I think the 4th line is the weakest, it's waiting for the punchline.
I work on the basis of mixinf strong imagery with more neutral imagery. The ideas in the first three lines are all very 'songy', and would sound great, but to be memorable, the 4th line would need to move out of this a little, put the verse into context (situation, location, etc)

Following this then, i like the first two lines of the bridge
I feel that the others are there to fill space?
But I like what the first verse sets up and would love to see this developed
just thoughts

Chris

Paullennon:
Cheers chris

I have reservations about The 4th line also so what you are saying makes sense.

I might try and have a go at recording it at the weekend I'll post it up


Cheers mate

swad0319:
Hey Paullenon, the lyrics is just TOO good! Could I use it to make a song with my guitar please?  :)

The Corsair:
The second bridge is really standout (the 'close your eyes' bit).

Unfortunately, outside of that it's all quite generic and doesn't do much to say anything in a new and interesting way..

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