Dead Stairs in GC

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pacho

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« on: December 17, 2017, 04:05:18 PM »
Hello everyone , I would appreciate feedback and maybe little help with instrumental part of my song which is called Dead Stairs in Gran Canaria and is talking about how i almost killed myself in that stair :D :D

So here is SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/patriciomusica/demo/s-Fnjyc

Lyrics:

It's a my little story
And it was only mine
But I wanna to share it
With you, with my guys

Let's say John
That is how I will name him
Is going down the stairs
On his little trip

Suddenly he flied,  two meters down
On wet stair  he should choose another one

He didn't hurt himself
He just hurt his ego
Cause there was plenty of people
 Looking at him

Why he didn't listen to old man
Who said that don't step on the wet stair

It's my little story
And it was only mine
but I wanna to share it
With you,  with my guys

His mobile device looked like cobweb
In three pieces,  hardware cover,  battery
Covered by scars And John couldn't deny
That his phone won't took photo of another sunset

It's a my little story
And it was only mine
But I wanna to share it
With you,  with my guys

But wait for the most sad thing
About this little trip
When he looked at his notebook
With all his songs in it

It was low down,  low down
Not on ground but in the water

Low down, slow down
And ask someone to help to gather it

Some random guy helped him
God bless to random guys
Which doing random good thinks
To random people that are falling from stairs

(Solo)

It's a little bit funny
It's a little bit sad
That John was me
Is fact that I can't deny

2tuoo

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« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2017, 06:54:07 AM »
That is hilarious!

I would recommend emphasizing the rhythm a bit more maybe with louder drums or more stops in the guitar part.

You've got a great voice but I found it a bit overdone with the voice playing at the end of the lines, this kinda reduces the power of the spoken word.
Have a great day!

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #2 on: December 18, 2017, 04:19:19 PM »
This is very cute; I would love to hear the whole thing. I think there may be a few problems with the words; I suspect English is not your first language? In spite of that, however, I have no trouble understanding the meaning when I read the lyrics.

So my two main suggestions are:

1. Maybe work on the words to make them conform with "proper" English...although, get more opinions before you spend much time on that, as I think part of the appeal of this song is the less-than-perfect English.

2. Make the recorded words more understandable. I think it's important to be able to understand the words to "get" the story, and I would not have been able to understand it without the printed lyric to follow. This would take a little practice with the enunciation, but I think you can do it.

Otherwise, I really like the way the melody bounces along and supports the story; it's delightful. I really hope you keep working on it, because I'd love to hear the finished product.

Vicki