[Morefrog Jones]

Been working on a some dark Lyrics for the competition -  
This is based on a true story about a girl whose family forced her to marry a cousin and go strict muslim......and about an imagined crush by a English school boy on the muslim school friend in a multi cultural 21st Century British school and him seeing her after an short absence.



Muslim girl what a change to undergo
you went away now you're covered head to toe
Must be 6 months now maybe a dozen.
Now you're married now to your cousin.

Muslim Girl why did you have go away
Muslim Girl how did you end up end up this way.

I hope they haven't hurt you
Have I Misunderstood.
Did they cut it out.
Take away your womanhood.

Muslim Girl why did you have go away
Muslim Girl how did you end up end up this way.

I remember you at school
So clever and elegant
But do they now say to you
You have a deficiency in your intelligence.

Muslim Girl why did you have go away
Muslim Girl how did you end up end up this way.

[Paulski]

Hey Morefrog

I can see a lot of merit in this especially as it is spawned from a real-life story.
I can't get past the Muslim reference though. I'm not an expert, but I assume not ALL Muslims participate in these radical beliefs and the impression I get from the song is they all do.
Maybe change the word Muslim to something else would change that impression and not paint all Muslims with the same brush?

Paul

[tone]

I agree with Paul here - I get what you're trying to say, and I don't believe in political correctness for its own sake. However, I think you need to make the song feel a little less like it's making generalisations about a hugely diverse religion made up of many different cultures.

[CaliaMoko]

I agree with Paulski and tone. As I read I kept thinking about my Muslim cousin, her family and all their Muslim friends and about the intense gender equality kick they've been on lately. It's very cool to see, and nothing at all like the message of this song.

Could you use something like "stifled girl"? Or "smothered girl"? And is she actually only a girl? Or is she an adult? I have heard of forced marriages with girls, but this sounds like it might be about a grown woman. Using "girl" to mean a grown woman is one of my pet peeves, though I know it's done all the time. Plus, I see you used "boy", as well, in your introduction, so maybe they are very young??

Verse 1 has quite a few repetitions of the word "now". Could any of those be changed somehow for a little more variation?

Deep, serious subject. Brave of you to tackle. Best wishes with your competition!

Vicki

[pompeyjazz]

I can agree with some of the comments but not others. Valid subject. Yes of course does not apply to everyone but if somebody had written a song about whatever religion my parents practiced I wouldn't be offended even though thats what I was born into. Actually reminded me of Blind Muslim Girl from a few years back.

Listen to Fergus & Geronimo - "Blind Muslim Girl" 10.21.09 by LiveatSheaStadium #np on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/liveatsheastadium/fergus-geronimo-track-02-10-21-09

[Morefrog Jones]

Cheers for the comments - but i think when seen through the concerned eyes of a young man and his genuine fear for a friends future and her dramatic transformation he has the right to express his views on a personal level.

With his experience of living in a multicultural community he will have seen and heard things that due to his lack of experience and unworldliness caused him some confusion about what might happen to the girl.

All the things mentioned in the song are genuine and significant problems that are practised by a significant percentage of some muslim communities in the UK and the 'Not all muslims' defence is a just a way of shutting down the debate and sweeping things under the carpet so things do not get discussed.

For example - According to the NSPCC - There are an estimated 137,000 women and girls affected by FGM in England and Wales and the age at which FGM is carried out varies. It may be carried out when a girl is new-born, during childhood or adolescence, just before marriage or during pregnancy.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/female-genital-mutilation-fgm/fgm-facts-statistics/

Also First cousin marriages in UK Pakistani communities are leading to 'appalling' disabilities among children and In the UK more than 50 per cent of British Pakistanis marry their first cousins

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/children/11723308/First-cousin-marriages-in-Pakistani-communities-leading-to-appalling-disabilities-among-children.html

Sadly i'm not the one to produce a song that would get listened to by a mass market and bring in some much needed discussion to the subject - i suggest if anyone did try to bring one out - it would not get very far and would surely be silenced or shouted down using the 'Not all muslims' defence.

Meanwhile this imaginary bright and clever girl in my potential song will most likely become one of the 71% of British Muslim woman who are unemployed.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/british-muslim-women-71-more-likely-to-be-unemployed-due-to-workplace-discrimination-10179033.html

......What a waste - but lets not talk about it shall we

[diademgrove]

If it's a personal song the singer should have used her name. Calling her a Muslim girl when he knows her name is disrespectful in my opinion.

I find calling a married woman a girl odd as well. She's a woman not a child. I may just be old fashioned that way.

Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.

Keith

[Morefrog Jones]

If it's a personal song the singer should have used her name. Calling her a Muslim girl when he knows her name is disrespectful in my opinion.

I find calling a married woman a girl odd as well. She's a woman not a child. I may just be old fashioned that way.

Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.

Keith

She is a child - Legal age of marriage for women in Pakistan - 16....I said in description she was a school girl.
Although it might not be a legal marriage in UK terms...Islamic law over-rides UK law in Most islamic communities where they can get away with it - so she is basically married at 16 in the eyes of her community....that makes her a Girl does it not?

[PaulAds]

I really admire you for this one, MoreFrog. I wouldn’t have the nerve to have written it.

It feels really genuine, sympathetic and heartfelt to me. As is often the case, a lot of people will probably fail to grasp your point and take the hump on behalf of someone else they don’t know. Sad, but such is modern life.

So it’s likely far too “out there” for commercial success, but the beauty for folks like us is that we can just write what we want...power to the peasants!

[diademgrove]

If it's a personal song the singer should have used her name. Calling her a Muslim girl when he knows her name is disrespectful in my opinion.

I find calling a married woman a girl odd as well. She's a woman not a child. I may just be old fashioned that way.

Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.

Keith

She is a child - Legal age of marriage for women in Pakistan - 16....I said in description she was a school girl.
Although it would not be a legal marriage in UK terms...Islamic law over-rides UK law in Most islamic communities where they can get away with it - so she is basically married at 16 in the eyes of her community....that makes her a Girl does it not?

16 is the legal age in the UK of marriage with your parents consent. I presume consent was given as its an arranged marriage. In Scotland 16 is the legal age with or without your parents' consent.

I'd have been insulted if somebody called me a boy when I was 16 or 17. A couple I knew at school were married with a child at that age. They lived in rented accommodation and he was working. Last I heard they were still together and had had grandchildren. They definitely weren't children.

We may just come from different generations.

[Morefrog Jones]

If it's a personal song the singer should have used her name. Calling her a Muslim girl when he knows her name is disrespectful in my opinion.

I find calling a married woman a girl odd as well. She's a woman not a child. I may just be old fashioned that way.

Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.

Keith

She is a child - Legal age of marriage for women in Pakistan - 16....I said in description she was a school girl.
Although it would not be a legal marriage in UK terms...Islamic law over-rides UK law in Most islamic communities where they can get away with it - so she is basically married at 16 in the eyes of her community....that makes her a Girl does it not?

16 is the legal age in the UK of marriage with your parents consent. I presume consent was given as its an arranged marriage. In Scotland 16 is the legal age with or without your parents' consent.

I'd have been insulted if somebody called me a boy when I was 16 or 17. A couple I knew at school were married with a child at that age. They lived in rented accommodation and he was working. Last I heard they were still together and had had grandchildren. They definitely weren't children.

We may just come from different generations.

List of great songs with girl in the title - What a bunch of muppets for not using their real names
https://www.ranker.com/list/the-best-songs-with-girl-in-the-title/ranker-music

My interpretation of arranged marriages - Come with an 'or else' at the end... and I did say it was a forced one in description.

Here are some more facts to throw at you - "As many as 10,000 forced marriages take place in the UK every year, according to the Crown Prosecution Service." even if that disputed figure if off its 9,999 too many.

Anyway i wont be going ahead with the song - way too much hassle.

[diademgrove]

List of great songs with girl in the title - What a bunch of muppets for not using their real names
https://www.ranker.com/list/the-best-songs-with-girl-in-the-title/ranker-music

My interpretation of arranged marriages - Come with an 'or else' at the end...What a sheltered life you must lead and I did say it was a forced one in description.

If you want more actual facts - "As many as 10,000 forced marriages take place in the UK every year, according to the Crown Prosecution Service." even if that disputed figure if off its 9,999 too many.

[/quote]

If I was in love with someone who had been forced to do something against her will because of her parents' religion, I wouldn't address her as Muslim girl, especially if I knew her name.

[Neil C]

Hi,
My two pennies worth are it's brave and honest subject worth a song. Personally I'd leave the title and the first line as it is but I would suggest first name in the chorus.

The other point is around FGM in the Pakistani community. The headline areas are in Africa and Middle East although wiki states it happens in some Pakistani communities. By using a name it makes it more personal and for me makes more sense re verse 2.
Good luck
Neil