konalavadome

First ever go (please help)

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acousticdog

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« on: October 16, 2017, 03:43:47 AM »
Never even tried to write a song before but would love to learn so please help if you would


Don’t know what life has got in store
Finding it so hard to let her go
There is no way to turn back the clock
People say accept change and start moving on

Would say that I don’t need you
But deep down know that I do
They tell me that time can heal the pain
But here I am still feeling it again

Haven’t felt like me for some time now
Something is missing does not feel right
Never expected that it would be easy
But why do I feel as if I am going crazy

They say that time can heal the pain
But here I am still feeling it again

They say that time can heal the pain
But here I am still feeling it again

Would say that I don’t need you
But deep down know that I do
They tell me that time can heal the pain
But here I am still feeling it again


Boydie

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« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2017, 08:09:08 AM »
This is a great start

You will hear me say this a lot across the forum: songs are written, good songs are re-written!!

There are 2 things that I think you should consider with your lyric:

1 - that actual message/story you want to convey

I think the lyric, and therefore the song, would be more engaging if you made it really obvious what you are trying to get across - because a song needs to communicate the message and emotion in around 3 minutes as is often only heard, unlike poetry that is read and reviewed

This means (IMHO) the message needs to be a little more obvious

On a first, very quick, read I can tell the lyric is about "loss" but I want to know much more - why did she leave, why did you "let her go" (you seem to be saying both in the lyric - which is it?) - is it a "break up" or did she die?

I just want a little more of "the story" to help engage me - perhaps a new first verse at the beginning is all that is needed to set the rest of the song up - to let the listener know about the relationship, who "she" is and why/how things went wrong

2 - Rhyme Scheme and Structure

I would suggest spending a little time working on the structure of your lyric

There is a lovely 2 line refrain jumping out:

They tell me...pain
But here I am...again

This is a great little 2 line rhyme

The rhyme scheme for the rest feels a little random

E.g. The first "verse" has not rhymes, the second verse has 2 rhyming couplets (2 lines), the third verse has a half rhyme of easy/crazy etc.

I would personally use the pain/again as a refrain and put it at the end of each "verse"

I would then work on coming up with a consistent rhyme scheme and line structure (e.g. syllables in each line) for each verse so that they are all consistent


I think these 2 tweaks would be a great start to crafting your lyrics into a more "song like" structure, which will make it much easier to put to music

Hope this helps
To check out my music please visit:

http://soundcloud.com/boydiemusic

Twitter: https://twitter.com/BoydieMusic

Nicolajane87

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« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2017, 11:05:32 AM »
Hi,

Great start for a song, i think the advice Boydie has given you is perfect.

Good Luck.

acousticdog

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« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2017, 05:17:44 PM »
Thank you so much for taking time to reply and for the fantastic advice :)

Vintage54

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« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2017, 08:47:13 PM »

   Hello, and welcome. For a first post this shows great potential. I don't believe you will have any trouble writing good songs in the future. I don't know what loss you're talking about, Boydie is right, you need to be more specific. I'm guessing lost love. If so, i would have tackled it like something like this, and this is a very quick rewrite, so it's not going to be perfect.

                       Don't know what the future has in store
                       I'm finding it hard to let her go
                       Wish that i could turn back time
                       When i was hers and she was mine

                       I could say i don't feel the pain
                       But deep inside i know i do
                       They say that i can love again
                       But here i am still missing you

                       Not been myself for some time now
                       Somethings wrong i can't put right
                       Never thought it would be easy
                       I feel the loss both day and night    (etc)

      Now i'm not trying to steal your song here, just trying to point out how the flow could be a lot smoother. It's a good start, keep writing, don't let anyone discourage you, and don't force it, just let it come.
                Best wishes
                     Vintage54

acousticdog

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« Reply #5 on: October 17, 2017, 12:02:42 AM »
wow you just made that so much better :) loving this forum already

acousticdog

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« Reply #6 on: October 26, 2017, 03:37:28 AM »
Hey everyone, back with a second attempt after the advice I got,  the song is about breaking up and the pain and questions that is associated with it, I feel the rhyme scheme and structure is also better, any more advice / criticism would be great

Drifted apart

Left wondering how things will now be
Now that there is no you and me
Its impossible just to forget the past
But some things are destined not to last

Our love just faded we drifted apart
You will always own piece of my heart
there was nothing more for us to gain
and you seem happy now so why the pain

Looking back could I have done more
Its to late now we have closed that door
In the end felt we had nothing left to say
But why is it so hard to turn and walk away

Was our love real in time we will see
But for now at least I feel were free
Maybe you will forget me maybe you wont
Deep down I really hope that you don’t

Our love just faded we drifted apart
You will always own piece of my heart

Our love just faded we drifted apart
You will always own piece of my heart

Our love just faded we drifted apart
You will always own piece of my heart
there was nothing more for us to gain
and you seem happy now so why the pain

Nicolajane87

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« Reply #7 on: October 26, 2017, 01:41:50 PM »
Hi acousticdog,

Love it, the lyrics are brill, you've done really well rewriting it, keep it up.

NicolaJane87

acousticdog

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« Reply #8 on: October 26, 2017, 06:30:25 PM »
Thanks for the reply Nicola, means a lot

Rosie1991

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« Reply #9 on: October 27, 2017, 01:08:45 AM »
Great second time around and feel everyone can relate to this , so good luck with it

Paulski

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« Reply #10 on: October 27, 2017, 01:35:50 PM »
Hi accousticdog and welcome!

One thing you'll find out about this site is people like different things, so you'll get what seems like opposite advice  ;D Best approach is to take it all in, then decide what your preferences are.
I liked your original version better! I'm a big fan of near-rhymes especially in the verses. Rhyming is more important in the chorus because that is typically a repeated part (hook) that you want people to remember and rhyming acts as a memory aid for the next line. Your second version has a lot of perfect rhymes in the verses, and you've changed the chorus rhyme to a rhyming pair that has become very cliché "heart/apart". Avoiding cliché will make your lyric stand out from the crowd IMHO.
I agree with the others that more back-story will make it more interesting.

Good luck developing this!  ;D
Paul

2tuoo

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« Reply #11 on: October 29, 2017, 10:11:37 AM »
I like the way this song changes its shape and the message gets crispier each time!

I'm melody oriented so my take on the song comes from its rhythmic structure.

these are the 2nding lines to each verse/section:

Its impossible just to forget the past
But some things are destined not to last

there was nothing more for us to gain
and you seem happy now so why the pain

In the end felt we had nothing left to say
But why is it so hard to turn and walk away

Maybe you will forget me maybe you wont
Deep down I really hope that you don’t


I might be missing the syncopated melody structure you had in mind but if it does not exist yet then:

when reading this out loud with a rhythmic structure or while clapping  - I'm finding it difficult to attach to a single structure. If you feel the same, I would suggest to remove some words or replace some with shorter versions
Have a great day!

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #12 on: October 29, 2017, 08:57:30 PM »
Hi and welcome! I'm a little late to the party but thought I'd weigh in briefly.

I agree with Paulski. Because your song has what is called an unstable theme. Some elements that support unstable themes include near rhymes, irregular rhythms, and uneven numbers of lines. You do have some irregular rhythms, but you lost your near rhyme element when you changed to all perfect rhymes. I would seriously consider taking the best of both your old and new versions to see what you can put together.

I also suggest watching for too many repetitions--like your five uses of the word "now". Perhaps some could be left out or changed to something else? Also, the word "just" occurs three times, I think. Maybe something else would work instead of one or two of those, especially one of the two that are close together. Here's an example of something you could do in one spot:
Though Our love just quickly faded and we drifted fell apart
You will always own a piece of my heart

By the way, all these comments relate to your revised version, not the original.

This kind of love lost theme is popular, so I think your song has potential, and I encourage you to keep working on it. However, don't get yourself too frustrated. You say this is your first attempt, so my recommendation is to get it to a point that you think is as good as it's going to get, at least for now. Then choose a new theme or topic and start another one. The more you write, the better you will get.

I also recommend checking out posts from other members...see what you like and don't like about their songs and let them know. It isn't necessary to be an expert. Leaving some comments will help you gain some understanding about writing and you'll have the added bonus of getting on the good side of anyone you give feedback to which just might make them more likely to leave you some feedback, which will again be helpful (hopefully) to your writing.

Good luck!

Vicki

Jackdaw

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« Reply #13 on: October 29, 2017, 09:15:30 PM »
Never even tried to write a song before but would love to learn so please help if you would


Don’t know what life has got in store
Finding it so hard to let her go
There is no way to turn back the clock
People say accept change and start moving on

Would say that I don’t need you
But deep down know that I do
They tell me that time can heal the pain
But here I am still feeling it again

Haven’t felt like me for some time now
Something is missing does not feel right
Never expected that it would be easy
But why do I feel as if I am going crazy

They say that time can heal the pain
But here I am still feeling it again

They say that time can heal the pain
But here I am still feeling it again

Would say that I don’t need you
But deep down know that I do
They tell me that time can heal the pain
But here I am still feeling it again



VERSE

They say that I dont' need you
But my Heart tells me I do
They say that I won't miss you
But here alone am sad an blue.

They tell me time will heal the pain
But everyday I hurt again

Jackdaw1888 :-)
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.