Hi
thought I would post on these lyrics just to say that out of what you have posted so far, this is my favourite
I like some of the images you conjure in the lyrics. I'd explore this more in your next works. In some of your other lyrics I felt you were spelling out too exactly your thoughts/story and not leaving enough up to the listener.
Of course this is subjective, but I like it when there is just enough information to allow you to imagine some vivid imagery and develop your own interpretation than when every detail is spelled out.
This is contrasted in your first two verses:
Underneath the trees
Where we used to play
lies a stone , that I buried for me and you
It's such a long time ago, now
but every now and then
it comes to my mind
the words that we shared , at the time
First verse is quite nice and conveys quite a lot of information in relatively few words. The second verse is not as good, IMO - quite a lot of words used to say fairly little. There is very little for me, as a listener to think about or interpret.
Can the sentiment be condensed into something more poetic?
As a quick example, you can pack a similar sentiment plus a little more imagery into a line such as:
Though my face is worn now
Snatches of moments somehow appear
Ok, not a great example, but my point is, for each statement, thought or snippet of story you want to include, try to analyse what you are saying and ask yourself:
- Is it succinct enough?
- Can it be more poetic?
- Does it serve the story/emotion/etc I am trying to convey?
I think there is lots of potential here