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January 16, 2018, 09:02:38 PM
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Read January 10, 2018, 05:57:20 PM #0
Tinitus95

Ordinary Unique

Hey,
I am a Singer Songwriter from Germany. I want to know if my lyrics are fine Wink
The Song is about beauty of my point of view. Maybe you even like it Cheesy
I hope It's not to bad.


VERSE I

It‘s pure, warm, sweet and unreal.
A piece of the whole i found here.    ---- Shall I use piece or part or is both fine?
A feeling of trust among us,
allow us to be you and me .

PRE CHOURUS

It‘s all we want, all we need. The other part to feel complete.
It's the opposite, the other side of misery.

REFRAIN

2x Ahh

Do we find or do we create this moment here of beauty?
It dosen't matter, now we are here to feel ordinary unique

No realese without tension we‘re forced to embrace the friction.
A rainbow needs sun and rain it can‘t show up everyday.


Bridge

Find meaning somwhere in between nothing and everthing.
See the glimmer of beauty somewhere in between order and chaos.
Well if nothing matters why should i suffer any longer?
Rest you mind for a while, take your time, set your goal and pick up your burden.


PRE CHOURUS

It‘s all we want, all we need. The other part to feel complete.
It's the opposite, the other side of misery.

REFRAIN

2x Ahh

Do we find or do we create this moment here of beauty?
It dosen't matter, now we are here to feel ordinary unique

No realese without tension we‘re forced to embrace the friction.
A rainbow needs sun and rain it can‘t show up everyday.



 
Read January 11, 2018, 07:07:08 PM #1
Laptop Philharmonic

Re: Ordinary Unique

Quote
Shall I use piece or part or is both fine?

Piece is fine Smiley

Overall there's not a lot of rhyming going on... is that intentional? Either way this is loads better than anything I could write in German  Wink



Search "Laptop Philharmonic" on Spotify, iTunes etc. or visit:
laptopphilharmonic.bandcamp.com
 
Read January 11, 2018, 08:47:42 PM #2
Vintage54

Re: Ordinary Unique


   Hello!
     Welcome to the forum. As Laptop says, piece is fine, though i prefer part, but that's just a matter of opinion. To write something without rhyme, and to get it to work is difficult, but not impossible. For me, if it rhymes, it flows along smoother. Having said that, it's hard to be critical when you're not using your native language. There is potential here, and some interesting lines, the "rainbow" one in particular. Stick with it, you can only get better.

                                 Vintage54
 
Read January 11, 2018, 09:06:12 PM #3
Rightly

Re: Ordinary Unique

Nice images there, and without getting too fancy.
interesting concept.
I hope it gets music, would be interesting to hear
 
Read January 11, 2018, 09:20:47 PM #4
Tinitus95

Re: Ordinary Unique

Thanks for your reply guys.
Is there nothing wrong? Or any phrase strange for a nativ speaker?

Here you can listen to my little acoustic demo. I removed the second Verse Cheesy So the Song is not that long anymore Wink

actually in this case  I think the song works pretty good even without  to rhyme. Kind of funny in other songs from me there is a much more rhyming going on.

the rainbow line is my favorite Wink

https://soundcloud.com/stefan-jenniches/ordinary-unique-horprobe

Hope you like it
« Last Edit: January 11, 2018, 09:27:06 PM by Tinitus95 »
 
Read January 12, 2018, 07:06:21 PM #5
Laptop Philharmonic

Re: Ordinary Unique

Is there nothing wrong? Or any phrase strange for a nativ speaker?

It's not always easy to tell, because in songwriting you might phrase things in a deliberately "strange" way for effect. I had a quick read through and made notes if there was anything I thought came across as a bit off. It was mostly fine, but I did pick up on:
 
A feeling of trust among us,
allow us to be you and me .  < I think you might mean "allowing" or "allows"

Do we find or do we create this moment here of beauty? < The word "here" kind of sticks out...
It dosen't matter, now we are here to feel ordinary unique < Do you mean "ordinarily unique"?




Search "Laptop Philharmonic" on Spotify, iTunes etc. or visit:
laptopphilharmonic.bandcamp.com
 
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