Hi Katie
Some really nice ideas in there, like someone said earlier in some of you posts, you are kind of mixing up Poetry and Lyrics.
Try digging out some of your favourites song, take a look at them, are they more like poetry or a lyric?
Many very famous songs don't really make much sense, but DO stick in you mind because the melody they are carried by is so hooky.
There is always the option to remove a word, and let the tune carry on, rather than show horn a word in...I'm doing that more these days.
Good luck
CPM