[Krysoe]

Here is a composition that is nearing its final phase.
Background is my experience in and around the area between Portman Square and Hyde Park in London.
Constructive feedback is highly appreciated and welcome
Regards KER

Youtube:

V1:
Homeless in the street
A stage on the square
Protect your way of living
The only one you are aware
line up in a queue
And waiting for the stew
I have no clue - why talking to you
who are me
and who are you

V2
you ask for a smoke
with distance in you eyes
So hopeless bad on jokes
and to catch the fireflies
shaky hands in the dark
discover all the traps
in the night at Portman park
with no options to relax
I have no clue - why talking to you
who are me
and who are you

CH:
One day we walk
walk side by side
we will find the place of joy
we will cross the harbor bridge
forever young and pretty rich
in paradise

V3:
With a blanket around your shoulders
begging for a dime
you have nothing left you told us
Except the low cost wine
ones you had it all in your hand
but lost it to a man
I have no clue - why talking to you
who are me
and who are you

V4:
I’m late and busy
Start to walk away
but I'm touched by your story
which force me to stay
pay for the show with a smile
You look at me and say -
Hey Mister – it’s just the same every
every day
I have no clue - why talking to you
who are me
and who are you

CH:
One day we walk
walk side by side
we will find the place of joy
we will cross the harbor bridge
forever young and pretty rich
in paradise

Klaus Rysoe - 2017 (Koda copyright registrtion)

[Yodasdad]

Hi Krysoe,

I liked this track overall, I think you've created some nice imagery with your lyrics and music.

One thing that did stand out a little awkwardly for me though was the line 'who are me', I feel that this should be either who am I or who I am.

Also I think that the song is too long. I think you had achieved everything well before the 6 minute mark and the song would be improved by condensing it.

Really like the uplifting and hopeful 'one day we walk' section and also the organ instrumental.

Good effort.

Yodasdad

[Boydie]

Please read the forum rules:

http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=2564.0

I would like to draw your attention to:

You may only post one song every 14 days. No exceptions

I appreciate you are new to the forum and probably excited to share your songs but we have the 14 week rule to give everyone a fair chance of getting reviews of their songs

I can see you have been getting involved in reviewing somwill not lock this thread on this occasion but please ensure you observe the rules in the future

Thanks

Boydie

[Marrianna]

I really like this because the words are so meaningful.. but I also think that it could end earlier, maybe around 4.30 to 5 mins. It did occur to me that the key could be lifted around 2.39 and so build the song more, perhaps with some high strings. This would help to keep the listener interested in the important words. Would be a great fundraiser for the appropriate charities, especially with a video. Thankyou for sharing your song and good luck with it.

Marrianna.

[montydog]

Hi,

I'm not a fan of vocal effects - I think this would be better without them. The chorus part is pretty good but the effect is getting in the way. As others have said, it's too long. I am probably the worst culprit on here for overlong songs but you really need to think of how the song will be heard by others. I like the cold, electronic feel which is perfect for the the song's subject matter. Reminded me weirdly of The Scorpions song "Wind Of Change" although it's nothing like it.

M

[shadowfax]

depressing subject but a good song, touch too long, the guitar solo lets it down so I would remove that and put the organ solo there, which works very well with the song definitely doesn't need the sax bit..
I quite liked the vocal effects...

good work my friend

[moraamarolaloba]

Good morning from Madrid!
You have perfectly portrayed the homeless, those people who live in so many streets of the World and that many contemplate as if they were part of the landscape without thinking that Life, which is very capricious, can one day put us or take us away from there ....
As for the composition of your song I think the same as Yodasdad, but I do not want to say that I did not like it since it has some parts that moved me by the lyrics and the musical base.
I hope you do not get angry because of what I tell you. I too would like those who see my work told me the truth about my songs.
Be well. Mora

[refusedrevival]

Hi,

Overall I like the track, nice guitar part in the middle of the song. Also the keyboards are
really good.
I think this is a little bit too long ... 6 minutes is long time to listen same beat ...
The vocal sound is quite odd to my ears.

Anyway, well done!

refusedrevival