Love song

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The one

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« on: January 08, 2018, 11:04:52 AM »
Hi I'm Tom

I wanted to write a love song but wanted to start with an original and awesome introduction. Something intimate and romantic. So I had this image of a couple lying in bed and the man wakens up and looks at this woman lying beside him and thinks she is amazing. So the first line of the song was

When I wake all I want to see is you layin next to me.

Only thing is this was too short so I expanded on this theme.

First thing
In the morning
When I open my eyes
All I want to see
Is you layin next to me
You are the one for me
You are my destiny
When I wake
All I want to see
Is you layin  next to me.

Title of the song is When I Wake. If anyone out there just happens to read this I would appreciate any feedback you may have to offer.

Nicolajane87

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« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2018, 06:40:28 PM »
Hi Tom,

I like it, it’s a great start, You should complete it, would love to see the full song.

Nicola

diademgrove

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« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2018, 10:01:51 PM »
Hi Tom,

I think this would make a good chorus. You should think about adding a couple of verses, maybe the first verse shows how you met and what you felt. The second about how she felt and why you ended up together.

Like Nicola I'd like to see the full song when its finished.

Keith

dasntn

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« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2018, 10:28:39 AM »
Well worth working on!

Nice strong sentiment without being "slushy"

Would love to hear the whole song!

The one

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« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2018, 01:51:46 AM »
Hi Nicola.

Thanks for the positive response to my song .. When I Wake. Much appreciated. By the way you were the first response I received. Just so you know I completed this song some time ago. Over the next few weeks I will post the rest of the song. I personally think the words of the song are very good. It just seems to get better the more the song is developed. I hope you will be patient and wait till I post the rest of my song.

Tom

Nicolajane87

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« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2018, 03:54:38 PM »
Great, looking forward to hearing it :)

junkman

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« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2018, 11:55:16 AM »
This is great, except the line "you are my destiny" which is kind of hacky. You've got that whole plain-spoken, simple-words-without-being-cheesy thing going on which is kind of the ultimate sweet-spot for songs like this - it's a tightrope and you walked it, so nice one! Except that *one* line which strays into cliche - gotta be plenty of other rhymes for "me".

I do think this would be great as an opening too, it'd grab people.