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December 14, 2017, 02:38:04 AM
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Read December 04, 2017, 04:24:59 PM #0
Krysoe

The Boat - Feedback on lyric - I need your help

Dear all, as English is not my first language I kindly ask for feedback on below text. I know it's difficult to fully understand from where im comming with this text - so here is a little background.

We know and here about this:
"Im socially isolated because I get stressed when between other people in the public space.
The Boat = My Life and the shortcut to get out of it is to pay the ferryman his coin "

----------------------------------------------
A river of silens
feed my life with pleasure and fear
while trapped in the comfort of darkness
I cant - believe whats up and down
oh my god I circles round and round
i'm here but nobody there  to see my fear
my river build of all these tears

I row my boat against a stream of panic
I count the days before I have to leave
pulling off the nice protective curtains
to meet the outside world
get hunted and and get
oh my god how to surrive and to find my way
to get through the day

Back home and safe
protected by the curtains and the walls
busy feeding all the souls that call
my boat still waiting by the lake
the ferryman with the tender hand
have to keep waiting
to the day I'm ready sailing home

If it will help you in the review the draft song is on SoundCloud:
https://soundcloud.com/klaus-rysoe/the-boat-v7-beta


The "A Silent Life - 2017" project is about a personal challenge: 1-2 new and finished songs each month of 2017.
Actual status: 21
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTv8VkF99djCv5fsGbOQvXA/videos
 
Read December 05, 2017, 12:45:52 PM #1
Ramshackles

Re: The Boat - Feedback on lyric - I need your help

Hi
I like the title and the allegory (? not sure if that means what I think it does Cheesy) of the 'Boat'.
It's a nice idea with some nice lines in it, the last verse in particular.

Some English corrections:

"Silens" = Silence

"feed my life with pleasure and fear" I think should be "feeds my life with pleasure and fear"

"oh my god I circles round and round" - missing a couple of words to make sense here... In circles I go round and round? Or just In circles round and round?



"my river build of all these tears", I think it should be "my river is built of all these tears"

"get hunted and and get" ... ??

 
Read December 05, 2017, 07:03:50 PM #2
Krysoe

Re: The Boat - Feedback on lyric - I need your help

Hi
I like the title and the allegory (? not sure if that means what I think it does Cheesy) of the 'Boat'.
It's a nice idea with some nice lines in it, the last verse in particular.

Some English corrections:

"Silens" = Silence

"feed my life with pleasure and fear" I think should be "feeds my life with pleasure and fear"

"oh my god I circles round and round" - missing a couple of words to make sense here... In circles I go round and round? Or just In circles round and round?



"my river build of all these tears", I think it should be "my river is built of all these tears"

"get hunted and and get" ... ??



Thanks a million for your quick feedback
Last Line is a mistake and should be somthing like:
"hunted and injured"


The "A Silent Life - 2017" project is about a personal challenge: 1-2 new and finished songs each month of 2017.
Actual status: 21
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTv8VkF99djCv5fsGbOQvXA/videos
 
Read December 05, 2017, 08:22:08 PM #3
S.T.C

Re: The Boat - Feedback on lyric - I need your help

A bit better for you.

A river of silence
feed my life with pleasure and fear
while i'm  trapped in the comfort of darkness
I cant - believe whats up and down
oh my god ,I circle around and around
i'm here ,but nobody's there  to see my fear
my river builds, of all these tears

I row my boat against a stream of panic
I count the days before I have to leave
pulling off the nice protective curtains
to meet the outside world
get hunted and  get
oh my god how do i survive and find my way
to get through the day

Back home and safe
protected by the curtains and the walls
busy feeding all the souls, that call
my boat is still waiting by the lake
the ferryman with the tender hand
has to keep waiting
for the day, I'm ready to sail home.
« Last Edit: December 05, 2017, 08:23:54 PM by S.T.C »

 
Read December 06, 2017, 10:11:07 AM #4
Krysoe

Re: The Boat - Feedback on lyric - I need your help

A bit better for you.

A river of silence
feed my life with pleasure and fear
while i'm  trapped in the comfort of darkness
I cant - believe whats up and down
oh my god ,I circle around and around
i'm here ,but nobody's there  to see my fear
my river builds, of all these tears

I row my boat against a stream of panic
I count the days before I have to leave
pulling off the nice protective curtains
to meet the outside world
get hunted and  get
oh my god how do i survive and find my way
to get through the day

Back home and safe
protected by the curtains and the walls
busy feeding all the souls, that call
my boat is still waiting by the lake
the ferryman with the tender hand
has to keep waiting
for the day, I'm ready to sail home.
STC Thanks a lot for your feedback I will take with me going into "the correction phase" of my project.



The "A Silent Life - 2017" project is about a personal challenge: 1-2 new and finished songs each month of 2017.
Actual status: 21
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTv8VkF99djCv5fsGbOQvXA/videos
 
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