Hiya
This is all just my opinion but here are some thoughts...
I thought the "clarity" of the recording was good but I do think you would struggle pitching this song for a number of different reasons
This one is clearly a "rock band" type song - and unless it is absolutely guaranteed hit song material then they would simply use their own songs as most rock bands (or at least one or two of them) write the songs so would not tend to look outside for an "album song"
The "sound" is very dated - can you name any CURRENT artists/bands that this type of song would suit?
Here are some examples of "modern rock" that is of the type currently being looked for by the "industry":
Notice how interesting and hooky the VOCAL melodies are compared to your track - I think if you actually used the guitar hook as a vocal melody you would be going in the right direction
Also, notice how punchy and how much ENERGY these tracks have - with the right home setup you could very easily achieve a similar vibe
The biggest thing missing from your track for this genre (IMHO) are massive "in yer face" drums with a huge sound
Your current demo would be better suited to a band looking for a record deal - but it doesn't sound like a band "rocking out" and would need much more energy in the song (especially the drums)
The intro is also waaaaay too long for a demo that you intend to pitch - I think the person screening wouldn't have listened past the first few repeats of the same phrase - so I would suggest really tightening this up in future songs (or cut this one down)
There are some really nice sections (I really like the harmony guitars) and I think for the most part the vocal was very good but I do not think this is a very current or commercial sounding track
I would strongly suggest spending some time comparing your track to the ones I referred to above (which have been used as references for a real life music publisher in a current listing of "looking for commercial rock songs that have the vibe of..."
How do your melodies compare?
How does the tempo compare?
How does your song structure compare? (verse, chorus, twiddly solos)
How does the overall vibe compare? - for me you are missing the "big drums" and "punchy" guitars - but you do have lots of great stuff going on, which would sound much better if these tracks were "produced" (see below)
How does the lyric content compare?
etc. etc.
If you would like to hear your current song with a more commercially focused production / mix I would be happy to do a quick production for you so that I can show you a few of the things that can be done with a relatively modest setup (eg replacing the existing drums with bigger sounding and more energetic drums,)
If you are interested send me a Private Message via the forum - I would need to have access to each individual track (eg export them all and upload them to something like DROPBOX)
I am currently learning a new DAW software programme and hardware controller - I need tracks to practice on so I would NOT be looking to charge anything for this
I hope this helps - I can hear bags of potential in your track but I think you need guiding a little down certain paths if you are serious about pitching songs to the industry